Bottlenose Dolphin

 Thank goodness its Friday! Let's be honest, it's been one helluva week and you've earned a drink, more specifically, a Pabst Blue Ribbon. Pabst has that great taste of George Washington charging down your throat to fight the Brits, Red Coats, and Indians. Use promo code STCKYF at any gas station for 15% off a beautiful ice cold case of PBRs.

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!
This week STCKYF features the Bottlenose Dolphin.

Dolphins are so cute. They can swim fast, do tricks, and throw Sea World trainers in the air. We've all seen the stories on Shark Week where people claim to have been saved from the certain death of a shark's jaws by dolphins. Dolphins are incredibly social creatures and live in tight knit communities, which is part of the reason they act protectively towards humans. Adult males top the scales at 660 lbs and 13 feet nose to tail. Males live up to 40 years and females can live until 60. If you like dolphins, stop reading now. However, you shouldn't stop reading, because I worked hard on this. I'm just saying.

You know what else dolphins do when they aren't doing cute dolphin things? THEY RAPE. These horny mammals are not afraid to coerce female dolphins into making the beast with 6 fins. Groups of male dolphins commonly "corner" a single female so they can... well... you know... so they can grope for trout in a particular river if you know what I'm saying (and I say "corner" because it's the ocean and there aren't a lot of corners). These Harvey Weinsteins of the sea not only get away with it, but everyone still loves them. I mean be honest, before right now, you loved dolphins didn't you? Time to move on, my friend.

Luckily these malicious mammals keep their indiscretions within the species right? WRONG! They can, will, and have asserted themselves with people. When the mood strikes these aquatic Eric Schneidermans, there isn't much you can do. Face it, they're much bigger than you and are much better swimmers than you. You've got one option, you're going to have to fight it off (which isn't going to be easy but you should at least try). I'd suggest a diving knife, spear gun, or allying yourself with a Killer Whale, a known predator of Bottlenose Dolphins. 

The Bottlenose Dolphin is a heartless, sexual deviant. It'll go after whatever "prey" it sees with its dead black eyes. Males have been known to kill their own young so the female will be more willing to mate again. Now, to be fair, in the animal kingdom it is not uncommon for males to kill their young (for an example, give Lions a Google search). But to do so out of a need to dance below the crupper... that's messed up.

No, a Bottlenose Dolphin isn't going to kill you... but I bet you're wishing I told you that they would. The truth can be hard to hear, and just in time for #beachSzn too.

 
Stay safe out there. #MeToo

-- 
Charles R Mercer
Amateur Marine Biologist