New Year's Resolutions

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features New Year's Resolutions.

With 2017 coming to a close I thought it would be prudent to dedicate the last STCKYF of the year to something New Years related, more specifically resolutions. You know what I'm talking about, those pesky things we make every year as we say to ourselves, "self, this is the year we actually stick to our resolution. This year is going to be different!". Statistically, 80% of all new years resolutions fail in February. Fact. Let's face it, not only are you highly unlikely to stick to your resolution, there is a large chance that it will KILL YOU. That's right STCKYFers, your new years resolution can be your demise. Let me elaborate.

Remember that health kick you've been thinking about starting ever since you ate all that candy the night of Halloween? Well it might not be such a good idea. Think about it, you're body depends on certain nutrients in order to function. But instead of those "essential nutrients" you've been giving your body a steady diet to funyuns and buffalo wings for so long that you have passed the point of no return. If you even ate one leaf of spinach you'd probably hospitalize yourself for a week. Don't risk it. Instead of trying Whole 30 why not try eating a whole 30 inch pizza by yourself. Again.

Thinking of drinking less? Fat chance, Keith. If the cumulative hangover doesn't kill you, the night you decide to go back to drinking and end up drinking A LOT to make up for lost time, will. Listen, at this point in your life, your body is like a engine that needs gasoline to survive. Except instead of gasoline, your body needs at least two vodka sodas a day or you will emotionally implode. What, your doctor is telling you to drink less out of concern for your liver? Is he saying things like, "Keith, you're not in college anymore."? Don't listen to that nark. As Dr. William Nelson M.D. so eloquently put it, "There are more old drunks that there are old doctors, so I guess we better have another round". Do as Dr. Nelson says.

Thinking about joining a gym? ARE YOU MENTAL? Do you want to have a heart attack? Geez Keith, with the way you eat and drink I'd be surprised if you're heart rate could climb over 120 bpm before you pass out. A pilates class? I think we call all agree that leaning forward while laying on the couch to grab the TV remote, your beer, and nachos is practically pilates (note: I'm not entirely sure what pilates is). Weight training? What's the point of being able to dead lift a car when a case of beer only weighs 34 lbs? Muscle soreness sounds like a real drag too. How can working out be good for you if every time you've tried to start gym regiment you can hardly move the next day. Sounds questionable to me.

Take my advice, the only resolution you need is to dedicate yourself to not changing a single thing, that way there is no chance of failure. Besides, I like you just the way you are Keith.

Stay safe out there, and happy New Year.

--

Charles R Mercer

Life Coach

Swallowtail Butterfly

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features the Swallowtail Butterfly.

That's right, STCKYFers, we're talking about killer butterflies. Be afraid, be very afraid. Native to Asia and (of course) Australia, this invasive pest has begin to spread around the world, making landfall in the Caribbean and Central America. They grow to anywhere between 3 and 4 inches, so, you know, butterfly size. Like the very hungry caterpillar, they hatch from eggs, eat as much as they can and then form a cocoon. Come to think of it... that's exactly like the very hungry caterpillar. I have a feeling someone is going to get sued for copyright infringement.

Anyway, once God (not science) has changed these curious creatures into butterflies, they go right back to eating. And eating. And eating. The Swallowtail Butterfly reproduces in large numbers up to 8 times every year. That kind of exponential growth paired with their voracious appetites means they need tons of food. Swallowtail Butterflies will swarm like locusts, devouring everything in sight. These biker gangs of the sky are famous for stripping citrus farms of all foliage.

When the plants have been eaten and Mikey the butterfly is still hungry (because Mikey is always hungry), they have to find a new food source. Sometimes that means people. On a small Malaysian island hundreds have been injured and 40 people have been killed by these winged monsters. They swarm like demons while they take little butterfly sized bites. And like piranhas, they kill. A truly gruesome way to go.

Are you ready for the #spooky part? This happens every 21 years. Like clock work. If I had to guess, based on their exponential population growth, I'm theorizing that these butterflies have population booms when the ecosystem has recovered from their last outbreak. This just so happens to be a 21 year cycle. Science nerds think this might have been caused by the Chernobyl incident but that is just silly. For starters, I checked the map that Miss South Carolina Teen Lauren Katlin gave me (she's a big supporter of the column) and Malaysia and Ukraine are nowhere near each other. I'm also not sure where those places are in reference to America and the Iraq because I couldn't find them. Second, we all know that Chernobyl is a government conspiracy created by leftist snowflakes who don't like the idea of nuclear power. There, I said it.

These Winged Jeffrey Dahmers are not messing around. They are capable of anything and will do anything they please (probably because they are literal demons). And when I say they can do absolutely anything, I mean it. Look, I'm not saying that the Swallowtail Butterfly is responsible for the Malaysian Airline plane that went missing... but I'm not not saying that either.

Stay safe out there.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Lepidopterologist

Cone Snail

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features the Cone Snail.

Also known as the Assassin of the Sea, the cone snail is one thing you do not want to mess with. It packs a devastating punch relative to its size. Much like the funnel Web spider that we learned about last week, the cone snail is also a fast killer. Nicknamed the "cigarette snail", the victim only has enough time to smoke a cigarette (preferably a cowboy killer) before they assume room temperature (die). Their venom causes intense localized pain, swelling, numbness, vomiting, paralysis, changes in vision, and worst of all respiratory failure.

So what makes the Assassin of the Sea so dangerous to humans? Well, they are dangerous quite simply because they are beautiful. People at the beach have picked up live cone snails thinking it was a harmless uninhabited shell to only find out that a true cold blooded killer was inside. As fate would have it, the most sought after cone snail shell happens to be from the deadliest species of cone snail in the world, the Geographic Cone Snail. This species grows to 4-6 inches in length and indigenous to the Indo-Pacific. After getting stung by a geographic cone snail, it is vital to receive an anti-venom injection as quickly as possible... oh wait... THERE IS NO ANTI-VENOM! The complexity of the venom has prevented an effective anti-venom from being developed. All medical personnel can do is to try and keep you alive until the toxin wears off or you venture down to Davy Jones' Locker.

Isolated compounds from the cone snail's venom have been used to create Zicontide, a pain reliever 10,000 times more powerful than morphine. I think that shows the power of the cone snail's sting. I also hope that this pain medicine is used to treat patients who have been stung by a cone snail, kinda poetic if you ask me.

If you ever travel to a tropical climate, there are cone snails in the water. Guaranteed. Don't pick them up, don't approach them, and just to be extra safe you probably shouldn't even look at them.

Stay safe out there.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Oceanographer

Funnel Web Spider

This week we travel back to the country/continent to learn about the deadliest spider on Earth. That's right STCKYF fans, we're going back to our roots, Australia.

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features the Funnel Web Spider.

The funnel web spider is named for, you guessed it, the shape of its web. Kind of a lame name if you ask me (which by reading this column you did in fact as me). I think a more appropriate name would be the Angel of Death Spider, the Lucifer Spider, or the Kill You and Steal Your Soul From Your Cold Dead Hands Spider (that last one might be a tad long). Whatever you call it, this little shit doesn't need it to be Friday to kill you. (see what I did there?)

Sorry Peter Parker, but a bite from these eight legged terrors won't give you super powers. In fact, it will do the exact opposite. After getting bitten, you have 15 minutes to live. 15! That's not even long enough to go rewatch you favorite episode of New Girl before you kick the bucket. If right before you were bitten you had ordered a Domino's pizza, because you were starving and they guarantee delivery in 30 minutes or less, you'll never see that pizza.

Most attacks are carried out by "wandering males" who set out in the warmer months in search of a female to, as Shakespeare would say, make the beast with 16 legs. They don't like the sun so, like snakes, they hide in cool places during the day like under rocks, in your home, in your shoes, even under your pillow.... (I don't think that last one has ever happened). And the males are BIG. Calm down Ron Weasley. They're not giant magical talking spiders that live in the dark forest kind of big. They only grow to about two inches, but for a spider, I'd call that large. 

The venom from the funnel web spider, though it is incredibly potent, has evolved very specifically. If a cat or a dog were bitten by a funnel web spider, the toxins would be neutralized within half an hour. That's because a funnel web spider's venom is only deadly to invertebrates and primates (according to the science nerds, we are in one of those categories). According to science, the venom acts as an "ion channel inhibitor" which is apparently bad for monkeys. As you probably guessed, primates are not the natural prey of the funnel web spider. They prefer to eat other insects. Primates just happen to have ion channels (whatever those are) that are susceptible to this type of venom.

So what's so great about this venom? Well, the venom causes a constant firing of the nervous system which leads to muscle spasms, hypertension, elevated heart rate, and respiratory distress. Not a good way to go. And again, not only will the effects start and escalate quickly to the point that you're pushing up the daisies within 15 minutes, but that pizza you ordered will get cold. No one wants that.

Stay safe out there.

--
Charles R Mercer

Amateur Arachnologist

Assassin Bug

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features the Assassin bug.

There are over 6600 species of assassin bugs that live all across the globe except for Antarctica and Australia. I know, I know, I know. How can a deadly animal NOT live in Australia? My guess is that in reality they DO live there, they've just killed everyone who has ever seen one (you'll see how preposterous this theory is once you read a little further). They tend to feed on other insects like cockroaches, bedbugs, ants, millipedes, etc. Not a big deal (literally). It's kind of nice actually, they kill pests so we don't have to. They kill by injecting their prey with a lethal saliva that liquefies their insides. (Note: it is extremely challenging to survive when your insides are liquefied). Then the Assassin eats its fill and moves on. Insects get eaten, people don't... a happy ending, right?

WRONG! The Assassin bug (which has ass in its name twice, so you know its a real jerk) can kill people. Species that are native to only Central and South America have earned the nickname "the kissing bug" because they like to bite people in the soft tissue around the mouth. The bite itself isn't inherently dangerous unless the bug is carrying trypanosomal Chagas disease. What's that? You've never heard of this disease? To be honest, neither had I. Let me fix that for the both of us...

After the initial bite, the person will have a mild fever, swollen lymph nodes, headaches and swelling where they were bitten. After 8-12 weeks patients enter the chronic stage where their nervous system, digestive system and heart are affected. These issues will get worse and worse over the course of, on average, 10 to 30 years. That's right these sneaky killers (sneaky like Pearl harbor) want to kill you slowly. Very, very, very slowly. Basically, the cells of whatever tissue is affected by the bite are killed and the loss of cells will destroy your health over time.

With the help of medication, you can try and stall the grim reaper. But, once you have been bitten, you're pretty much marked for life. Man, this has been a really cheerful edition of STCKYF, but hey, it beats being mauled by a grizzly bear.

Stay safe out there.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Insectologist