Scorpionfish

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features the California Scorpionfish.

That's right, Shitheads (its a name I'm work shopping for you guys). We're back to the eternal hellhole that is California. Home to deadly animals, earthquakes and the descendants of prospectors. Two weeks ago we saw how the California Newt terrorizes its home state with toxins hundreds of times more potent than cyanide. Well, to make the place even worse, adding metaphorical gasoline to the fire (which is a waste of gas with their ridiculous gas tax) its also the natural home to the Scorpionfish.

The California Scorpionfish grows to about 43-47 centimeters in length, which is roughly 17 inches in English. They love shallower waters and hanging around rocks. It enjoys long swims (roughly 2 km/day), eating sushi (aka other fish), and polygamy (insert Kool-aid man "Ohhh Yeahhh!" HERE).

Their love for shallow water puts them in proximity to humans. Swimmers don't seem to have a lot to worry about because from all of my research, the scorpionfish seems to not bother them. Fishermen however better look out. The Scorpionfish loves to take the bait of fishermen, probably on purpose, so they can carry out revenge against those who invade their home with medal hooks. When its pulled out of the water, the fish panics (which is probably not surprising because fish prefer water) and they flair the spines of their fins and gill covers. Not only do these spines make the fish hard to handle but they are also very sharp and laced with venom. Survivors say that a sting from a Scorpionfish is like the bite of a rattlesnake (I feel really bad for whoever was stung by a Scorpionfish AND got bitten by a rattlesnake in order to make such a comparison).

Imagine being a fisherman whose just pulled one of these fish out of the water. You don't know that this fish is dangerous because your a commercial fisherman and not a marine biologist (aka science dork, so lucky you). A single prick of the finger from one of the Scorpionfish's many spines causes severe throbbing pain. The affected digit becomes swollen and hard, then hot and red, then numb. This sequence then travels up the arm followed by nausea, faintness and fluctuating blood pressure. On the nastier side of things the venom also causes difficulty breathing, shock (due to the cardiotoxic nature of the venom), seizures, and paralysis.

We've all heard the saying "even a bad day fishing is better than any day at the office". I'd like to counter that. Even if you've spent the day in endless meeting getting chewed out by your superiors and corporate wondering if you might get fired, at least you didn't get hospitalized by a fish. Especially when the California hospital will probably just give you some weed and point you to the nearest locally sourced organic cafe.

Stay safe out there.

 

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Charles R Mercer

Amateur Oceanographer