Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday’s!
This week STCKYF features (keep reading to find out!).
Merry Christmas Stanley! I hope you are as filled with the Christmas
spirit as I am. Together we can have a merry, bright, and safe holiday. Because
of course, as I’ve so painstakingly told you, everything, everything,
everything, and, of course, everything can kill you. But don’t let that be a downer.
Light the yule log (though be sure to have a fire extinguisher ready), wrap all
the presents (but don’t run with scissors), and don’t forget to put out cold
beer and pickled eggs for Santa Claus. You’ll notice that The Christmas STCKYF
Spectacular is a little bit different than our usual form, let’s just have fun
with it.
A
long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away (ok, maybe not a galaxy, but
like a few thousand miles) there lived a great man. Now, how you define great
could be debated, but he was a man who wielded a great deal of power. You see,
he was not just a man, but a king. As king, it was important for him to
solidify his rule, or else he would face the wrath of either his subjects, or
the far worse wrath of his overlords. No, he was not the highest rung on the
political ladder. Far from it, actually. He was an important tool for his
masters to maintain relative peace in the region. The king feared his overlords
far greater than he feared his subjects, as any reasonable person would. After
all, his overlords had a tendency to make rather strong examples out of anyone
who dared to defy them. So, the king went about ensuring his own reign through
the use of secret police to squash protests before they begin, and to monitor
the general public opinion. The king was probably best known for his taxes,
which he used to raise money for the construction of public buildings. These
projects tended to increase the public tension rather than alleviate it; even
leading to revolt.
It was a
tense time for the king. You see, with friction growing between the two
factions under his rule, the last thing the king needed was a political
challenger. That’s exactly what he got. Well, not exactly. Rather than having a
man stand up asking for “liberty or death”, the king’s challenger first came to
his attention as a rumor. In those days, the king’s overlords issued a decree
that a census should be taken, and everyone was to go to their own town to
register. It was during this census that the king learned about his challenger.
The king knew that if the challenger was successful, it would mean certain
death for himself, and even if the challenger failed, the king’s overlords
might decide he’s not suited for his position (a.k.a. death). So, the king sent
out men of high rank to find the challenger and report back to him. After the
men of high rank found and met the challenger, they decided to conceal the
challenger’s whereabouts from the king. Outraged by the deception by the men of
high rank, the king ordered the death of everyone who fit the description of
his challenger. By order of the king, hundreds were killed, but not the
challenger. No, the challenger was taken into hiding out of the country until
it was safe to return.
The
challenger was not the typical type of person to challenge the king’s rule. He
was not a victorious military general or a well-known politician. The king’s
challenger did not march a large army against him, but nonetheless, he
challenged the king’s status quo. The challenger did not seek to take the
king’s throne; his challenge to the king was in title only. A title which was
bestowed upon him, even before he was born, before the census was declared by
the king’s overlords, before he was wrapped in swaddling cloth and laid in a
manger. The king’s challenger was an 8 lbs. 6 oz. baby, named Jesus, the Son of
the Most-High, Possessor of the Throne of David, King of the Jews. And so, the
king, or more accurately, King Herod, ordered the death of everyone who fit the
description of the baby Jesus, that is, every child in Bethlehem two years old
and younger. He sought to prevent a challenger to his throne, as foretold by
the prophets, to be his downfall. But the child he targeted, the challenger to
his rule, was safe in Egypt.
As we
celebrate Christmas and the birth of the baby Jesus, be sure to be aware of the
typical holiday dangers. On average 160 Christmas tree fires happen every year.
34% of emergency room visits were the result of falling while hanging lights
(which, like Jeffery Epstein, don’t hang themselves). The Consumer Product
Safety Commission estimates that in 2012, there were 15,000 injuries resulting
from holiday decorating. Not to mention the countess injuries resulting from
Krampus, the Christmas demon, who punishes children who misbehave. But above
all these holiday hazards, let’s not forget the original Christmas peril, being
killed as an infant by a grown man who was threatened by a baby. A baby who was
still hadn’t watched all of his Baby Einstein videos to learn shapes and
colors.
Merry
Christmas, Stanley, and Stay safe out there.
-Charles R Mercer
Amateur Theologian
