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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!
This week STCKYF features the Bull Shark.
That's right, cats and kittens, it's Shark Week on Shit That Can Kill You Fridays. "But Charles! Discovery Channel Shark Week isn't 'til July. What are you doing?" Back off, Kenny! I can have Shark Week whenever I want to! Discovery Channel is a bunch of science garbage for nerds! Get out of here Kenny! You stupid jerk... oh geez, (breath Charles, just breath) I didn't mean to explode on you like that, Kenny. I just get really into this sometimes... let's move on.
Bull Sharks don't care about Mondays, and they definitely don't care about you. Growing to 2.5 meters in length (or 8 ft in English), they may not be the biggest fish in the sea, but they make up for it with sheer aggression. Some say its from a Napoleon complex, others say its from their testosterone levels which are seven times higher than an adult male human (it's probably from that second thing). With that much juice pumping through their veins, Bull Sharks are deadlier than popcorn lung. They are lone-wolf hunters and opportunistic, meaning they will seize whatever feeding opportunity comes their way. It is a strong survival instinct for the shark, but can spell disaster for unsuspecting prey.
Don't worry, Kenny. If you stay out of the ocean you'll never run into them, right? WRONG! Bull Sharks are diadromous, which is science for being able to swim in salt and fresh water. In fact, bull sharks have been caught 2,500 miles up the Amazon River, 1,750 miles inland on the Mississippi River, and close to Washington, D.C. on the Potomac River.
Bull Sharks rank in the top three deadliest sharks to humans, among tiger sharks and great white sharks. They are extremely territorial and pretty much intolerant to provocation. Bull Sharks prefer murky water, which is bad news for humans. You won't be able to see them, and they won't be able to see you as easily. This leads to exploratory bites, which leads to flesh wounds, which leads to hospitalization, which leads to loss of limbs, which leads to depression, which leads to alcoholism, which leads to becoming that old fisherman from the movie Jaws.
Fun Fact Alert:
Peter Benchley's novel, Jaws (made famous by the movie, Jaws), was based on shark attacks most likely caused by Bull Sharks.
BONUS FUN FACT ALERT:
For all you meat heads and gym sharks out there, you can buy a steroid made from the testicles of a Chilean bull shark. It has become so popular, it is available in the game Grand Theft Auto. What is this steroid called? Bull Shark Testosterone. Because where does subtlety get you these days?
Stay safe out there.
*Photo creds to Andy Casagrande (probably)
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Charles R Mercer
Amateur Shark Biologist
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Charles R Mercer
Amateur Shark Biologist
