St. Patrick's Day

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!

This week STCKYF features St. Patrick's Day.

"Come on Charles, don't do this man. We love St. Patrick's Day! Don't say mean things about it!" Relax, O'Malley. I'm not going to say mean things about this wonderful holiday. Dissing St. Patrick's Day is unAmerican, and as you all know, I'm a patriot. What I am going to do is bring back a segment that was a real crowd pleaser on Black Friday, The STCKYF Survival Guide. This is where I, your fearless leader, provide tips on how to survive St. Patrick's Day. So without further ado, here are my top 10 St. Patrick's Day Survival Tips:

***Disclaimer: these are not the only rules you should follow. Federal Law, State Law, as well as the Laws of Physics still apply.***

1. Drink sugary drinks. Not only are they delicious (admit it, you love them), but the sugar rush will keep you from falling asleep at the bar like certain people we know. (I'm not going to name names, but it rhymes with Ponothan Jorter).

2. Wear green. No one likes that asshole who says shit like "hey, my underwear is green","I have green eyes", or "I identify as green". Those people get hit (and of course, pinched).

3. Don't talk about your Individual Retirement Account. People will hear you mention your IRA and they might call the cops. Sad! 

4. Hydrate, Antoine, hydrate! More importantly, hydrate with light beer. There is an 87% change you will become ill if you switch from alcohol to water. Do yourself a favor and drink light beer to hydrate. It's basically water, anyway.

5. Don't eat. If there is food in your stomach, there is less room for beer. That's just math. Besides, beer is made from grain and so is bread... so it's basically the same thing. That's just science.

6. Assert your dominance. Walk up to the biggest guy in the bar, cheers him, then down your beer in front of him. He'll respect you for it, and will have your back later during the inevitable bar fight.

7. After the bar fight it is definitely time to find a new bar. What's that? The cops have already grabbed you? Good thing you came prepared. Have your ABC's memorized forwards and backwards and have a fake name at the ready. Maybe even use the name of one of your enemies (I'm looking at you, Neil DeGrasse Tyson). 

8. Don't be afraid to sing along. Don't know the words? No problem! Most Irish drinking songs are just drunken gibberish anyway, so you actually do know the words. Remember, the louder the better.

9. No one cares that you're 3/16ths Irish and St. Patrick's Day is extra meaningful for you and your family. Don't be the Elizabeth Warren of the Irish. You have no significant amount of Irish blood in your veins and that's okay. Just enjoy yourself, and drink green Bud Light with that midget who tastefully dresses up like a leprechaun every year.

10. Buy a plane ticket. After a day of non-stop, aggressive boozing, there is always a chance that you may have blacked out. Perfect. This is the ideal time to grab an Uber to the nearest airport and buy a plane ticket to Dublin. Nothing says Happy St. Patrick's Day better than waking from your drunken stupor on the ground outside of St. James's Gate.

If you follow these tips, you just might make it through will have one helluva St. Patrick's Day...though the Sunday Scaries on a hungover international flight home might kill you.

Stay safe out there, and happy St. Patrick's Day, O'Malley.

--

Charles R Mercer

Professional Drunk