Spotted Hyena

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features the Spotted Hyena.

The Spotted Hyena is basically the hippie of Africa. Not because it doesn't shower and gets high all the time. Its because the hyena is known for making the most efficient use of animal matter. By "most efficient use" I of course mean that they eat everything. (Not being wasteful = saving the planet). All scavengers eat the parts of the animal that the original predator did not, but they might not eat every part of the leftovers. The hyena will. Now, the brown and stripped hyenas are pure scavengers, but the spotted hyena is a predator. This is likely do to the fact that the spotted hyena is the largest of species (90-120 lbs). Scavenging the remains of another animal's meal was not enough to fuel the hyena so it can do hyena stuff. Even though it does not scavenge, the spotted hyena can still eat like a scavenger. Not only can it eat anything, it can digest anything organic that it eats (including bone). When a cackle of hyenas chow down, there is very little left behind. Even though its the hippie of Africa, you won't see it chowing down on kale, rice, beats, or sand (or whatever hippies eat). They eat real food like Zebra, Thompson's Gazelle, Cape Buffalo, Willdebeest, and Topi.

To eat bone you have to have an impressive set of pearly whites. The spotted hyena has an impressive 1140 psi bite force. Almost as powerful as the grizzly bear (1160 psi) and not nearly as powerful as the grey wolf (1500 psi). However, The hyena is larger than a wolf and has a skeletal layout similar to a bear so it might be the most capable of killing. Ok. We're all thinking it. Can a spotted hyena crush a bowling ball with its jaws? If you recall, pagan scientists estimated that a grizzly bear could. A grizzly bear's bite only has a 20 psi edge on the hyena, so theoretically, a hyena has the capability of crushing a bowling ball with its jaws. However, I don't believe a hyena actually could do so because it is smaller than a bear. Like, a lot smaller.

So what do people think of the spotted hyena? Glad you asked. In Africa, they are seen as the embodiment of physical power, excessivity, ugliness, stupidity and sacredness. Two of those are not like the others. They are seen as dirty, immoral, and bad muslims. Yes, you read that correctly. They are bad muslims. These ugly, stupid, immoral beasts don't take too kindly to their reputation among people and are known to retaliate from time to time. Hyenas are known to follow people at night. Such stalking sometimes results in vicious attacks. A particularly pissed off pair of predators attacked and killed 27 people in Malawi in 1962. Hyenas, as we discussed earlier, will eat anything. That includes people. 

Lets get Weird. There is are two tribes, the Massai and Hadza, who leave the corpses of the diseased outside the village for the Hyenas to eat. If the Hyenas do not eat the body it brings shame on the rest of the family. So it is common for corpses to be covered in animal fat and blood so attract the hyenas. And even if the hyenas are not near these villages, there are usually plenty of bodies around for the hyenas thanks to the war torn nature of Africa. I told you it was weird. So hyenas have a taste for people. Great.

Thank your lucky stars you do not live in Africa because if you're like me, that last paragraph made you slightly nauseated. But its ok, because "its Africa, and no body cares about Africa."

Stay safe out there.

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Charles R Mercer

Amateur Safari Enthusiast