Dendrocnide Moroides

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!
This week STCKYF features the Dendrocnide Moroides. 

I use the formal Latin name because Latin is synonymous with hell-speak, and this thing is demonic. But what is it? A megalodon? A Godzilla? A monster from the 4th dimension hell bent on claiming human souls to use as currency in an intergalactic poker game? Calm down reader (but not too calm, because you should be very VERY afraid), you're letting your wild imagination get the better of you; its none of those things. Its actually a bush. No, not the former owner of the Texas Rangers, George W. Bush. Its a bush, like a plant.

I know what you might be thinking (because by reading this, you have implicitly consented to allowing me to read your mind. Don't worry, its basic boilerplate internet blog contract stuff), why the big fuss about a bush? Look, don't let the bush lure you into a false sense of security with its bushiness. That's bush league. It all starts with the name. Not only does this bush go by its devilish Latin name, it also has several others: the stinging bush, the moonlighter, the mulberry-leaved stinger, and Stinger The Suicide Plant. For obvious reasons the last one is the best name for a bush ever. It has "Cone snail, Assassin of the Sea" vibes to it (a previous topic of STCKYF, which you can catch up on HERE). 

So what makes this bush so special? The plant is covered in stinging hairs that deliver a dose of neurotoxin when touched. The toxins immediately cause an incredibly painful stinging sensation that can last for several hours and up to several days. Once the initial pain finally subsides, you're not out of the woods yet. The pain will reoccur for months or even years whenever the area of skin that contacted the plant is touched, exposed to water, or is subject to a temperature change... so basically all the time. The skin will becomes covered in small red dots that, over time, grow together to form a swollen red welt. Sexy.

It gets worse. When land is being cleared of its trees and other assorted plants (#Deforestation!), if a worker doesn't know to be careful with the Stinger, The Suicide Plant it might end up in a woodchipper (the plant, not the worker). You might be thinking this is a good thing, after all the woodchipper utterly destroys the Stinger The Suicide Plant in a matter of seconds. It won't be able to hurt anyone else again, right? Wrong! The wood chipper transforms the Stinger The Suicide Plant into a neurotoxic cloud which can be accidentally inhaled. Remember the hours, days, weeks, months, and possibly years of excruciating pain from touching this bush? Well now all of that is happening to your lungs and esophagus. Yay nature!

"Charles, help! how do I avoid a Stinger, The Suicide Plant and the years of anguish that are sure to follow a close encounter?" If you ever find yourself in the proximity of a Stinger, The Suicide Plant, it means you've fallen for one of the classic blunders. The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well known is this; NEVER GO TO AUSTRIALIA. Of course this plant is native to Australia, the spiritual home of STCKYF (emphasis on spiritual home, under no circumstances will Australia ever become the actual home of STCKYF). Like everything else evil and deadly the Stinger, The Suicide Plant has been locked away in Australia like the Greek Titans in Tartarus. Except instead of being pre-Olympian gods, its a bush... so just like, don't touch it. 

Stay Safe Out There. 

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Botanist

Spider-Tailed Horned Viper

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!

This week STCKYF features the Spider-Tailed Horned Viper.

On these digital pages we have covered snakes and spiders in the past, albeit separately. Each can be incredibly dangerous in their own right. Today, I must inform you that Mother Nature decided to play a cruel joke on us all and combine these two maniacal creatures into one. Well, kinda. Though its named the Spider-Tailed Horned Viper, its tail is not actually a spider. The tip of the tail has long drooping scales giving it the appearance of a spider to lure in prey. Sorry to disappoint anyone hoping for a snake-spider sort of  cat-dog situation. Even if the spider part isn't real, these real life Pokemon are not to be taken lightly. 

Native to western Iran, the Spider-Tailed Horned Viper is just one more reason to not venture into the middle east. You know, besides a war, desert climate, ISIS, scorpions, and falafel. The Spider-Tailed Horned Viper is a perfect hunter. Its coloring blends in perfectly with the gypsum and limestone rocks of the region. Their camouflage is so good, it was difficult to find a picture of the snake where it could easily be seen. While perfectly camouflaged with the surrounding rock, the viper moves the tip of its tail back and forth mimicking a spider's movements. Yes, its incredibly creepy. For those of you who want to see for yourself, I've included a video below. But finish reading first, I worked hard on this.

Science says that luring is a very sophisticated form of hunting. Rather than ambushing or stalking prey, luring draws the prey in close within the predators strike range. Once a bird that was foolish enough to think its going to make a tasty snake out of a spider realizes that the spider is fake, its already too late. The Viper strikes with lightning fast speed. After a few moments of adrenaline fueled struggle, the prey succumbs to the venom. If you ask me, luring seems pretty lazy. This viper is like the college professor of the snake world. You know what I mean. Sure, the professor gets paid to ponder big ideas and sophisticated philosophies, but does that mean he's better than you? After all, you earn a respectable living, working hard at your blue-collar job to put food on the table for your family. I'm sure the blue-collar snakes of the world who catch their prey the old fashioned way are pretty tired of hearing about how revolutionary these cosmopolitan vipers are with their "luring" tactics.

I must admit, researching this week's topic was harder than usual (meaning Wikipedia was not very helpful). Apparently the entire internet only cares about how creepy these things are and not about facts. Every search result on google was just using the Spider-Tailed Horned Viper as bait for, well, click bait. If you are familiar with this blog, you know that I try to be completely factual, which is part of the reason we don't use any science. Normally, I would tell you about the toxins that make up the Spider-Tailed Horned Viper's venom and why its nothing you want to tangle with. Unfortunately, the internet does not think that this is information worth sharing. What's next, Internet?! Are you going to suggest I look it up in a book?! Unbelievable. The audacity of this whole situation has led to the adoption of STCKYF's new slogan, "My Facts Don't Care About Your Science", because once again, Science has let us all down. 

Though I cannot tell you for certain that the Spider-Tailed Horned Viper can kill you, the stomach churning creepiness of running into one of these bad boys in the wild just might. Also, its a viper... so, you know, it probably can.

Stay safe out there.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Herpetologist