King Cobra

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!
This week STCKYF features the King Cobra.

Sorry Indiana Jones, we're doing another snake. But not just any snake. The king of snakes. King Cobras can grow up to 18 feet long and weigh as much as 20 lbs. If you were to look these snakes up on kids.nationalgeographic.com, it will inform you that the King Cobra is in fact lighter than a 500 lbs piano and shorter than a 37 ft long school bus. I'm not kidding. That's what it says. That's what we're teaching kids. I mean... just.... come on, man!

Anywho... A distinct feature of the King Cobra is its hood, and by "hood" I am not using a colloquial term to refer to the King Cobra's habitat. The cobra has elongated ribs that it can flare out which stretches out the skin, creating the hood. The hood is primarily used as a defensive technique to make itself look bigger. If its foe thinks that the snake is too big and scary to deal with, it will leave the snake alone. The cobra sometimes has markings on the back of its hood that looks like a smiley face. Paired with its angel of death capabilities, these marking reminds me of the "Have A Nice Day" sign on the back of the KKK members in Blazing Saddles. The King Cobra's hood is so iconic it inspired the now famous pose of defeat, the Surrender Cobra.

The King Cobra packs a powerful neurotoxin called haditoxin. a single bite delivers a large venom yield (7 ml) that quickly causes blurred vision, vertigo, paralysis, cardiovascular collapse, respiratory failure, comas. If left untreated, an adult human would be checking out the grass from underneath in as little as 30 minutes. The venom is so powerful it has been recorded to be capable of killing an elephant in a matter of hours. Antivenom is available and it works quite well, but you do not have a lot of time to get to the hospital.

The King Cobra is known for being the most charming member of the animal kingdom. Wait. Sorry, I meant most charmable member of the animal kingdom. Snake charming is a dying art in India (ha! get it?!). They used to be a staple at festivals in India, but thanks to animal rights activists, they are becoming scarcer. The snakes actually aren't dancing to the music played by the charmer's flute. In fact, the Cobra can't hear the music at all because snakes don't have ears. The Cobra becomes transfixed on the swaying pipe which it sees as a potential threat. So what appears to be a magical taming of a deadly predator is actually just a Cobra being a Cobra. Snake charming debunked!

So what should you do if you encounter a King Cobra in the wild? Well, according to the experts you should slowly remove a shirt or hat and toss it to the ground and back away. I promise I didn't make that up. Why should you do this? I'm so glad you asked because I have a theory. The King Cobra is kind of a fan of strippers. If you start taking off your shirt, the Cobra will think it's getting a free show! If it killed you, well, no free show means sad Cobra. That's why you have to do it slowly; to make the Cobra think it's real, like really sell it. And as you slowly back away the Cobra loves to watch you go. Sure, you might feel used and objectified, but you're alive.

Stay safe out there.
 

-- 
Charles R Mercer
Amateur Snake Charmer