Groundhog Day 2022

Do you brush your teeth? If not, you should! Keeping your teeth clean and white could not be easier thanks to my friends at Quip. Quip is subscription toothbrush service that helps you always keep your smile looking its best. Use promo code "STCKYF" for 30% off your first order!

Welcome to the next SPECIAL EDITION of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!
This special edition is dedicated to Groundhog Day.

Following STCKYF's Groundhog Day breakdown last year, the STCKYF office was inundated with calls, emails, carrier pigeon messages, and the occasion smoke signal from readers who truly appreciated my unparalleled Groundhog Day insight. [note: the "occasional smoke signal" may have just been Andrew in accounts receivable who like to try and sneak a "lunch cig" at his desk.]

This year I decided to once again take up space on the interweb to dive into the fantastically American phenomenon that is rodent meteorology. This year you can expect more unquestionably accurate weather reporting, lots of ground, lots of hogs, and. . . . . murder?!?!?!

"New Jersey's prognosticating rodent Milltown Mel saw the shadow of death - just before Groundhog Day"  

       -- NY Daily News

That is a real line pulled from a real news story. I wish I could take credit for such a bad joke. The news was released Sunday, January 30th, that Milltown Mel had passed away. The New Jersey based Groundhog was new to the game, having only begun his meteorological career in 2016. According to news reports, the cause of death is not yet clear. However, Milltown, NJ posted online that curious eyes could still get their groundhog-based weather predictions by tuning in to see Milltown Mel's cousins. My only question is, who are these unnamed cousins? They surely stand to benefit from Mel's... removal. What are their credentials? Were they jealous of Mel's spotlight? Are they unionized? WAS MEL STANDING IN THEIR WAY??? I can think of no other logical conclusion other than that Milltown Mel was killed by his cousins out of jealousy for his limelight and reputation as the bad boy of Groundhog Day.

This is probably the biggest Groundhog scandal since disgraced former Mayor Bill de Blasio killed Staten Island Chuck by dropping him in 2014. Sadly, we may never know the truth. 

Now for the moment you've all been waiting for, lets meet the Hogs.

Punxsutawney Phil: Phil is the most iconic groundhog in the country. His lineage can be traced back to colonial Pennsylvania where the Groundhog Day tradition began (maybe). This year, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, bringing six more months of winter.

Milltown Mel: Having been murdered by his jealous cousins, Mel was unable to make his annual weather forecast. The people of New Jersey will probably revert back to the old ways of weather forecasting practiced before the modern scientific groundhog-based method.... pagan sacrifices. This year Milltown Mel saw the shadow of death, guaranteeing endless winter until he is avenged.

Jimmy the Groundhog: Living in the Wisconsin, a.k.a. the Groundhog Capitol of the World, Jimmy has to be at his best every February 2nd. Groundhog Capitol of the World you say? That's right, baby! Groundhogs and dairy products, THATS WHAT WISCONSIN DOES! This morning, Jimmy the Groundhog did not see his shadow, guaranteeing an early spring.

Buckeye Chuck: As a winter storms rolls in to the mid-west ,Buckeye Chuck had an even tougher job to do. The eyes of Ohio turned to their weather-controlling hog to see if he could defeat the imminent snow storm. This year Buckeye Chuck did not see his shadow, predicting an early spring, which of course, he'll be spending on the shores of South Carolina. 

Staten Island Chuck: Staten Island Chuck is the official weather-forecasting groundhog for New York City. Chuck has to watch his back when making predictions because you never know when disgraced former Mayor Bill de Blasio may turn up to try and kill you like he did to one of Chuck's predecessors (no, I will never stop reminding the world that this happened). This year Chuck did not see his shadow, predicting an early spring.

Dunkirk Dave: Residing in Dunkirk, NY, Dunkirk Dave still holds the title as the second longest weather predicting groundhog. His refusal to retire shows his real passion for the work, and that the work isn't that hard. This morning, Dunkirk Dave saw his shadow, cursing his realm with six more weeks of winter. 

Potomac Phil: Living in Washington, D.C. Potomac Phil is just another unelected D.C. bureaucrat. Phil's predictions of the political climate are not only hackneyed, they're just downright unhelpful. Predicting "gridlock" doesn't inspire unity. Once again, Potomac Phil signed an executive order for an early spring, and also predicted six more months of political gridlock. Shocker.

General Beauregard Lee: General Beauregard Lee has the tall task of predicting the weather despite what his Yankee brethren may say. In a fairly divided year among the nation's leading groundhogs, General Beauregard Lee took a stand Georgia and it's fellow Southern States. This year, General Beauregard Lee held off winter's northern aggression and calls for the coming of an early spring.

And now we wait to see who will be correct and who must repent for their false prognostications. I am very happy knowing that General Beauregard Lee is bringing an early spring. Now, it is the task of all readers to write their Congressman and demand Potomac Phil be held accountable for his endless years of political gridlock. Predicting six more weeks of winter is one thing, but predicting six more months of political gridlock? That's just not cool.

Stay Safe Out There.

Dedicated to the memory of Milltown Mel, 2016-2022.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Meteorologist