Black Friday

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features Black Friday.

That's right my loyal readers, the most infamous shopping day of the year (which just so happens to be today) CAN KILL YOU. "But Charles, the only killer thing about black Friday is the deals. There is no way a bargain can kill me." Hey, that's enough lip out of you. No, a good deal on an Xbox won't kill you (unless maybe you have a bad heart and the shock of saving a hundred bucks brings on a literal heart attack). However, the mother of four with a crazy look in her eye who promised her son she would buy him one for Christmas and its the last Xbox in stock just might.

People do crazy things for a good deal. Every year, fights break out in stores over Lego sets, people stab people over Kitchen Aid mixers, and people shoot people over a pair of Air Force Ones. Suburban families turn into demons as they run around their favorite stores pushing people over, kicking the elderly and spitting on babies. All in the name of consumerism. Even if you manage to make it through check out unharmed, there is an 87% change you will be murdered in the parking lot of Big Lots as you load your new Easy Boy into the back of your Subaru Forester. 

"But Charles! how can I dodge the grim reaper while taking advantage of 75% off everything in store at Bed, Bath and Beyond?" As luck would have it, I can help you with that. You see, this week STCKYF is adding a new segment where I will give you tips on how to avoid dying this holiday season. So here goes, my top 10 rules for surviving black Friday:

1. Don't go shopping on black Friday. I really can't emphasis this one enough.

2. If you must go, don't shop at Walmart or any other store where poor people shop. They have nothing to loose and won't think twice about breaking out their prison shank.

3. Ok ok fine. You're going to Walmart. But if a guy named Crazy Steve asks you for the TV you have in your cart so he and his imaginary friend Mr. Biggles can watch The Joy of Painting hosted by legendary painter Bob Ross, you give it to him. (and come on, if the TV can fit in your cart, its way too small). No seriously, give him the TV. He will shank you and that will hurt.

4.Like Mohammed Ali you have to bob and weave... Never let your guard down and always look over your shoulder.

5. Never EVER reach go for anything on the bottom shelf in a crowded store. You will get knocked to the floor and trampled.

6. treat stores and parking lots on black Friday as if they're the bad part of town and you're an attractive(ish) looking female (or male, I guess. it is 2017). brightly lit areas are your friend. avoid dark alleys and poorly lit isles.

7.Wear a Kevlar vest. You may get shot and body armor is a safe bet. If its good enough for our troops in Iraq, it'll do at a Sam's Club.

8. Never go alone. (this kinda ties in with rule 6). bad people look for the vulnerable looking single people to prey on. The buddy system never goes out of style.

9. Bring a weapon. Look, you don't want to be the only guy at a picnic without a blanket, right? Well, you also don't want to be the only person inside a crowded Target that doesn't have a knight stick.

10. Wear safety glasses. Pepper spray HURTS.

If you follow these 10 rules, you just might make it out alive. Or, like the sensible person you are (I know you must have at least some sense, because you subscribed to this Column) you could avoid the stabbings and shootings and blood stained mall corridors and just shop online like the true millennial you are.

Stay safe out there.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Journalist

Turkey Frying

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features turkey frying.

With Thanksgiving right around the corner I though it fit to have a special Thankgiving themed edition of STCKYF. (Also, thanks to Sam for the suggestion).

Let me paint you a picture. Its a brisk November afternoon and the whole family is gathered outside for the annual frying of the turkey. Everyone's chit chat masks the subtle hiss of the propane burner heating the oil. Dad walks out of the house, turkey in one hand, oatmeal stout in other. It was time. Dad approached the fryer ready to insert the turkey that had been brining for the past 48 hours into the oil. "Be careful dear! we don't want to have any problems like the Smith's had last year!" warned mom. Vintage Mom. Never believing Dad could do something correctly, constantly nagging. He bottled his resentment for her lack of trust deep down with another swig or two of his beer. "Play it cool" Dad though to himself, "No need to hash this out with mom right now, in front of the kids, again."  It was go time. Dad lowered the turkey into the pot and the oil sent out a few pops. The pops grew more violent and water from the still partially frozen turkey met the hot oil. Dad swore under his breath loud enough for his children to hear. The violent fryer spat more and more oil out of the pot. "ok everybody take a step back," said Dad "just to be safe." The oil that was now dripping down the side of the pot met the dancing flames of the propane burner and in an instant the flames climbed up the dripping oil and engulfed the entire pot. "Billy, get the fire extinguisher!" cried Dad. "I told you to be careful!" Cried Mom. The fire spread onto the wooden patio and soon the whole house was ablaze. Just like the Smith's last year. "Everybody run! Save yourselves!" Dad shouted over the sound of the flames. He knew he would never hear the end of this one.

This happens across the country. Every year 900 homes are destroyed because of turkey fryers. South Carolina and Georgia rank fourth and fifth nationally in total number of Thanksgiving day grease and cooking related accidents every year (Woohoo!). Deep frying a whole turkey is serious business. Every year the news warns the nation about the do's and dont's of turkey frying and every year people don't listen... because people are DUMB. Fire departments even host events where they will fry your turkey for you... and people STILL BURN DOWN THEIR HOMES. I mean come on! Just be smart about it and you won't die. However, as we all know, stupid is as stupid does. And when thanksgiving rolls around, stupid decides to show off to the whole family by deep frying the main course. Stupid and 350 degree oil do not mix. EVER. You may be thinking, "But Charles, I'm not stupid, so I'll be fine". Well, that's exactly what Stupid would say....

Too much oil? It spills over the sides, ignites, and you die.

Too much heat? The oil ignites on it's own, and you die.

Turkey still frozen? flames, spitting oil, and more flames erupt from the pot. Oh, and you die.

Even if you somehow manage to survive your turkey day disaster, you'll be in agony from 3rd degree burns. Hell, you may even look like Harvey Two-Face from Batman. My question is, when did baking the turkey in the oven become so lame that people are willing to die in order to jazz up Thanksgiving? I mean, why do things the easy way when you can do them the deadly way, Right? If you're wondering, I'll be sticking to the baked bird this year.

As always, Stay safe out there, and happy Thanksgiving.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Firefighter

Grey Wolf

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features the Grey Wolf.

The Grey Wolf is a pack animal which means it lives, hunts and kills as part of a group, typically 7-8 wolves. Now, because everything the wolf does is done as part of a group, we will be multiplying everything by 8 to account for the whole pack. Right about new you may be wondering, with all this "wolf pack" talk, if I am going to start making silly The Hangover references. I'll have you know that this is serious column and I would never stoop so low.

Interestingly enough, they live in nuclear families, so I'm sure they spend most of their time trying to keep up with the Joneses (probably). The grey wolf is an apex predator whose only real competition is from tigers (in Asia). I want us all to take a moment and think about that. Go ahead. picture it in your mind. I'll wait. Wolf pack vs tiger... to the death. I would pay sooooo much money to watch that show down. Like at least $100.. cash.

The Grey Wolf, which is the largest of it's wolf brethren, can grows to be around 100 pounds with a bite force of 1500 psi. Some of you may recall that a grizzly bear only needed 1160psi to crush a bowling ball, unfortunately a wolf's jaw isn't big enough for this feat, it sure is strong enough. Now if we do some maths... hold on... where did I leave my calculator... wait... found it.... 100 times... carry the 1.... Eureka! If you were to run into a pack of these killers you would be facing down 800 pounds of growling pack animal with a 12,000 psi bite force. That's a power to weight ratio that would make a grizzly bear cry.

Grey Wolves have complex social structures. Each pack contains a hierarchy with a mated pair (mom and dad) at the top, then their children, whose ranking is determined between 5-8 weeks of age while play fighting. Between packs there is also a hierarchy, the biggest and baddest at the top. Each pack is a tight knit group that doesn't take to kindly to strangers, other packs, or even a one man wolf pack (Like I wouldn't make a reference to The hangover, please). Each pack establishes its territory and defends it vigilantly.

What makes the Grey Wolf a perfect topic for STCKYF is the long history the wolf has with humans across the globe. The wolf symbolizes danger and destruction; the warrior and the devil in one. Native Americans would call upon the spirit of the wolf in certain ceremonies because the wolf was a symbol of power, a symbol of nature perfected. The wolf was respected by many cultures because of the danger they posed to humans. That Danger has not gone away.

Well that "perfection" of neature comes at a price. Wolves are killers. People Killers. Records of wolf attacks date back at least 800 years with thousands of recorded deaths. Wolves are extremely intelligent and use their smarts and your fear to their advantage. Usually wolf attacks are the result of people wandering into the pack's territory, though it can be predatory (Big dog's gotta eat, after all). If you aren't paying attention, they will sneak up on you and kill you with a quick bite to the throat. If you see/hear them coming and run, they will chase you, let you run until you're dead tired, and then they will kill you... and them you'll just be dead. As a group they will tackle you while one wolf bites your throat and another simultaneously bites your left pinky. It's an instinct that can still be found in dogs today.

Most victims are under the age of 18 and almost all of them are women. Wait, I'm sorry, I can't do this. Here we are, having a lovely chat about things that can kill us, and then these sexist pigs come along and ruin it. I mean it's 2018! Who does that anymore?! Only preying on women, it makes me sick... SICK I TELL YOU! Pretty soon you'll be hearing that grey wolves make males and females go to the bathroom behind separate trees and not behind the tree that they identify with. Completely unacceptable!

Long story short: If you run into a grey wolf pack you're pretty much screwed... especially if you happen to be a woman. Do yourselves a favor and try and make the wolf think you're a man.

Stay safe out there.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Zoologist

Grizzly Bear

Now, we've spent the majority of our time together looking at things that use venom to kill their prey, and you know what... venom is starting to get a little boring. What happened to the good old days when survival of the fittest meant the actual fittest and not some square who through evolution developed a chemical that can do all the heavy lifting (I'm looking at you Irukandji jellyfish). Let take a look at something that doesn't need venom to do its killing. Something that kills because it wants to. Something that kills because its the baddest thing around.

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features the Grizzly Bear.

Weighing in at 700 pounds, these four legged mountains are not something you should mess with. 700 pounds alone is scary, that 700 pounds making up a bear... even scarier. They have razor sharp claws, jaws scarier and more powerful than Max could ever hope for, and they don't care what gets in their way. Perks of being top dog (or bear) in the food chain. Science nerds say that a grizzly bear could crush a bowling ball in its jaws (1160 psi of force). This is just an estimation made by the science nerds, but I do know that people are much easier to crush than bowling balls. So does it really matter if they can or not? The mere possibility is enough to make sure you are never on the business end of their anti jaws of life.

Good thing we can just avoid them, right? WRONG! They live on every continent except for Antarctica. You get what I'm saying? They're everywhere. EVERYWHERE! Whatever you do... don't turn around. There is a chance (a technically very very very small chance) that one of them is behind you. Probably not, but there's always a chance...

Human-Bear interactions are usually caused by the bear associating people with food. If the bear is hungry and the people don't have food, these boy scouts of the forest make lemonade from lemons and just eat the people. How resourceful! Other attacks result from people sneaking up on a bear or getting too close to Mama bear when the cubs are around. I believe the latter, mothers are always protective of their young, but I don't buy the first one. Who sneaks up on a bear? As I already pointed out, they're massive and they're not exactly masters of disguise. You wouldn't sneak up on the Taliban would you? No. And like the Taliban, grizzly bears will kill you and feel nothing in their cold, black bear hearts.

Now, I have to mention that grizzly bears are "threatened" of "endangered" depending on the country. Even though their numbers are dwindling, that doesn't stop "problem bears" from becoming accustomed to people, get too close, and have to be put down by the Canadian Mounties. Do yourself a favor, stay away from these kings of the forest. If you don't, they will crush you like a bowling ball.

Stay safe out there.

 

--

Charles R Mercer
Amateur Zoologist