Funnel Web Spider

This week we travel back to the country/continent to learn about the deadliest spider on Earth. That's right STCKYF fans, we're going back to our roots, Australia.

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features the Funnel Web Spider.

The funnel web spider is named for, you guessed it, the shape of its web. Kind of a lame name if you ask me (which by reading this column you did in fact as me). I think a more appropriate name would be the Angel of Death Spider, the Lucifer Spider, or the Kill You and Steal Your Soul From Your Cold Dead Hands Spider (that last one might be a tad long). Whatever you call it, this little shit doesn't need it to be Friday to kill you. (see what I did there?)

Sorry Peter Parker, but a bite from these eight legged terrors won't give you super powers. In fact, it will do the exact opposite. After getting bitten, you have 15 minutes to live. 15! That's not even long enough to go rewatch you favorite episode of New Girl before you kick the bucket. If right before you were bitten you had ordered a Domino's pizza, because you were starving and they guarantee delivery in 30 minutes or less, you'll never see that pizza.

Most attacks are carried out by "wandering males" who set out in the warmer months in search of a female to, as Shakespeare would say, make the beast with 16 legs. They don't like the sun so, like snakes, they hide in cool places during the day like under rocks, in your home, in your shoes, even under your pillow.... (I don't think that last one has ever happened). And the males are BIG. Calm down Ron Weasley. They're not giant magical talking spiders that live in the dark forest kind of big. They only grow to about two inches, but for a spider, I'd call that large. 

The venom from the funnel web spider, though it is incredibly potent, has evolved very specifically. If a cat or a dog were bitten by a funnel web spider, the toxins would be neutralized within half an hour. That's because a funnel web spider's venom is only deadly to invertebrates and primates (according to the science nerds, we are in one of those categories). According to science, the venom acts as an "ion channel inhibitor" which is apparently bad for monkeys. As you probably guessed, primates are not the natural prey of the funnel web spider. They prefer to eat other insects. Primates just happen to have ion channels (whatever those are) that are susceptible to this type of venom.

So what's so great about this venom? Well, the venom causes a constant firing of the nervous system which leads to muscle spasms, hypertension, elevated heart rate, and respiratory distress. Not a good way to go. And again, not only will the effects start and escalate quickly to the point that you're pushing up the daisies within 15 minutes, but that pizza you ordered will get cold. No one wants that.

Stay safe out there.

--
Charles R Mercer

Amateur Arachnologist