American Alligator

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays! 

This week STCKYF features the American Alligator.

I know, I know, I know. This one seems obvious. Of course an alligator can kill you... it's an alligator. Alligators are big, scaly, prehistoric looking beasts that inhabit the everglades and golf courses. Adult males can grow (on average) to 15 feet in length and weigh up to 1,000 lbs. That's much larger than you. I mean come on Roger, it's called bulk season for a reason... at least try for some #gainz. Even though they seem slow and lethargic, alligators have speed when it counts. They are capable of quick body movements; they typically use their tails as weapons to knock their prey off balance so they can use their jaws... also as weapons. Alligators are able to sprint short distances at a speed of up to 25 mph, depending on their size (adult gators can only sprint around 10 mph).

Now, lets talk about those mighty jaws. The muscle groups used to open the alligators jaws are actually very weak. That's why Steve Irwin (RIP) was able to hold an alligator's jaw shut with his hands or just a few wraps of electrical tape. The muscles that slam those jaws shut, however, are an entirely different story. An adult gator is capable of producing a bite force of 2,125 lbs per square inch. And going back to the official STCKYF jaw strength metric... yes, an alligator could 100% crush a bowling ball with its mouth. Its bite is so strong it has led researchers to come up with some interesting comparisons.

"Picture the jaws of a 12-foot alligator clamping down on its prey. Now think of the jolt one would feel by tying a rope to a small pickup truck and trying to hold on [to the rope] after dropping [the truck] from the roof of a tall building. Research has discovered that the strength of the alligator's bite, and the jolt one would feel when the truck reached the end of its rope are nearly identical."

Granted, this research came from Florida State University where they rely on divination from hallucinogens. I would have preferred to see these facts come from the University of Florida, a.k.a. America's foremost Gator experts. After an alligator bites, they use a maneuver called a "death roll". Yeah, you know it's never a good sign when death is in the name. Because alligators cannot take bites of their prey in the same way a hyena would, they rely on the death roll to perform this same task. After clamping down with its powerful jaws, the alligator begins to spin its body along its longitudinal axis to, literally, tear its prey limb from limb. 

Think you can avoid these large modern age dinosaurs? Think again, Roger. Just ask James Wiencek, an Ohioan whose arm was, shall we say, involuntarily removed by a Fripp Island alligator. The alligator was not even fully grown. After it was caught, the alligator was only measured to be 10.5 feet and 400 lbs. Due to the development of the alligator's natural habitat, interaction between humans and gators was inevitable. These days, most of the alligators we see at our favorite seaside getaways are used to being around humans. This is not good. The last thing humans need are thousand pound cold blooded killers (literally) comfortable around humans. That's how incidents like James Wiencek's happen.

In the past I've pointed out examples of big dumb idiots who ignore prudent warnings like mine, and intentionally interact with shit that can kill them (like people who keep deathstalker scorpions as pets). So, if you want to ignore me this week and mess with STCKY, then look no further than the FAWC. That's right, Roger, the Freestyle Alligator Wrestling Competitions (fawcomp.com). According to the FAWC website, their next event is in 2016... so maybe not as lucrative of a business venture as they thought (they just couldn't compete with Spartan Races or Elise's Winter Beerlympics). But still, organizations like this one exist, and they're probably all sponsored by PBR. If you're an adrenaline junkie looking for a new life skill, I highly recommend FAWC (but seriously, Roger, don't do that).

Stay safe out there.

BONUS PIC!!!

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Charles R Mercer

Amateur Crocodile Hunter