Cassowary

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week we take to the skies to learn about a flightless bird, the Cassowary.

Cassowaries are native to New Guinea and (of course) Australia. Long time readers of STCKYF know that this is yet another reason to NEVER go to Australia. Everything there is deadly... I bet the air is even toxic. Anyway, Cassowaries grow to be 5-6 ft tall and weighing in at 130 pounds. These guys are BIG.

Because they can't fly, evolution has done so scary stuff to the Cassowary's wings. The bones on what would be the 2nd finger have evolved to be more like a claw. A CLAW. ON A BIRD'S WING. But it doesn't need this claw to inflict damage. The Cassowary has powerful legs, each with three sharp toes that have dagger like claws. Like most flightless birds, kicking is the Cassowary's main form of defense, so a kick will bring the victim in contact with those dagger like claws, cutting them to shreds.

"But wait, Charles, it's just a bird, I can escape and evade can't I?" Ha! You Fool! The Cassowary can run as fast as 31 mph, it can jump 5 ft in the air, and it is an excellent swimmer. There is no escape. Like Liam Neeson, it will find you, and it will kill you.

Let's get into their relationship with humans. A 2003 study revealed 150 attacks on humans. 75% of these attacks involved the Cassowary expecting food from the person. When they didn't get food, they went ballistic. Cassowary's must get super hangry, which I can relate to. I also get pretty hangry, but I don't kill people because of it... so maybe its not the best comparison.

The best story I found of a Cassowary attack occurred in 2012 when a tourist was Sparta Kicked off a ledge into a body of water. The tourist was ok, despite the bird making him its little bitch. Whoever they were, they were lucky to not get cut open by the bird's razor sharp claws. Come to think of it, Napoleon Dynamite should've been less concerned about whether or not chickens have large talons and more concerned about a hangry Cassowary murdering him for his tater tots.

Stay safe out there.

-- Charles R Mercer

Amateur Zoologist