American Bison

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features the American Bison.

Now, science claims that calling the American Bison by the term "American Buffalo" is incorrect, but this is STCKYF. And we don't take too kindly to science nerds... we stuff them into lockers and take their lunch money. So there.

You're going to wish the pioneers had finished the buffalo off when they had the chance because these mammoths are dangerous. Though their population took a major hit in the 19th century, their numbers are starting to recover thanks to the national parks they call home (Thanks Obama).

When visiting a national park, your highest chance of death lies in the hands of the American Bison. Not bears, wolves, falling rocks, dehydration, waiting in lines, boredom, sharks, choking on trail mix, getting lost, old age, or even gangs of wild dogs that are taking over major cities. The American Bison seems slow and lethargic but that is just an act to convince you that they are harmless. Once they lure you in close there is no escape, believe me. The buffalo is faster than you, seriously. How fast is Usain bolt? During his best 100m race, he peaked at 27.8 mph. How fast can a 2200 lb bison run? 40 mph. Which, for those of you keeping score at home, is faster than Usian Bolt. Listen Craig, you're not Usain Bolt. There is no way in hell you out run a Bison.

Though the Bison could just trample anything in its path, God gave it horns that can grow up to 2 ft long, because, I guess they needed a leg up, or something. And, they're not afraid to use them. large beast plus horns means broken bones and stab wounds. I've consulted with Dr. Doogie Howser (an avid reader of the column who barrages me every week with his fan mail) and broken bones paired with puncture wounds equals a very bad afternoon, nay, a terrible afternoon.

So, we know that the Bison has the hardware to kill you, but what makes them WANT to kill you? Well, that answer can be deduced from their other hardware. That's right Craig, we're talking about the birds and the bees (Bison and the bees?). When a daddy bison sees a future mommy bison that he loves very very much, he gets very protective and wants to fight anything that gets in the way of making a baby bison. This means they will not only fight other daddy bisons (which I bet is fantastic to watch), they will also fight you because they think you might want to make a baby minotaur with their future mommy bison.

Alright Craig, I'm sure you're still going to visit national parks because its a requirement for your environmental studies "degree". Just don't try to befriend the wildlife... especially the ones that can kill you.

Note to Craig: Please print out the handy Buffalo Warning sign seen below and place it where it can be clearly seen. You just might save someones life.

Stay safe out there.

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Charles R Mercer

Amateur Mammalogist