Hooded Pitohui

Is getting ready the best part of your day? It can be. Check out my friends at Fulton and Roark who make high quality grooming products for men. Try their triple milled soap, caffeinated body wash or even some wax based cologne. Stop being trash. Start being a winner. Use promo code STCKYF for 15% off your order of $60 or more!

Welcome to the 30th installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!

This week's STCKYF features the Hooded Pitohui.

Don't know how to pronounce that? Me neither, but let's just do our best! The Hooded Pitohui is a bird native to New Guinea (hence the funky name). It is roughly 9 inches tall and weighs in at 2.3-2.7 oz. That sounds impossibly small to me, but I read it online, so you know it's true.  Plus it's a bird, and birds fly. And fat birds don't go as high. 

"But Charles, this is a punk little bird. I'm not scared of it. It's so small and bird like, it's almost cute enough to eat." Dwight, you fool! Of all the birds you could potentially eat, this is by far the worst. You see, the skin of the Hooded Pitohui contains powerful neurotoxic alkaloids called batrachotoxin. "Hold on there Charles, where have I heard the term batrachotoxin before?" I'm glad you asked, Dwight. If you look back in your notes (you have been taking notes, right?) you will see that batrachotoxin is the same poison used by Golden Poison Dart Frogs. Except the only problem is, for the toxin to be effective, the Hooded Pitohui has to be eaten... so probably not the best defense (cause you know, if you've been eaten chances are you're dead). 

These birds are creepy looking. Their plumage is predominantly orange and black, which is perfect for their annual Halloween party. And if orange, the universal color of caution, was not enough to make you want to avoid interacting with these things... their eyes are red. Like a sinister red. Remember how the Golden Poison Dart Frog was the devil? Well, these birds might be Satan with those disturbing eyes. My theory is that the poison found both in the frog and Hooded Pitohui is what makes them evil. It's like The Ring from Lord of the Rings, or bad hair and the "band" One Direction.

*COOL FACT ALERT*

The Hooded Pitohui gains its toxic ability from the beetles it eats. Beetles from the genus, choresine, to be more specific. This is according to The California Academy of Sciences, so it's probably not reliable at all. I believe they gain their power from ritual scarifies to Tiamat, the Mesopotamian dragon of chaos. For the sake of argument, let's believe these California scientists. If these birds gain their toxic ability from their diet, and if we remember that the golden poison dart frog does the same, then we only come to one conclusion... START EATING BEETLES. Eat enough of them and you just might become toxic yourself. Who wouldn't want that? It would be a real surprise for the next thing that tries to eat you. Don't know what that might be? Damn it, Dwight! Hit the subscribe button if you haven't already and I can try to remedy that. 

Stay safe out there.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Ornithologist

Golden Poison Dart Frog

Like the majority of my readers, I bet you love booze. Whether or not you're a cork dork, winc.com has your back. Their short and simple questionnaire (ex: "how do you take your coffee?") will help them pick out the perfect wine to fit your palate. And the best part? They ship the wine right to your door! Use promo code STCKYF for 20% off your first order.

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!

This week's STCKYF features the Golden Poison Dart Frog.

The Golden Poison Dart Frog is small but mighty, like a terrier, or Gary Coleman. However, unlike a terrier and Gary Coleman, the golden poison dart frog is, as the name gives away, poisonous. Like hella poisonous. They are native to the Colombian rain forest and the coast of Columbia. Like all poison dart frogs, they are very brightly colored. When you are as deadly as these frogs, you don't need to hide. 

Andrew, I have some incredible news for you. Through my research of the Golden Poison Dart Frog, I have stumbled across some amazing numbers. For starters, 1 mg of this frog's poison is enough to kill 10,000 mice. Now I know what you're thinking, that's A TON of mice. That same single milligram can kill 15 humans or 2 African bull elephants. Or if you play with those numbers a little:

10,000 mice = 15 humans

666.7  mice = 1 human

15 humans = 2 African bull elephants

7 humans = 1 African bull elephant

5,000 mice = 1 African bull elephant

You're not going to get science like that out of some nerd text book. Information like that can only be found on these electronic pages. Hey Andrew, did you notice the mice to human conversion? Truncate the decimal and you get 666 mice. 666. The Devil's number. These frogs are the devil. SCIENCE!

So, what is this devil poison? Well, it's batrachotoxin, of course! It is stored in the frog's skin, and uses direct contact as the means of transfer. But, the skin doesn't just have to come into contact with predators or prey to kill. If the skin comes into contact with, oh I don't know, let's say a leaf. There is the potential that the poison will be transferred onto the surface of the leaf. The poison will not readily deteriorate, and now the leaf can kill. So that's good. The poison blocks sodium channels in nerves from transmitting signals, which leaves the muscles in an uncontrollable state of contraction (translation: your muscles won't work no good). A very important muscle, your heart, needs to be able to do its blood pumping thing. If it can't, that's bad news bears. 

For the first time ever in the history of STCKYF, I am going to break rule number 3 of our founding charter, and encourage you to own a Golden Poison Dart Frog as a pet. Now before you berate me with hate mail or call up our hotline (1-800-1STCKYF btw) with death threats, just listen. The frog is only poisonous because of its diet, which is high in alkaloids. Golden Poison Dart Frogs in captivity don't consume alkaloids, and therefore stop producing, and eventually lose their ability to produce batrachotoxin, which renders them harmless. Just don't tell you friends, enemies or even your kids that last part. If they think you have a murderous amphibian on your nightstand, they might start taking you a little more seriously.

*COOL FACT ALERT*

The Choco Embera people of Columbia's rain forest use the poison from the Golden Poison Dart Frog to hunt. They carefully expose the frogs to heat by fire, which causes the frogs to secrete a small amount of poison. Arrow and dart tips soaked in the poison are potent for two years. TWO YEARS.

Stay safe out there.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Herpetologist

St. Patrick's Day

Are you severely dehydrated from yet another killer workout? Are you actually just super hungover and have just been telling your friends it's from the gym? Then you need SOS Rehydration, a recovery drink filled with so many electrolytes and other science things it'll make you stop talking about CrossFit for once. Use STCKYF for 20% off your order of $50 or more!

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!

This week STCKYF features St. Patrick's Day.

"Come on Charles, don't do this man. We love St. Patrick's Day! Don't say mean things about it!" Relax, O'Malley. I'm not going to say mean things about this wonderful holiday. Dissing St. Patrick's Day is unAmerican, and as you all know, I'm a patriot. What I am going to do is bring back a segment that was a real crowd pleaser on Black Friday, The STCKYF Survival Guide. This is where I, your fearless leader, provide tips on how to survive St. Patrick's Day. So without further ado, here are my top 10 St. Patrick's Day Survival Tips:

***Disclaimer: these are not the only rules you should follow. Federal Law, State Law, as well as the Laws of Physics still apply.***

1. Drink sugary drinks. Not only are they delicious (admit it, you love them), but the sugar rush will keep you from falling asleep at the bar like certain people we know. (I'm not going to name names, but it rhymes with Ponothan Jorter).

2. Wear green. No one likes that asshole who says shit like "hey, my underwear is green","I have green eyes", or "I identify as green". Those people get hit (and of course, pinched).

3. Don't talk about your Individual Retirement Account. People will hear you mention your IRA and they might call the cops. Sad! 

4. Hydrate, Antoine, hydrate! More importantly, hydrate with light beer. There is an 87% change you will become ill if you switch from alcohol to water. Do yourself a favor and drink light beer to hydrate. It's basically water, anyway.

5. Don't eat. If there is food in your stomach, there is less room for beer. That's just math. Besides, beer is made from grain and so is bread... so it's basically the same thing. That's just science.

6. Assert your dominance. Walk up to the biggest guy in the bar, cheers him, then down your beer in front of him. He'll respect you for it, and will have your back later during the inevitable bar fight.

7. After the bar fight it is definitely time to find a new bar. What's that? The cops have already grabbed you? Good thing you came prepared. Have your ABC's memorized forwards and backwards and have a fake name at the ready. Maybe even use the name of one of your enemies (I'm looking at you, Neil DeGrasse Tyson). 

8. Don't be afraid to sing along. Don't know the words? No problem! Most Irish drinking songs are just drunken gibberish anyway, so you actually do know the words. Remember, the louder the better.

9. No one cares that you're 3/16ths Irish and St. Patrick's Day is extra meaningful for you and your family. Don't be the Elizabeth Warren of the Irish. You have no significant amount of Irish blood in your veins and that's okay. Just enjoy yourself, and drink green Bud Light with that midget who tastefully dresses up like a leprechaun every year.

10. Buy a plane ticket. After a day of non-stop, aggressive boozing, there is always a chance that you may have blacked out. Perfect. This is the ideal time to grab an Uber to the nearest airport and buy a plane ticket to Dublin. Nothing says Happy St. Patrick's Day better than waking from your drunken stupor on the ground outside of St. James's Gate.

If you follow these tips, you just might make it through will have one helluva St. Patrick's Day...though the Sunday Scaries on a hungover international flight home might kill you.

Stay safe out there, and happy St. Patrick's Day, O'Malley.

--

Charles R Mercer

Professional Drunk

Coral Reef Snake

Do you reminisce about the old days? You know, back in the days of the glorious Gold Standard. Then check out my friends at Birch Gold Group. Diversify your portfolio from just stock and bonds and invest in hard assets, like fabulous gold. If you use promo code STCKYF, Birch Gold will match your initial investment up to $100.

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!

This week STCKYF features the Coral Reef Snake.

"A snake from a coral reef? Like, in the ocean?" Yes, Jack, from in the ocean. It looks just like a terrestrial snakes except that the tail is flat to facilitate swimming. Picture a snake in your head, go on, close your eyes and picture it (but don't keep them closed for too long because you will eventually want to keep reading). Remember how snakes are always sticking their tongues out to "taste the air"? Well, Coral Reef Snakes don't do that. You see, sensory perception can't be done the same way under water as on land. Smell, sight and sound are distorted under water, and therefore less reliable. The Coral Reef Snake relies on marginal sight, photo-receptors, and vibrations to locate prey and avoid predators. 

Science theorizes that the Coral Reef Snake also has the ability to sense electro-magnetic energy and pressure. This is only a theory to science but I am willing to confirm it, right here, right now. STCKYF has declared it. Remember this moment the next time your reading Science Weekly, or Obscure Animals Quarterly.

Lookout cone snails, the coral reef snake may be gunning for your title as the assassin of the sea. Bites from sea snakes often go unnoticed because they are painless, do not swell and they do not affect the lymph nodes. So then how do you know if you've been bitten? What are the symptoms? This is where I usually tell you that after you're bitten you will be nauseated, dizzy, maybe an elevated heart rate. Well not so fast, Jack! None of those things will happen here. The first symptoms after being bitten by a coral reef snake are rhabdomyolysis, trismus, and paralysis. These snakes definitely aren't throwing any softballs. We all know what paralysis is (hopefully), but what are those other two science words? Well, to sort that out we've asked our resident medical expert, Dr. Doogie Howser, to weigh in (and by "asked to weigh in" I mean he was already in our office lobby, begging my receptionist to let him be in this weeks edition).

Dr. Howser informed me that rhabomyolsis is the rapid break down of skeletal muscle tissue. As you may have guessed, when your muscles break down you become weak and struggle with tasks that were previously simple. As the muscles breakdown all that tissue formerly known as muscle has to go somewhere, right? Pop Quiz! What organ filters harmful things out of your blood? The Kidneys! (Sorry, Jack. Try to be a little faster on the buzzer next time). Unfortunately for you, proteins like myoglobin are harmful to the kidneys, leading to kidney failure. Not an ideal situation. Trismus, the less exciting of the pair, is just fancy doctor speak for lockjaw. A fun addition to your post coral reef snake bit experience. These paired with paralysis can be a deadly combination. Remember, any of your muscles can be paralyzed. Including really important ones like the muscles used for swallowing and breathing. Bet you didn't think of that, did you? Coral Reef Snakes are not messing around when it comes to their venom.

Remember, these guys are around when you go scuba diving. They're not very aggressive, but don't tempt 'em. 

Stay safe out there.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Oceanographer

Vending Machines

Why are not maximizing your chill? You're an active person. You gym. You beach. You party. You Relax. Why don't you robe? If it's good enough for The Dude, it's good enough for you. Check out my friends at landsend.com to find a robe that's perfect for you! Use promo code STCKYF to get a second robe absolutely FREE (plus shipping and handling)!

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!

This week STCKYF features Vending Machines.

Yes, you read that correctly: vending machines. From 1978 to 1995, 37 people died and 113 people were injured while trying to get a snack from a vending machine. That's a little more than 2 deaths per year. For those of you keeping score at home, that makes death by vending machine more likely than a shark attack. You hear that Discovery Channel executives?! Enough already with Shark Week! The people deserve Vending Machine Week! (or at least vending machine power hour brought to you by Famous Amos cookies).

We've all done it, haven't we? We hit, kick, and shake that dumb box full of salty snacks that stole your dollar for the second time this week. I JUST WANTED SOME DORITOS! WHY DOES THIS MACHINE HATE ME?! (*begins to sob*) I'M SO DAMN HUNGRY! (*crumbles to the floor*) THIS IS WHY I CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS! (*curls into a ball on the floor and cries uncontrollably as coworkers look on and Tracy from sales puts a video of you on her snap story*). Well, all that man on machine violence leads to one thing, a large box full of salty snacks face down on the ground with you between it and the floor.

Remember last night when you planned to get up a little earlier so you could have a real breakfast instead of a power bar? Maybe if you weren't addicted to the snooze button and didn't keep hitting it like those lab mice with an orgasm button, you could've gotten up 10 minutes earlier to make some eggs so you wouldn't be starving by 9:45. You're having a hard time getting up this morning because you had a beer (or five) too many at the bar last night. To top it all off, since you spent all of your cash at the bar, you have to walk out to your car two hours into the work day in the 35 degree weather just to get 75 cents out of that compartment you designated for loose change. Now you're cold and hangry. The triple threat. You hurriedly shuffle to the vending area in the break room where you attempt to feed the coins into the slot, but end up dropping one of them because your hand is shaking from the 4 cups of coffee you drank on an empty stomach. Finally, with all three quarters in the machine you make your selection. You see the coiled metal begin to spin as the anticipation for the Snickers bar you purchased begins to build, and then... nothing. The candy bar doesn't fall. It sits there in G6 mocking you. Your first instinct is to hit the glass with the palm of your hand but that does nothing. It never does. You give the base of the machine a swift kick or two, but still, nada. Well it is only on the second row from the bottom... maybe I can reach it if I can get my arm in, you think to yourself. You position yourself on the floor and begin to reach inside, carefully moving your arm around the door and reach up. The Snickers sits just an inch or two out of your reach. Come on. You can do it. REACH! Damn! You realize you can't make it without dislocating your elbow, which considering how hungry you are, might not be a bad option.

Time for plan B (no not that plan B, like a second plan kind of plan B). You stand up, grab the machine with both hands and put your whole body weight into it rhythmically to get it rocking back and forth. VICTORY! The candy bar falls, but so does a bag of chips and a packet of peanuts. You decide to keep rocking, time to take everything you can from this malicious machine that tried to play you like a fool. After all, it had the audacity to try to steal your dollar... Does this machine even know who you are? You keep rocking it, back and forth, more and more aggressively when Jen from accounting walks in and catches you off guard. Startled, you accidentally lose grip on the machine and gravity takes over. Down goes Frasier. The vending machine and floor have created a you sandwich. You realize in your final moments that instead of playing the machine like a fool, you actually played yourself (don't ever play yourself). Jen will have a helluva time explaining this to HR.

Listen Mikey, it was just a dollar. Let it go. That Nutter Butter isn't worth being flattened like a pancake.

Stay safe out there.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Reporter