White Snakeroot

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features White Snakeroot.

Never heard of it? Well that's why you have me. White Snakeroot is a plant, and it also just happens to be the first plant to ever grace the electronic pages of STCKYF. Sources tell me that the band Whitesnake thought about naming itself White Snakeroot, but thought it would be unwise to tempt the grim reaper like that. Smart move on their part. The plant is naturally found in every state east of Colorado, so be extra careful the next time you are foraging for food. If you see a plant about 4 to 5 feet tall with small white blooms, DON'T eat it.

White Snakeroot is best known for killing Nancy Hanks whose greatest achievement was birthing Abraham Lincoln. Mama Lincoln didn't eat some random berries, or make a tea out of some arbitrary plant she happened upon. You see, Ol Nance suffered from "milk poisoning". Apparently, cows are immune to White Snakeroot, they can eat it without a care in the world (mostly due to the fact that they are cows who by nature have very few, if any, cares). Having eaten the White Snakeroot, the cow can pass the toxins in a concentrated form (thanks cows!) to humans via their meat or milk. Nancy drank toxin laced milk and that would spell the end for Ol Nance. Nancy Hanks should have seen this unfortunate event coming her way though, because if I learned one thing in school, its that it always happens to Nancy.

So what happens when you ingest White Snakeroot? I have to admit it has some unique symptoms. Loss of appetite, nausea, weakness, abdominal discomfort (all fairly standard), reddened tongue, abnormal acidity of the blood (not so standard), and of course, death. For starters, your tongue is already reddish, I probably wouldn't notice if it got more red. Now to address the "abnormal blood acidity". I contacted STCKYF's resident medical expert and potential stalker of yours truly... Dr. Doogie Howser (I'm serious you guys, he writes sooo much fan mail, and they're all hand written! Who has time for that anymore? If he starts using letters cut out of magazines I won't be surprised). Dr. Howser informed me that increased blood acidity, or "acidosis" as those witch crafting scientists would call it, happens when the body ceases to be as efficient at, or can no longer, remove acid from the blood. This allows acid from natural body functions to build up, which is not good. small changes to blood pH can have life threatening effects. Blood usually has a pH of 7.4, but a change of .05 can be deadly. Big thanks to NPH for the insight.

From everything I've read, White Snakeroot is not a glorious way to kick the bucket. But maybe we should be thanking White Snakeroot. Think about it. Without it, would Abraham Lincoln have become president? Would Whitesnake have written the rock power ballad Here I Go Again? Would UCF have won a national championship? Would NPH constantly badger me with memes and invitations to "be best friends"? Would we even have Shit That Can Kill You Friday's? Probably not, so thank you White Snakeroot.

Stay safe out there.

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Charles R Mercer

Amateur Botanist