Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You
Friday's!
This week STCKYF features the Wolverine.
Wolverines are the largest member of the weasel family
topping the scales at 55 lbs, the same size as a medium sized dog. They are
usually scavengers, eating what is left behind by other predators such as the
grey wolf (a topic we previously examined). However, they are quite capable of
doing the killing themselves. What do they eat? Well they'll eat whatever they
can catch, whether it's a porcupine, beaver, rabbit, mice, gophers, etc. Small
game for a small creature.
Wolverines are best known for their great hatred of
communism. Making their home in the mountains of Colorado, a small band of
wolverines take on the invading Russian army in the name of Rock, Flag and
Eagle! Out manned and out gunned, the wolverines fight fiercely... Wait...
sorry I got confused. That was actually the plot of the 1984 film Red
Dawn (RIP Swayze) and not about actual wolverines. And though their feeling
about communism have never been confirmed, Wolverines probably do not care for
it.
Well, like Swayze and the rest of his rag tag gang of pissed
off teenagers, the wolverine is known for taking on foes that are much bigger
than itself. Things like a caribou, mule deer, sheep, cattle, bison, moose, and
elk. I'll wait a moment so you can re-read that list.......... did you read it
again? Good. I just wanted to make sure that you saw that these WEASELS can
kill a MOOSE and a BISON. 50 pound weasel. 1500 pound moose. 1400 pound
bison. AND THE WEASEL IS WINNING! If I hadn't said it, I wouldn't believe it either,
but I did say it, so you know its true.
When wolverines attack, they tear their prey apart using
retractable adamantium claws. And as the wolverine kills without emotion, his
enemies are terrified by the wolverine's long thick side burns and the
dead look in his eye only people who have lost someone special possess. Damn
it! I did it again! Sorry STCKYFers, I got confused by a different wolverine,
this time it was Hugh Jackman.
Wolverines live in northern boreal forests and alpine
tundra, a.k.a. they live where its really cold pretty much all the time. The
only American territory they occupy is in Alaska (where they can keep an eye on
those pesky Russians from their house). With the subzero winter temperatures,
survival is difficult and so is finding food. Wolverines adapted to scavenging
because eating a bear's leftovers is better than starving to death. An animal
that changes its eating habits like this in order to survive is willing to eat
just about anything, i.e. you.
Even after the holiday season, you are still much smaller
than a 1400 pound bison. My advice, do not venture into their habitat. First of
all, these guys have no fear and will not hesitate to attack you if they're
hungry. Second, if you're in their habitat, chances are you're in Canada... and
that just might be the worst thing of all.
Stay safe out there.
--
Charles
R Mercer
Amateur Zoologist
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