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Welcome to the next SPECIAL EDITION of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!
This special edition is dedicated to Groundhog Day.
This special edition is dedicated to Groundhog Day.
Reader, if I asked you what day is the most magical day of the year, what would you say? Christmas? The Summer Solstice? April 25th, because its not too hot, not too cold, all you need is a light jacket? Wrong. Just wrong. The most magical day of the year is Groundhog Day. Why? Well for starters, its a day with enough magical power to trap Bill Murray in a time loop for the majority of a 100 minute movie. More importantly, it is a day where a humble relative of the squirrel determines the weather. On the iconic internet pages of STCKYF, I have written about things large and small that pose a threat to the world. Everything from the Assassin Bug to the Grizzly Bear. But even the most venomous creatures on Earth, like the Cone Snail, can't hold a candle to the meteorological marmots, the Groundhog (mostly because they don't have hands).
Think about it. When the Groundhog Day tradition began, I mean, when humans first discovered that groundhogs had magical powers, an addition six more weeks of winter could be devastating. What if your village was running low on food? What if a longer winter meant the packs of woolly mammoths would remain in the area longer, guaranteeing that you had to remain in caves to avoid the saber-toothed tigers that stalked the mammoths? (Note to reader: I'm not sure how long ago Groundhog Day began, so that second scenario isn't impossible). The relief from a harsh winter brought by an early spring would be a blessing. In modern times, Groundhog Day is less significant because it is no longer a potentially life or death situation an more determinative of where fraternities and sororities go on spring break. But that doesn't mean that the groundhogs charged with controlling the weather take it any less seriously. After all, walking out of your burrow and maybe seeing your shadow is hard work that not just any large rodent could do. So who are the groundhogs we look to for information that Science claims it can predict with far greater accuracy and detail?
Punxsutawney Phil: Though he lives in Punxsutawney, PA, Ol' Phil has become an iconic figure for the entire country. Tens of Thousands of people attend his prediction ceremony each year. This year, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, bringing six more months of winter and darkness to the land.
Milltown Mel: Hailing from Milltown, NJ, Milltown Mel is a young groundhog who has only been predicting the weather since 2016 after the passing of the original Milltown Mel. Despite being new to the game, Mel is not afraid to disagree with Groundhog heavyweight Punxsutawney Phil. This year Milltown Mel did not see his shadow, ushering in an early spring.
Jimmy the Groundhog: Living in Sun Prairie, Wisconsin, the alleged "Groundhog Capital of the World", Jimmy is known for going viral in 2015 by biting the Mayor's ear. The next day the Mayor issued a proclamation absolving Jimmy. Assaulting a government official and then THEY apologize to YOU? That's power you can't buy. This morning, Jimmy the Groundhog did not see his shadow, guaranteeing an early spring.
Buckeye Chuck: Buckeye Chuck is the official groundhog of Ohio, and just like THE Ohio State University, no one outside the state cares. This year Buckeye Chuck did not see his shadow, predicting an early spring, and of course, no one outside the state of Ohio cares.
Staten Island Chuck: Staten Island Chuck is the official weather-forecasting groundhog for New York City. Chuck makes bold predictions and if you disagree he'll ask if you want to fight about it. Claiming an 82% accuracy rate makes Chuck a heavyweight in the mammal based weather prediction world. This year Chuck did not see his shadow, predicting an early spring.
Dunkirk Dave: Residing in Dunkirk, NY, Dunkirk Dave is the second longest weather predicting groundhog. Dave's lengthy tenure in meteorology reminds me of an old adage, you either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain. I'm not sure if that applies to groundhogs, but you can never be too careful. I have my eye on you Dunkirk Dave. This morning, Dunkirk Dave did not see his shadow, bringing an early spring to his realm.
Potomac Phil: Living in Washington, D.C. Potomac Phil is the definition of the #Swamp. Not only does Potomac Phil predict the weather, but the political climate as well. In the past he has predicted "six more weeks of political gridlock" in 2018 and "two more years of political insanity" in 2019. Clearly, Potomac Phil has an agenda. This year, Potomac Phil signed an executive order for an early spring, and also predicted six more months of political gridlock.
General Beauregard Lee: Residing in Butts County, Georgia, General Beauregard Lee is the only groundhog in the United States with military rank. Sources close to General Beauregard Lee refused to comment on whether or not his rank is purely honorary. This year, General Beauregard Lee foresaw a secession from winter and the coming of an early spring.
Did you notice a trend? Every groundhog predicted an early spring, except for one. The O.G. (original groundhog) Punxsutawney Phil is the only one who saw his shadow. Only time will tell who was correct, and who actually remembers to fact-check a groundhog. Accuracy statistics for these prognosticating groundhogs vary because there is not a common standard to determine what an early spring or longer winter are. I for one welcome our weather controlling overlords.
Stay Safe Out There.
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Charles R Mercer
Amateur Meteorologist
