Christmas Spectacular!

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday’s!

This week STCKYF features (keep reading to find out!).

Merry Christmas Stanley! I hope you are as filled with the Christmas spirit as I am. Together we can have a merry, bright, and safe holiday. Because of course, as I’ve so painstakingly told you, everything, everything, everything, and, of course, everything can kill you. But don’t let that be a downer. Light the yule log (though be sure to have a fire extinguisher ready), wrap all the presents (but don’t run with scissors), and don’t forget to put out cold beer and pickled eggs for Santa Claus. You’ll notice that The Christmas STCKYF Spectacular is a little bit different than our usual form, let’s just have fun with it.

 A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away (ok, maybe not a galaxy, but like a few thousand miles) there lived a great man. Now, how you define great could be debated, but he was a man who wielded a great deal of power. You see, he was not just a man, but a king. As king, it was important for him to solidify his rule, or else he would face the wrath of either his subjects, or the far worse wrath of his overlords. No, he was not the highest rung on the political ladder. Far from it, actually. He was an important tool for his masters to maintain relative peace in the region. The king feared his overlords far greater than he feared his subjects, as any reasonable person would. After all, his overlords had a tendency to make rather strong examples out of anyone who dared to defy them. So, the king went about ensuring his own reign through the use of secret police to squash protests before they begin, and to monitor the general public opinion. The king was probably best known for his taxes, which he used to raise money for the construction of public buildings. These projects tended to increase the public tension rather than alleviate it; even leading to revolt.

It was a tense time for the king. You see, with friction growing between the two factions under his rule, the last thing the king needed was a political challenger. That’s exactly what he got. Well, not exactly. Rather than having a man stand up asking for “liberty or death”, the king’s challenger first came to his attention as a rumor. In those days, the king’s overlords issued a decree that a census should be taken, and everyone was to go to their own town to register. It was during this census that the king learned about his challenger. The king knew that if the challenger was successful, it would mean certain death for himself, and even if the challenger failed, the king’s overlords might decide he’s not suited for his position (a.k.a. death). So, the king sent out men of high rank to find the challenger and report back to him. After the men of high rank found and met the challenger, they decided to conceal the challenger’s whereabouts from the king. Outraged by the deception by the men of high rank, the king ordered the death of everyone who fit the description of his challenger. By order of the king, hundreds were killed, but not the challenger. No, the challenger was taken into hiding out of the country until it was safe to return.

The challenger was not the typical type of person to challenge the king’s rule. He was not a victorious military general or a well-known politician. The king’s challenger did not march a large army against him, but nonetheless, he challenged the king’s status quo. The challenger did not seek to take the king’s throne; his challenge to the king was in title only. A title which was bestowed upon him, even before he was born, before the census was declared by the king’s overlords, before he was wrapped in swaddling cloth and laid in a manger. The king’s challenger was an 8 lbs. 6 oz. baby, named Jesus, the Son of the Most-High, Possessor of the Throne of David, King of the Jews. And so, the king, or more accurately, King Herod, ordered the death of everyone who fit the description of the baby Jesus, that is, every child in Bethlehem two years old and younger. He sought to prevent a challenger to his throne, as foretold by the prophets, to be his downfall. But the child he targeted, the challenger to his rule, was safe in Egypt.

As we celebrate Christmas and the birth of the baby Jesus, be sure to be aware of the typical holiday dangers. On average 160 Christmas tree fires happen every year. 34% of emergency room visits were the result of falling while hanging lights (which, like Jeffery Epstein, don’t hang themselves). The Consumer Product Safety Commission estimates that in 2012, there were 15,000 injuries resulting from holiday decorating. Not to mention the countess injuries resulting from Krampus, the Christmas demon, who punishes children who misbehave. But above all these holiday hazards, let’s not forget the original Christmas peril, being killed as an infant by a grown man who was threatened by a baby. A baby who was still hadn’t watched all of his Baby Einstein videos to learn shapes and colors.

Merry Christmas, Stanley, and Stay safe out there.

-Charles R Mercer
Amateur Theologian

Snakehead Fish

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!

This week STCKYF features the Snakehead Fish.

The Shakehead Fish has a long dorsal fin, large mouth, and shiny teeth. Typically, it eat insects, mollusks, small fish, and frogs. It lives in freshwater and reach 35 inches when fully grown. It is not native to the Southeastern United States... or any part of the United States to be more accurate. It is an invasive species originating in southwest Asia where they are a delicacy. Does it have venom? No. Talons? Not so much. The ability to control minds? It's never been confirmed. Kind of boring if you ask me (and you did).

"Hey Charles, how does this thing qualify for STCKYF? Sure, its an invasive species, but its not like it can travel from one body of water to another on its own. So no big deal, right?" Steven, can I call you Steven? Good. Look, Steven, you once again disappoint me with your ignorance and silly questions. OF COURSE IT CAN. The Snakehead Fish can breath air and travel over land at distances up to 400 meters (or 1/4 mile in English). Once they've reached a new body of water, a single female can lay up to 75,000 eggs in a single year (or 15,000 eggs 5 times per year). That daycare bill must be insane!

I never thought I'd say this, but for once, Science and I agree. Science is ENCOURAGING that you kill these monsters on the spot of you see or catch one. And unlike other fish, you can't just leave it out of water because, as previously stated, it can breath air. The Snakehead Fish is causing ecological damage all over the world in habitats where they have no natural predators. The damage they cause is so great, there is a new version of The Green New Deal (a.k.a. 2 Green 2 New Deal) which will blame the Snakehead Fish for global warming. The reason it was left out of the original bill is because AOC wasn't interested in blaming it for ecological harm, since the fish is native to Asia and Africa. In America they have been caught as far west as California, as far north as Maine, as far south as Florida, and recently, as close to home as Gwinnett County, GA. So that about covers, well, all of America.

Steven, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, humanity has peaked. We've reached the evolutionary pinnacle, so kudos on being alive to see it. How do I know? Well, if there is a fish that can crawl out of the water and survive up to 4 days on land, clearly evolution has started over (which is the bad news). So what's that mean for you and I? Probably not much, at least nothing will really change in our lifetime. But if evolution is restarting, humanity will probably die off, or at least fall down the food chain. The Snakehead Fish will grow limbs. Slowly it will learn how to hunt. It'll grow claws and develop a highly poisonous batrachotoxin. Maybe it'll even store the poison in its elbows (do you know what I'm talking about yet?). That's right! The new world order will be built by the Slow Loris who will dominate the Earth with its adorable gaze and toxic weenus. The Slow Loris masters will enslave humanity. To gain favor with the Babylonian god Erra, they will make human sacrifices on a scale and in a manner that would make the Mayans blush. And eventually, they will kill off most species on Earth. Most of the world will be turned into a baron dusty landscape where nothing is able to grow. The Slow Loris dynasty will have no option but to abandon Earth and move on to another planet to satiate their invasive instincts. 

Or maybe not, but just to be safe... All hail our new overlords!

Stay safe out there.

-- 

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Angler

Sidewinder

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!

This week STCKYF features the Sidewinder.

The Sidewinder is a beast that goes by many names. Nerds call it Crotalus Cerastes, other call it the horned rattlesnake, colloquially it is known as the sidewinder, and to its friends it goes by Richard. No matter what you call it, you should use its name with respect. No, wait, not respect. What's the word that's kinda like respect? Oh yeah. Fear. Use the name with fear, like you would with Voldemort or Ted Cruz (a.k.a. the Zodiac Killer). Each of its names refers to a different characteristic of the snake. Sidewinder is in reference to its method of locomotion that we will discuss momentarily. Horned rattlesnake refers to the raised scales behind its eyes that protect the eyes from sand. Crotalus Cerastes is Latin, a.k.a. devil-speak, because this snake is a killer. And I believe Richard is a family name. 

The Sidewinder is native to the southwestern United States and northwestern Mexico a.k.a. the desert. Now, being around all that sand can make getting around very tiring. Think back to your last beach vacation. Remember trying to walk through the deep sand with a chair in one hand and a cooler in the other? It's not an easy task, but we are not designed to negotiate such terrain. The Sidewinder moves in a way to maximize its body contact with the sand while also maximizing traction. A normal snake cannot slither up steep sand dunes because it cannot get enough traction on the loose sand. The Sidewinder can. In fact, the Sidewinder can move so efficiently over the shifting desert sands that it can reach speeds of 18 mph. (It is a difficult movement to fully describe so I have attached a video like for your viewing pleasure: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3NbPUTD5qA).

Luckily, a snake with such a locomotive advantage in the desert doesn't have the most impressive venom. I mean, sure, it can still be fatal but come on... its no Cone Snail, am i right?!?! The venom causes pain , swelling, hemorrhagic bleb formation, coagulopathy and ecchymosis. I have consulted with our resident medial expert, Dr. Doogie Howser about what those last two big words mean. (and by "consulted" I mean he was almost in tears because STCKYF hasn't needed his help in quite some time, and I couldn't stand to see the little guy so upset). The Doctor has informed me that coagulopathy is the inability of the blood to coagulate. This means that the venom gets to freely travel around the body and do its worst. Ecchymosis, broadly speaking, is the escape of blood into tissues from a ruptured blood vessel. I'm not sure to what extent the venom causes ecchymosis and if it constitutes internal bleeding. Wikipedia Dr. Howser, did not go into that much detail about it. 

Dr. Howser told me the story of a man he once treated who was bitten by a Sidewinder on the first joint of his right index finder. Only one fang broke the skin (read: half dose of venom) and the victim reported that it felt like a pin prick. However, within 2.5 hours the victim's arm was swollen from shoulder to fingertip and it felt like his arm was "soaking in a bucket of boiling oil." Sheesh. The man lived and now lives in fear of the Sidewinder and boiling oil. Just remember that only one fang penetrated the skin and therefore only half of the venom was injected. Imagine what a full dose could do. (On second thought, try not to think about it.)

So what makes the Sidewinder especially terrifying? ROBOTIC SIDEWINDERS! Science has decided that it would really facilitate the machines rising up and enslaving us all if some of the aforementioned machines were terrifying snake robots. Who, you might ask, would want to help the robots in their inevitable uprising? GEORGIA TECH NERDS. I should've known. Frankly, I'm disgusted. Engineers are supposed to help us build a better world, not sell us out to the Russians robots. If you were planning on hiding out in the desert during the robotic wars, think again. Georgia Tech is helping to build robots that can't get stuck in sand because they use, and have improved, the Sidewinder's movements. Don't believe me? See for yourself:
https://www.latimes.com/science/sciencenow/la-sci-sn-robot-snake-sidewinder-sand-bioinspired-20141009-story.html

Georgia Tech nerds, if you're reading this (and I know you are), please don't help the robots destroy us all. They can't fill the void in your heart that is usually filled with human interaction. Go outside. Spend time with your family. AND JOIN THE MOVEMENT. The Species Extinction Counter-movement, or SEC. A movement so important to humanity that it just means more.

Stay safe out there. 

-- 

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Herpetologist

Blue-ringed Octopus

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!

This week STCKYF features the Blue-ringed Octopus.

WE'RE BACK BABY! After a lengthy leave of absence from these electronic pages, I have decided to revive STCKYF because YOU need me to. I've heard your many complaints and received your sad dejected letters. Your Fridays have been dull and without whimsy of any kind. Your heads have not been filled with random facts that may one day be useful in a game of trivia, if ever at all. And be honest, Phil. You missed me and my no good English. Well, be sad no more! I'm back. We're back. Let's do this.

Our return installment of STCKYF takes us back to the spiritual home of this blog, Australia. Well, actually the Australian ocean. Well, actually the Pacific and Indian oceans between Japan and Australia. Close Enough. Making its home in tide pools and coral reefs in the aforementioned oceans, the Blue-ringed Octopus is known as one of the most venomous marine animals in the world. The Blue-ringed octopus is aptly named for the blue and black rings that cover its body. Not a very creative name, but where does subtlety get you? When threatened, they become bright yellow in color and the blue rings begin to flash. This is done to deter predators while the octopus escapes. You may think that making yourself more noticeable would be a bad defense, but when you carry as potent of a toxin as the Blue-ringed Octopus, you want everyone to know who you are. 

The toxin carried by the Blue-ringed Octopus, tetrodotoxin, is the same toxin that makes Pufferfish and the California Newt, (previous STCKYF topics) both of which are creatures not to be trifled with. This 5-8 inch Octopus carries enough venom to kill 26 adult humans within minutes. How can it wreak so much havoc? Well, tetrodotoxin is 1,200 times more toxic than cyanide. The toxin is found in every organ and gland in its little body, including its heart (it's cold, black, evil heart). Mothers will even inject the toxin into their eggs so that the unhatched babies begin to produce their own toxin. The bite from a Blue-ringed Octopus is small and painless leaving the only indication for the victim that they have been bitten to be the respiratory paralysis that soon sets in. (Note: this means you can't breath). Once the paralysis sets in, without medical aid, you only have a few minutes left to live before you're pushing up the daisies. 

As of 2018, no anti-venom is available. But don't fret, there is still hope (because its 2019 now, so who knows!). The venom's main effect is muscular paralysis which includes important muscles like the diaphragm (used for breathing) and the heart (used for loving). CPR is an effective tool for keeping victims alive until they can be taken to the hospital where they can be hooked up to a ventilator while the toxin is removed. Just remember to do chest compressions to the tune of Staying Alive. What's that, Phil? You don't know the song? Ok, for all my millennial readers out there, try doing chest compressions to the tune of  Something Just Like This by The Chainsmokers. Happy? Normally, I would just tell you to go by a Bee Gees album and learn the song, but LIVES ARE AT STAKE.

The Blue-ringed Octopus' reputation for death has gained it some notoriety. In the James Bond film Octopussy, the Blue-ringed Octopus is a symbol of the secret order of female bandits and smugglers. More recently, the Blue-ringed Octopus went #viral on TikTok in a video of a tourist picking one up (kids, do NOT try this at home).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAmTTCV7GyY

My advise is, as always, stay away from Australia.

Stay safe out there. 

-- 

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Writer