Jaguar

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!
This week STCKYF features the Jaguar.

Native to Florida the Jaguar isn't particularly threatening, even though it somehow finished first in the AFC South. Though the Jaguar is known for its powerful striking ability, it is rarely able to connect with its target. Yeah, that was a shot a Blake Bortles ability to throw an accurate pass, didn't expect that did you? Wait a minute... how did I get on Blake Bortles? Aww man I must've gotten the Jacksonville Jaguars confused with actual Jaguars. My bad, gang.

Actual Jaguars don't live in Florida. They live in the southwestern United States, Mexico and Central America. So that's good news for all the retirees on the in Orlando. Its bad news for, well, everything else. The Jaguar is an apex predator that holds onto the top spot of the food pyramid with an iron fist. The Jaguar can take on any terrestrial and riparian (basically, riverbank area)  vertebrae in Central and South American. The only real exception, according to science, to that claim is the black caiman. Welp, I hate to break it to science, (note: I don't hate to break it to science) Jaguars kill caimans all the time. Don't believe me? By now you should just take my word on these things, BUT FINE! I'll give you proof. watch the video linked below (skip to 50 seconds).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgD60N9PqGM

Did you watch it? Good! How cool was that! Hey science, get outa here with that "Jags can't kill caimans", cause that caiman just got got. And caiman are not the only impressive animals that get taken down a notch by the Jaguar. Research has shown that the few Jaguars that venture into America kill and eat black bears. It's regular diet consist of up to 87 different species, which I guess is good. I mean, being a picky eater is probably not advantageous in the wild.

If it's going to take down lots of different species of prey, the Jaguar must be an expert hunter. Rather than being a chase predator, like the cheetah, the Jaguar hunts using the stank and ambush technique. Upon pouncing on its prey, the Jag uses its canine teeth to pierce through the temporal bones of the skull between the ears, piercing the brain. A task made much easier by the 4th strongest bite force in the animal kingdom, 1,350 psi to be exact. Those strong jaws also earn it the rank of Number 1 in terms of feline bite force.

The Jaguar doesn't just have an impressive bite. They are also incredibly fast. Almost as fast as the cheetah, a Jag can accelerate to 60 mph in 3.5 seconds, an easy feat when you consider that its got the same power output as 575 horses. Wait! Aww man I did it again! Geez this has been a long week. I keep getting actual Jaguars confused with other jaguars. No, the actual Jaguar cannot run that fast and is not the power equivalent of 575 horses. That's the specs from the supercharged V8 Jaguar F-Type. I promise this won't happen again.

Jaguars have a rare gene that results in a black coat rather than a yellow, brown and white coat. These black coated Jags are known as Melanistic Jaguars due to the theory that the melanistic allele is dominant. More commonly, Melanistic Jaguars are called black panthers. Any "black panther" in the United States is actually a Melanistic Jaguar. In Asia and Africa, "black panthers" are in fact leopards. Now you know!

The Indigenous people of South America were able to live in semi-harmony with the Jaguar. These people also were, like, super into human sacrifice. I'm not saying that they are connected... but I am strongly implying it. They also knew that the Jaguars would leave them alone if there were plenty of capybaras around. Look around, if you don't see an abundance of capybara, you may want to go on high alert... just in case.

Stay safe out there.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Zoologist

Cheetah

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!
This week STCKYF features the Cheetah.

It has been said that in a one on one fight, a human and a Cheetah would be a fairly even match. I'm here to tell you that this is utter bologna. Like the Wu Tang Clan, the Cheetah ain't nothin to [mess] with. Also like the Wu Tang Clan, the Cheetah will straight up kill you. Cheetah's use their unparalleled speed to chase down their prey and tackle it to the ground. Like all big cats, cheetahs bite the throat of their prey to suffocate it to death. It regularly takes down animals like the thomson's gazelle and Blesbok which has horns, what do you have?  Probably not horns.

Known for being the fastest land animal in the world, Cheetah's can accelerate from 0-60 mph in just 3 seconds. That's the same 0-60 time as a Ferrari 458 Italia. Think your Mazda MX-5 is quick? A Cheetah is literally twice as fast. If you were to compare the power differences between the Ferrari and a Cheetah, the Ferrari has 562 horse power the cheetah doesn't even have 1, because its not a horse... its a cheetah. That's an incredible power difference that I am almost certain that no one else has made. That's the kind of content I find for you guys, you're welcome.

Unlike other cats, the Cheetah has semi-retractable claws. Why might that be? Science says that because the claws are always partially extended, they work like cleats. More traction means they can accelerate faster and turn sharper. And Science might be on to something with that. However I think the claws never fully retract so that the Cheetah is ready to strike at any time. Like a samurai who partially unsheathes his sword before striking, the Cheetah keeps its claws in the ready position. What's that? You keep your claws (read: finger nails) ready at all times too? Well that's... um... not as impressive. Moving on...

Think you can take on a Cheetah? We know that you're no match for a Cheetah on the Serengeti. In the open spaces the Cheetah can use its speed to take you down like an unsuspecting antelope. I did the math (and by "I" I mean I googled it so it's accuracy is questionable) and the impact force of a 160 lbs male Cheetah at full speed (70 mph) is 4500 lbs. That's more than enough to take you down. Even if the internet's math is wrong (which is doubtful because the internet never lies), the Cheetah is still taking you down without a doubt because no matter how strong you are, it is hitting you at 70 mph.

So lets try and even the odds by taking away the Cheetah's speed advantage by limiting the area of this mono e mono duel. How are we going to do that? Let's say, oh I don't know... how about a good ole fashioned cage match. Just you and a Cheetah. Guess what tough guy! You still lose. The Cheetah has razor sharp claws and a 475 psi bite force (and for my OG readers, that is not enough force to crush a bowling ball). Like a house cat playing with a mouse, the Cheetah will pin you to the ground in moments. If you mess with a cheetah, don't be surprised if you get got.

Stay safe out there.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Zoologist

Slow Loris

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!
This week STCKYF features the Slow Loris.

Ah the Slow Loris. If there was one word to describe the Slow Loris I think it would have to be cuddly. When you see its big eyes you can't help but say "awwww!". Plus it looks super soft. The Slow Loris' level of unadulterated cuteness makes it seem like the perfect family pet. Just imagine this little guy just doing Slow Loris things around the house. Climbing on furniture. Eating your house plants (which normally would upset you but the darn thing is just so cute you let it slide). Looking at you with those big round eyes. THEN TRYING TO MURDER YOU WITH ITS POISONOUS ELBOWS!!

Bet you didn't see that coming, did you? The Slow Loris has the rare mammalian trait, unique to lorisid primates, of being able to produce a toxin. For reasons only known to science, the glands that produce the toxin are on the Slow Loris' arm. The Loris licks the glands to mix the toxin in with their saliva creating a toxic bite. This seems a little silly to me. Just have the toxin glands in your mouth so you can be ready to bite stuff all the time... but they didn't ask me. Interestingly enough, for the toxin to be potent it must be mixed with the saliva. If it is not mixed it acts as more of a mild irritant.

So what is in this toxic bite the Slow Loris has been bragging about? This is usually when I tell you all about neurotoxins or heart failure, but today I am not going to do that. Not because I don't want to, believe me, I do. It's just that the toxin in the Slow Loris' bite does not have any of the effects we usually see. In fact, the toxin in similar to the allergen in cat dander so the chances of it causing an allergic reaction are far higher than the chances of toxicosis. I know, kind of a bummer, right? But do not fret (or do fret, depending on how you'd like to look at this) because the Slow Loris' bit can and has killed people. Science claims that the deaths are the result of anaphylactic shock, but isn't entirely sure. Some studies have shown that the toxin contains batrachotoxins (if you check your notes you will see that this is also used by the Golden Poison Dart Frog) but only in recently caught wild Lorises. This toxin is not naturally part of the Slow Loris' venom, but it is acquired when the Loris eats certain species of beetle.

Luckily you are unlikely to run into these adorable monsters in the wild, unless you travel to Southeast Asia. The indigenous cultures in this region believe that the Slow Loris has the supernatural power to cure wounds and ward off evil spirits (big if true). For instance the Slow Loris is thought to be able to heal itself instantly after falling from a tree. Neat trick, right? But the best Loris lore comes from Borneo. They believe that the Lorises are the the gatekeepers for the heavens and that each person has a personal loris waiting for them in the afterlife. So when you die you get a cute, fuzzy wide eyed loris? Sign me up!

Stay safe out there.

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Charles R Mercer

Amateur Loris Enthusiast