American Alligator

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays! 

This week STCKYF features the American Alligator.

I know, I know, I know. This one seems obvious. Of course an alligator can kill you... it's an alligator. Alligators are big, scaly, prehistoric looking beasts that inhabit the everglades and golf courses. Adult males can grow (on average) to 15 feet in length and weigh up to 1,000 lbs. That's much larger than you. I mean come on Roger, it's called bulk season for a reason... at least try for some #gainz. Even though they seem slow and lethargic, alligators have speed when it counts. They are capable of quick body movements; they typically use their tails as weapons to knock their prey off balance so they can use their jaws... also as weapons. Alligators are able to sprint short distances at a speed of up to 25 mph, depending on their size (adult gators can only sprint around 10 mph).

Now, lets talk about those mighty jaws. The muscle groups used to open the alligators jaws are actually very weak. That's why Steve Irwin (RIP) was able to hold an alligator's jaw shut with his hands or just a few wraps of electrical tape. The muscles that slam those jaws shut, however, are an entirely different story. An adult gator is capable of producing a bite force of 2,125 lbs per square inch. And going back to the official STCKYF jaw strength metric... yes, an alligator could 100% crush a bowling ball with its mouth. Its bite is so strong it has led researchers to come up with some interesting comparisons.

"Picture the jaws of a 12-foot alligator clamping down on its prey. Now think of the jolt one would feel by tying a rope to a small pickup truck and trying to hold on [to the rope] after dropping [the truck] from the roof of a tall building. Research has discovered that the strength of the alligator's bite, and the jolt one would feel when the truck reached the end of its rope are nearly identical."

Granted, this research came from Florida State University where they rely on divination from hallucinogens. I would have preferred to see these facts come from the University of Florida, a.k.a. America's foremost Gator experts. After an alligator bites, they use a maneuver called a "death roll". Yeah, you know it's never a good sign when death is in the name. Because alligators cannot take bites of their prey in the same way a hyena would, they rely on the death roll to perform this same task. After clamping down with its powerful jaws, the alligator begins to spin its body along its longitudinal axis to, literally, tear its prey limb from limb. 

Think you can avoid these large modern age dinosaurs? Think again, Roger. Just ask James Wiencek, an Ohioan whose arm was, shall we say, involuntarily removed by a Fripp Island alligator. The alligator was not even fully grown. After it was caught, the alligator was only measured to be 10.5 feet and 400 lbs. Due to the development of the alligator's natural habitat, interaction between humans and gators was inevitable. These days, most of the alligators we see at our favorite seaside getaways are used to being around humans. This is not good. The last thing humans need are thousand pound cold blooded killers (literally) comfortable around humans. That's how incidents like James Wiencek's happen.

In the past I've pointed out examples of big dumb idiots who ignore prudent warnings like mine, and intentionally interact with shit that can kill them (like people who keep deathstalker scorpions as pets). So, if you want to ignore me this week and mess with STCKY, then look no further than the FAWC. That's right, Roger, the Freestyle Alligator Wrestling Competitions (fawcomp.com). According to the FAWC website, their next event is in 2016... so maybe not as lucrative of a business venture as they thought (they just couldn't compete with Spartan Races or Elise's Winter Beerlympics). But still, organizations like this one exist, and they're probably all sponsored by PBR. If you're an adrenaline junkie looking for a new life skill, I highly recommend FAWC (but seriously, Roger, don't do that).

Stay safe out there.

BONUS PIC!!!

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Charles R Mercer

Amateur Crocodile Hunter

Scorpionfish

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features the California Scorpionfish.

That's right, Shitheads (its a name I'm work shopping for you guys). We're back to the eternal hellhole that is California. Home to deadly animals, earthquakes and the descendants of prospectors. Two weeks ago we saw how the California Newt terrorizes its home state with toxins hundreds of times more potent than cyanide. Well, to make the place even worse, adding metaphorical gasoline to the fire (which is a waste of gas with their ridiculous gas tax) its also the natural home to the Scorpionfish.

The California Scorpionfish grows to about 43-47 centimeters in length, which is roughly 17 inches in English. They love shallower waters and hanging around rocks. It enjoys long swims (roughly 2 km/day), eating sushi (aka other fish), and polygamy (insert Kool-aid man "Ohhh Yeahhh!" HERE).

Their love for shallow water puts them in proximity to humans. Swimmers don't seem to have a lot to worry about because from all of my research, the scorpionfish seems to not bother them. Fishermen however better look out. The Scorpionfish loves to take the bait of fishermen, probably on purpose, so they can carry out revenge against those who invade their home with medal hooks. When its pulled out of the water, the fish panics (which is probably not surprising because fish prefer water) and they flair the spines of their fins and gill covers. Not only do these spines make the fish hard to handle but they are also very sharp and laced with venom. Survivors say that a sting from a Scorpionfish is like the bite of a rattlesnake (I feel really bad for whoever was stung by a Scorpionfish AND got bitten by a rattlesnake in order to make such a comparison).

Imagine being a fisherman whose just pulled one of these fish out of the water. You don't know that this fish is dangerous because your a commercial fisherman and not a marine biologist (aka science dork, so lucky you). A single prick of the finger from one of the Scorpionfish's many spines causes severe throbbing pain. The affected digit becomes swollen and hard, then hot and red, then numb. This sequence then travels up the arm followed by nausea, faintness and fluctuating blood pressure. On the nastier side of things the venom also causes difficulty breathing, shock (due to the cardiotoxic nature of the venom), seizures, and paralysis.

We've all heard the saying "even a bad day fishing is better than any day at the office". I'd like to counter that. Even if you've spent the day in endless meeting getting chewed out by your superiors and corporate wondering if you might get fired, at least you didn't get hospitalized by a fish. Especially when the California hospital will probably just give you some weed and point you to the nearest locally sourced organic cafe.

Stay safe out there.

 

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Charles R Mercer

Amateur Oceanographer

Spotted Hyena

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features the Spotted Hyena.

The Spotted Hyena is basically the hippie of Africa. Not because it doesn't shower and gets high all the time. Its because the hyena is known for making the most efficient use of animal matter. By "most efficient use" I of course mean that they eat everything. (Not being wasteful = saving the planet). All scavengers eat the parts of the animal that the original predator did not, but they might not eat every part of the leftovers. The hyena will. Now, the brown and stripped hyenas are pure scavengers, but the spotted hyena is a predator. This is likely do to the fact that the spotted hyena is the largest of species (90-120 lbs). Scavenging the remains of another animal's meal was not enough to fuel the hyena so it can do hyena stuff. Even though it does not scavenge, the spotted hyena can still eat like a scavenger. Not only can it eat anything, it can digest anything organic that it eats (including bone). When a cackle of hyenas chow down, there is very little left behind. Even though its the hippie of Africa, you won't see it chowing down on kale, rice, beats, or sand (or whatever hippies eat). They eat real food like Zebra, Thompson's Gazelle, Cape Buffalo, Willdebeest, and Topi.

To eat bone you have to have an impressive set of pearly whites. The spotted hyena has an impressive 1140 psi bite force. Almost as powerful as the grizzly bear (1160 psi) and not nearly as powerful as the grey wolf (1500 psi). However, The hyena is larger than a wolf and has a skeletal layout similar to a bear so it might be the most capable of killing. Ok. We're all thinking it. Can a spotted hyena crush a bowling ball with its jaws? If you recall, pagan scientists estimated that a grizzly bear could. A grizzly bear's bite only has a 20 psi edge on the hyena, so theoretically, a hyena has the capability of crushing a bowling ball with its jaws. However, I don't believe a hyena actually could do so because it is smaller than a bear. Like, a lot smaller.

So what do people think of the spotted hyena? Glad you asked. In Africa, they are seen as the embodiment of physical power, excessivity, ugliness, stupidity and sacredness. Two of those are not like the others. They are seen as dirty, immoral, and bad muslims. Yes, you read that correctly. They are bad muslims. These ugly, stupid, immoral beasts don't take too kindly to their reputation among people and are known to retaliate from time to time. Hyenas are known to follow people at night. Such stalking sometimes results in vicious attacks. A particularly pissed off pair of predators attacked and killed 27 people in Malawi in 1962. Hyenas, as we discussed earlier, will eat anything. That includes people. 

Lets get Weird. There is are two tribes, the Massai and Hadza, who leave the corpses of the diseased outside the village for the Hyenas to eat. If the Hyenas do not eat the body it brings shame on the rest of the family. So it is common for corpses to be covered in animal fat and blood so attract the hyenas. And even if the hyenas are not near these villages, there are usually plenty of bodies around for the hyenas thanks to the war torn nature of Africa. I told you it was weird. So hyenas have a taste for people. Great.

Thank your lucky stars you do not live in Africa because if you're like me, that last paragraph made you slightly nauseated. But its ok, because "its Africa, and no body cares about Africa."

Stay safe out there.

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Charles R Mercer

Amateur Safari Enthusiast

California Newt

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features the California Newt.

We all know that California is one of the worst states in the union thanks to high taxes and Birkenstocks. But did you know it is home to a deadly newt? That's right, a newt. A small, slippery, dead eyed amphibian. "Hey Charles, how does that newt kill things? With razor sharp claws? With endless rows of teeth? With its horns?". Seriously? Do you even know what a newt is? I mean come on, it literally has none of those things. The California Newt is equipped with a extremely potent toxin, and it is not afraid to use it.

The California Newt secretes a potent neurotoxin out of glands in its skin, meaning it poisons via direct contact. The newt is not constantly pumping the toxin out of its skin. The release of the toxin only happens when the newt feels threatened. Kind of like how some people sweat when they're nervous, except, you know, deadlier. The toxin in question is hundreds of times more toxic than cyanide. Coincidentally it is the same toxin found in pufferfish which was the first topic of STCKYF (which you can catch up on HERE).

The toxin is so deadly that this little newt can kill pretty much anything, except for the humble garter snake which is its most common predator. Giving the capacity for death and destruction to a newt just proves the old adage, deadly things come in small packages (you've heard people say that, right?). Voodoo scientists believe that the newt gains its toxicity by consuming bacteria that synthesize tetrodotoxin which then allows them to produce neurotoxins. Scientists also believe that artificial sweeteners are safe, WMD's were in Iraq, and Anna Nicole married for love. So you believe what you want.

The California Newt is a "California Special Concern" species meaning its population is threatened thanks to non-native species like the mosquitofish and the red swamp crayfish. But don't worry friends, the newt will soon be back on its feet going to drum circles, buying another pair of toms at a farmers market and drinking kombucha (or whatever the hell goes on in California) thanks to conservation efforts a.k.a. government safety nets for wildlife. I personally wouldn't save these newts. It's like the story of the frog and the scorpion where the scorpion kills the frog who agreed to help him because "it is his nature". These newts are killers who shouldn't be trusted (a sentence I never thought I'd say).

Stay safe out there.

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Charles R Mercer

Amateur Herpetologist