Turkey Frying

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features turkey frying.

With Thanksgiving right around the corner I though it fit to have a special Thankgiving themed edition of STCKYF. (Also, thanks to Sam for the suggestion).

Let me paint you a picture. Its a brisk November afternoon and the whole family is gathered outside for the annual frying of the turkey. Everyone's chit chat masks the subtle hiss of the propane burner heating the oil. Dad walks out of the house, turkey in one hand, oatmeal stout in other. It was time. Dad approached the fryer ready to insert the turkey that had been brining for the past 48 hours into the oil. "Be careful dear! we don't want to have any problems like the Smith's had last year!" warned mom. Vintage Mom. Never believing Dad could do something correctly, constantly nagging. He bottled his resentment for her lack of trust deep down with another swig or two of his beer. "Play it cool" Dad though to himself, "No need to hash this out with mom right now, in front of the kids, again."  It was go time. Dad lowered the turkey into the pot and the oil sent out a few pops. The pops grew more violent and water from the still partially frozen turkey met the hot oil. Dad swore under his breath loud enough for his children to hear. The violent fryer spat more and more oil out of the pot. "ok everybody take a step back," said Dad "just to be safe." The oil that was now dripping down the side of the pot met the dancing flames of the propane burner and in an instant the flames climbed up the dripping oil and engulfed the entire pot. "Billy, get the fire extinguisher!" cried Dad. "I told you to be careful!" Cried Mom. The fire spread onto the wooden patio and soon the whole house was ablaze. Just like the Smith's last year. "Everybody run! Save yourselves!" Dad shouted over the sound of the flames. He knew he would never hear the end of this one.

This happens across the country. Every year 900 homes are destroyed because of turkey fryers. South Carolina and Georgia rank fourth and fifth nationally in total number of Thanksgiving day grease and cooking related accidents every year (Woohoo!). Deep frying a whole turkey is serious business. Every year the news warns the nation about the do's and dont's of turkey frying and every year people don't listen... because people are DUMB. Fire departments even host events where they will fry your turkey for you... and people STILL BURN DOWN THEIR HOMES. I mean come on! Just be smart about it and you won't die. However, as we all know, stupid is as stupid does. And when thanksgiving rolls around, stupid decides to show off to the whole family by deep frying the main course. Stupid and 350 degree oil do not mix. EVER. You may be thinking, "But Charles, I'm not stupid, so I'll be fine". Well, that's exactly what Stupid would say....

Too much oil? It spills over the sides, ignites, and you die.

Too much heat? The oil ignites on it's own, and you die.

Turkey still frozen? flames, spitting oil, and more flames erupt from the pot. Oh, and you die.

Even if you somehow manage to survive your turkey day disaster, you'll be in agony from 3rd degree burns. Hell, you may even look like Harvey Two-Face from Batman. My question is, when did baking the turkey in the oven become so lame that people are willing to die in order to jazz up Thanksgiving? I mean, why do things the easy way when you can do them the deadly way, Right? If you're wondering, I'll be sticking to the baked bird this year.

As always, Stay safe out there, and happy Thanksgiving.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Firefighter