Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!
This week STCKYF features the Snakehead Fish.
The Shakehead Fish has a long dorsal fin, large mouth, and shiny teeth. Typically, it eat insects, mollusks, small fish, and frogs. It lives in freshwater and reach 35 inches when fully grown. It is not native to the Southeastern United States... or any part of the United States to be more accurate. It is an invasive species originating in southwest Asia where they are a delicacy. Does it have venom? No. Talons? Not so much. The ability to control minds? It's never been confirmed. Kind of boring if you ask me (and you did).
"Hey Charles, how does this thing qualify for STCKYF? Sure, its an invasive species, but its not like it can travel from one body of water to another on its own. So no big deal, right?" Steven, can I call you Steven? Good. Look, Steven, you once again disappoint me with your ignorance and silly questions. OF COURSE IT CAN. The Snakehead Fish can breath air and travel over land at distances up to 400 meters (or 1/4 mile in English). Once they've reached a new body of water, a single female can lay up to 75,000 eggs in a single year (or 15,000 eggs 5 times per year). That daycare bill must be insane!
I never thought I'd say this, but for once, Science and I agree. Science is ENCOURAGING that you kill these monsters on the spot of you see or catch one. And unlike other fish, you can't just leave it out of water because, as previously stated, it can breath air. The Snakehead Fish is causing ecological damage all over the world in habitats where they have no natural predators. The damage they cause is so great, there is a new version of The Green New Deal (a.k.a. 2 Green 2 New Deal) which will blame the Snakehead Fish for global warming. The reason it was left out of the original bill is because AOC wasn't interested in blaming it for ecological harm, since the fish is native to Asia and Africa. In America they have been caught as far west as California, as far north as Maine, as far south as Florida, and recently, as close to home as Gwinnett County, GA. So that about covers, well, all of America.
Steven, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, humanity has peaked. We've reached the evolutionary pinnacle, so kudos on being alive to see it. How do I know? Well, if there is a fish that can crawl out of the water and survive up to 4 days on land, clearly evolution has started over (which is the bad news). So what's that mean for you and I? Probably not much, at least nothing will really change in our lifetime. But if evolution is restarting, humanity will probably die off, or at least fall down the food chain. The Snakehead Fish will grow limbs. Slowly it will learn how to hunt. It'll grow claws and develop a highly poisonous batrachotoxin. Maybe it'll even store the poison in its elbows (do you know what I'm talking about yet?). That's right! The new world order will be built by the Slow Loris who will dominate the Earth with its adorable gaze and toxic weenus. The Slow Loris masters will enslave humanity. To gain favor with the Babylonian god Erra, they will make human sacrifices on a scale and in a manner that would make the Mayans blush. And eventually, they will kill off most species on Earth. Most of the world will be turned into a baron dusty landscape where nothing is able to grow. The Slow Loris dynasty will have no option but to abandon Earth and move on to another planet to satiate their invasive instincts.
Or maybe not, but just to be safe... All hail our new overlords!
"Hey Charles, how does this thing qualify for STCKYF? Sure, its an invasive species, but its not like it can travel from one body of water to another on its own. So no big deal, right?" Steven, can I call you Steven? Good. Look, Steven, you once again disappoint me with your ignorance and silly questions. OF COURSE IT CAN. The Snakehead Fish can breath air and travel over land at distances up to 400 meters (or 1/4 mile in English). Once they've reached a new body of water, a single female can lay up to 75,000 eggs in a single year (or 15,000 eggs 5 times per year). That daycare bill must be insane!
I never thought I'd say this, but for once, Science and I agree. Science is ENCOURAGING that you kill these monsters on the spot of you see or catch one. And unlike other fish, you can't just leave it out of water because, as previously stated, it can breath air. The Snakehead Fish is causing ecological damage all over the world in habitats where they have no natural predators. The damage they cause is so great, there is a new version of The Green New Deal (a.k.a. 2 Green 2 New Deal) which will blame the Snakehead Fish for global warming. The reason it was left out of the original bill is because AOC wasn't interested in blaming it for ecological harm, since the fish is native to Asia and Africa. In America they have been caught as far west as California, as far north as Maine, as far south as Florida, and recently, as close to home as Gwinnett County, GA. So that about covers, well, all of America.
Steven, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, humanity has peaked. We've reached the evolutionary pinnacle, so kudos on being alive to see it. How do I know? Well, if there is a fish that can crawl out of the water and survive up to 4 days on land, clearly evolution has started over (which is the bad news). So what's that mean for you and I? Probably not much, at least nothing will really change in our lifetime. But if evolution is restarting, humanity will probably die off, or at least fall down the food chain. The Snakehead Fish will grow limbs. Slowly it will learn how to hunt. It'll grow claws and develop a highly poisonous batrachotoxin. Maybe it'll even store the poison in its elbows (do you know what I'm talking about yet?). That's right! The new world order will be built by the Slow Loris who will dominate the Earth with its adorable gaze and toxic weenus. The Slow Loris masters will enslave humanity. To gain favor with the Babylonian god Erra, they will make human sacrifices on a scale and in a manner that would make the Mayans blush. And eventually, they will kill off most species on Earth. Most of the world will be turned into a baron dusty landscape where nothing is able to grow. The Slow Loris dynasty will have no option but to abandon Earth and move on to another planet to satiate their invasive instincts.
Or maybe not, but just to be safe... All hail our new overlords!
Stay safe out there.
--
Charles R Mercer
Amateur Angler
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