White Snakeroot

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features White Snakeroot.

Never heard of it? Well that's why you have me. White Snakeroot is a plant, and it also just happens to be the first plant to ever grace the electronic pages of STCKYF. Sources tell me that the band Whitesnake thought about naming itself White Snakeroot, but thought it would be unwise to tempt the grim reaper like that. Smart move on their part. The plant is naturally found in every state east of Colorado, so be extra careful the next time you are foraging for food. If you see a plant about 4 to 5 feet tall with small white blooms, DON'T eat it.

White Snakeroot is best known for killing Nancy Hanks whose greatest achievement was birthing Abraham Lincoln. Mama Lincoln didn't eat some random berries, or make a tea out of some arbitrary plant she happened upon. You see, Ol Nance suffered from "milk poisoning". Apparently, cows are immune to White Snakeroot, they can eat it without a care in the world (mostly due to the fact that they are cows who by nature have very few, if any, cares). Having eaten the White Snakeroot, the cow can pass the toxins in a concentrated form (thanks cows!) to humans via their meat or milk. Nancy drank toxin laced milk and that would spell the end for Ol Nance. Nancy Hanks should have seen this unfortunate event coming her way though, because if I learned one thing in school, its that it always happens to Nancy.

So what happens when you ingest White Snakeroot? I have to admit it has some unique symptoms. Loss of appetite, nausea, weakness, abdominal discomfort (all fairly standard), reddened tongue, abnormal acidity of the blood (not so standard), and of course, death. For starters, your tongue is already reddish, I probably wouldn't notice if it got more red. Now to address the "abnormal blood acidity". I contacted STCKYF's resident medical expert and potential stalker of yours truly... Dr. Doogie Howser (I'm serious you guys, he writes sooo much fan mail, and they're all hand written! Who has time for that anymore? If he starts using letters cut out of magazines I won't be surprised). Dr. Howser informed me that increased blood acidity, or "acidosis" as those witch crafting scientists would call it, happens when the body ceases to be as efficient at, or can no longer, remove acid from the blood. This allows acid from natural body functions to build up, which is not good. small changes to blood pH can have life threatening effects. Blood usually has a pH of 7.4, but a change of .05 can be deadly. Big thanks to NPH for the insight.

From everything I've read, White Snakeroot is not a glorious way to kick the bucket. But maybe we should be thanking White Snakeroot. Think about it. Without it, would Abraham Lincoln have become president? Would Whitesnake have written the rock power ballad Here I Go Again? Would UCF have won a national championship? Would NPH constantly badger me with memes and invitations to "be best friends"? Would we even have Shit That Can Kill You Friday's? Probably not, so thank you White Snakeroot.

Stay safe out there.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Botanist

Inland Taipan

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features the Inland Taipan.

The Inland Taipan, a.k.a. the western taipan, the small-scaled snake, and the fierce snake. Lots of names for a cold blooded killer (literally). The Inland Taipan lives in... Australia! The eternal home of everything capable of killing (and the spiritual home of STCKYF). It grows to approximately 6 feet in length and is brown in color during the winter and brownish light-green in color during the summer. The color change allows the snake to absorb more light in the colder months, an important asset for a creature that cannot create its own body heat.

The first writing about the Inland Taipan was written by Frederick McCoy in 1879. That's right STCKYFers, McCoy!!!!!!!! When he wasn't busy wrangling snooch and swigging hootch (shouts to the 5:5 chill to pull ratio) he was exploring the world, sowing his wild oats, and discovering deadly species. Rumor has it, McCoy was once bit by the Inland Taipan and after several days of agonizing pain, the snake died.

This S.O.B. is the most venomous snake in the world (which is why it lives in Australia). An important clarification is that even though it is the most venomous snake in the world, it is not the most deadly. When it bites, it does not even inject the most venom into its prey (a title that I believe belongs to the Eastern Diamondback Rattlesnake, a previous STCKYF topic). It is the most venomous because its venom is the most potent. The inland taipan's venom has evolved to specifically kill mammals and is potent enough that one bite can kill 100 fully grown men. Though it is a natural born killer, the inland taipan is a very shy creature (probably because it is afraid of running into McCoy). It would much rather run from a fight, but if it must fight, you can bet your bacon its going to win. 

So what makes the world's most venomous snake so deadly? Well, their venom is a serious cocktail of literally everything. It has neurotoxins (affects the nervous system), hemotoxins (affects the blood), myotoxins (affects the muscles), nephrotoxins (affects the kidneys), haemorrhagins (affects blood vessels), and hyaluronidase which increases the rate the human body absorbs the venom. Once bitten, the victim will experience nausea, vomiting, abdominal pain, diarrhea, collapse, convulsions, renal failure, neurotoxicity, and rhabdomyolysis which is a condition where your muscles and bones break down rapidly. Basically, the venom goes after pretty much your entire body. All of these symptoms result in a fatality within 30-45 minutes. Not only is the inland taipan incredibly efficient at striking and envenomating its victim, but its venom increases the body's absorption rate.

"Charles! What can I do to avoid being murdered by the inland taipan?!" Well, In America, making noise in the wilderness can be your best bet to scare off potential threats. You know what I mean, like how we all hit sticks together before we go to sleep on a camping trip to ward off mountain lions. In Australia this practice is not always advisable. Making loud noises and vibrations only make the taipan mad and more likely to strike. Like an old man who just wants the neighborhood kids to stay off his lawn, the taipan just wants to be left alone. It appreciates silence more than librarians. They appreciate silence so much that running into one of these guys in the wild is rare... though that could be because the people that run into them are never seen again... I'm just sayin.

My advise, tread lightly and carry a big stick avoid Australia.

Stay safe out there. 

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Herpetologist

American Bison

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features the American Bison.

Now, science claims that calling the American Bison by the term "American Buffalo" is incorrect, but this is STCKYF. And we don't take too kindly to science nerds... we stuff them into lockers and take their lunch money. So there.

You're going to wish the pioneers had finished the buffalo off when they had the chance because these mammoths are dangerous. Though their population took a major hit in the 19th century, their numbers are starting to recover thanks to the national parks they call home (Thanks Obama).

When visiting a national park, your highest chance of death lies in the hands of the American Bison. Not bears, wolves, falling rocks, dehydration, waiting in lines, boredom, sharks, choking on trail mix, getting lost, old age, or even gangs of wild dogs that are taking over major cities. The American Bison seems slow and lethargic but that is just an act to convince you that they are harmless. Once they lure you in close there is no escape, believe me. The buffalo is faster than you, seriously. How fast is Usain bolt? During his best 100m race, he peaked at 27.8 mph. How fast can a 2200 lb bison run? 40 mph. Which, for those of you keeping score at home, is faster than Usian Bolt. Listen Craig, you're not Usain Bolt. There is no way in hell you out run a Bison.

Though the Bison could just trample anything in its path, God gave it horns that can grow up to 2 ft long, because, I guess they needed a leg up, or something. And, they're not afraid to use them. large beast plus horns means broken bones and stab wounds. I've consulted with Dr. Doogie Howser (an avid reader of the column who barrages me every week with his fan mail) and broken bones paired with puncture wounds equals a very bad afternoon, nay, a terrible afternoon.

So, we know that the Bison has the hardware to kill you, but what makes them WANT to kill you? Well, that answer can be deduced from their other hardware. That's right Craig, we're talking about the birds and the bees (Bison and the bees?). When a daddy bison sees a future mommy bison that he loves very very much, he gets very protective and wants to fight anything that gets in the way of making a baby bison. This means they will not only fight other daddy bisons (which I bet is fantastic to watch), they will also fight you because they think you might want to make a baby minotaur with their future mommy bison.

Alright Craig, I'm sure you're still going to visit national parks because its a requirement for your environmental studies "degree". Just don't try to befriend the wildlife... especially the ones that can kill you.

Note to Craig: Please print out the handy Buffalo Warning sign seen below and place it where it can be clearly seen. You just might save someones life.

Stay safe out there.

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Charles R Mercer

Amateur Mammalogist

Wolverine

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features the Wolverine.

Wolverines are the largest member of the weasel family topping the scales at 55 lbs, the same size as a medium sized dog. They are usually scavengers, eating what is left behind by other predators such as the grey wolf (a topic we previously examined). However, they are quite capable of doing the killing themselves. What do they eat? Well they'll eat whatever they can catch, whether it's a porcupine, beaver, rabbit, mice, gophers, etc. Small game for a small creature.

Wolverines are best known for their great hatred of communism. Making their home in the mountains of Colorado, a small band of wolverines take on the invading Russian army in the name of Rock, Flag and Eagle! Out manned and out gunned, the wolverines fight fiercely... Wait... sorry I got confused. That was actually the plot of the 1984 film Red Dawn (RIP Swayze) and not about actual wolverines. And though their feeling about communism have never been confirmed, Wolverines probably do not care for it.

Well, like Swayze and the rest of his rag tag gang of pissed off teenagers, the wolverine is known for taking on foes that are much bigger than itself. Things like a caribou, mule deer, sheep, cattle, bison, moose, and elk. I'll wait a moment so you can re-read that list.......... did you read it again? Good. I just wanted to make sure that you saw that these WEASELS can kill a MOOSE and a BISON. 50 pound weasel. 1500 pound moose. 1400 pound bison. AND THE WEASEL IS WINNING! If I hadn't said it, I wouldn't believe it either, but I did say it, so you know its true.

When wolverines attack, they tear their prey apart using retractable adamantium claws. And as the wolverine kills without emotion, his enemies are terrified by the wolverine's long thick side burns and the dead look in his eye only people who have lost someone special possess. Damn it! I did it again! Sorry STCKYFers, I got confused by a different wolverine, this time it was Hugh Jackman.

Wolverines live in northern boreal forests and alpine tundra, a.k.a. they live where its really cold pretty much all the time. The only American territory they occupy is in Alaska (where they can keep an eye on those pesky Russians from their house). With the subzero winter temperatures, survival is difficult and so is finding food. Wolverines adapted to scavenging because eating a bear's leftovers is better than starving to death. An animal that changes its eating habits like this in order to survive is willing to eat just about anything, i.e. you.

Even after the holiday season, you are still much smaller than a 1400 pound bison. My advice, do not venture into their habitat. First of all, these guys have no fear and will not hesitate to attack you if they're hungry. Second, if you're in their habitat, chances are you're in Canada... and that just might be the worst thing of all.

Stay safe out there.

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Charles R Mercer

Amateur Zoologist