Groundhog Day 2022

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Welcome to the next SPECIAL EDITION of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!
This special edition is dedicated to Groundhog Day.

Following STCKYF's Groundhog Day breakdown last year, the STCKYF office was inundated with calls, emails, carrier pigeon messages, and the occasion smoke signal from readers who truly appreciated my unparalleled Groundhog Day insight. [note: the "occasional smoke signal" may have just been Andrew in accounts receivable who like to try and sneak a "lunch cig" at his desk.]

This year I decided to once again take up space on the interweb to dive into the fantastically American phenomenon that is rodent meteorology. This year you can expect more unquestionably accurate weather reporting, lots of ground, lots of hogs, and. . . . . murder?!?!?!

"New Jersey's prognosticating rodent Milltown Mel saw the shadow of death - just before Groundhog Day"  

       -- NY Daily News

That is a real line pulled from a real news story. I wish I could take credit for such a bad joke. The news was released Sunday, January 30th, that Milltown Mel had passed away. The New Jersey based Groundhog was new to the game, having only begun his meteorological career in 2016. According to news reports, the cause of death is not yet clear. However, Milltown, NJ posted online that curious eyes could still get their groundhog-based weather predictions by tuning in to see Milltown Mel's cousins. My only question is, who are these unnamed cousins? They surely stand to benefit from Mel's... removal. What are their credentials? Were they jealous of Mel's spotlight? Are they unionized? WAS MEL STANDING IN THEIR WAY??? I can think of no other logical conclusion other than that Milltown Mel was killed by his cousins out of jealousy for his limelight and reputation as the bad boy of Groundhog Day.

This is probably the biggest Groundhog scandal since disgraced former Mayor Bill de Blasio killed Staten Island Chuck by dropping him in 2014. Sadly, we may never know the truth. 

Now for the moment you've all been waiting for, lets meet the Hogs.

Punxsutawney Phil: Phil is the most iconic groundhog in the country. His lineage can be traced back to colonial Pennsylvania where the Groundhog Day tradition began (maybe). This year, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, bringing six more months of winter.

Milltown Mel: Having been murdered by his jealous cousins, Mel was unable to make his annual weather forecast. The people of New Jersey will probably revert back to the old ways of weather forecasting practiced before the modern scientific groundhog-based method.... pagan sacrifices. This year Milltown Mel saw the shadow of death, guaranteeing endless winter until he is avenged.

Jimmy the Groundhog: Living in the Wisconsin, a.k.a. the Groundhog Capitol of the World, Jimmy has to be at his best every February 2nd. Groundhog Capitol of the World you say? That's right, baby! Groundhogs and dairy products, THATS WHAT WISCONSIN DOES! This morning, Jimmy the Groundhog did not see his shadow, guaranteeing an early spring.

Buckeye Chuck: As a winter storms rolls in to the mid-west ,Buckeye Chuck had an even tougher job to do. The eyes of Ohio turned to their weather-controlling hog to see if he could defeat the imminent snow storm. This year Buckeye Chuck did not see his shadow, predicting an early spring, which of course, he'll be spending on the shores of South Carolina. 

Staten Island Chuck: Staten Island Chuck is the official weather-forecasting groundhog for New York City. Chuck has to watch his back when making predictions because you never know when disgraced former Mayor Bill de Blasio may turn up to try and kill you like he did to one of Chuck's predecessors (no, I will never stop reminding the world that this happened). This year Chuck did not see his shadow, predicting an early spring.

Dunkirk Dave: Residing in Dunkirk, NY, Dunkirk Dave still holds the title as the second longest weather predicting groundhog. His refusal to retire shows his real passion for the work, and that the work isn't that hard. This morning, Dunkirk Dave saw his shadow, cursing his realm with six more weeks of winter. 

Potomac Phil: Living in Washington, D.C. Potomac Phil is just another unelected D.C. bureaucrat. Phil's predictions of the political climate are not only hackneyed, they're just downright unhelpful. Predicting "gridlock" doesn't inspire unity. Once again, Potomac Phil signed an executive order for an early spring, and also predicted six more months of political gridlock. Shocker.

General Beauregard Lee: General Beauregard Lee has the tall task of predicting the weather despite what his Yankee brethren may say. In a fairly divided year among the nation's leading groundhogs, General Beauregard Lee took a stand Georgia and it's fellow Southern States. This year, General Beauregard Lee held off winter's northern aggression and calls for the coming of an early spring.

And now we wait to see who will be correct and who must repent for their false prognostications. I am very happy knowing that General Beauregard Lee is bringing an early spring. Now, it is the task of all readers to write their Congressman and demand Potomac Phil be held accountable for his endless years of political gridlock. Predicting six more weeks of winter is one thing, but predicting six more months of political gridlock? That's just not cool.

Stay Safe Out There.

Dedicated to the memory of Milltown Mel, 2016-2022.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Meteorologist

Groundhog Day

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Welcome to the next SPECIAL EDITION of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!
This special edition is dedicated to Groundhog Day.

Reader, if I asked you what day is the most magical day of the year, what would you say? Christmas? The Summer Solstice? April 25th, because its not too hot, not too cold, all you need is a light jacket? Wrong. Just wrong. The most magical day of the year is Groundhog Day. Why? Well for starters, its a day with enough magical power to trap Bill Murray in a time loop for the majority of a 100 minute movie. More importantly, it is a day where a humble relative of the squirrel determines the weather. On the iconic internet pages of STCKYF, I have written about things large and small that pose a threat to the world. Everything from the Assassin Bug to the Grizzly Bear. But even the most venomous creatures on Earth, like the Cone Snail, can't hold a candle to the meteorological marmots, the Groundhog (mostly because they don't have hands).

Think about it. When the Groundhog Day tradition began, I mean, when humans first discovered that groundhogs had magical powers, an addition six more weeks of winter could be devastating. What if your village was running low on food? What if a longer winter meant the packs of woolly mammoths would remain in the area longer, guaranteeing that you had to remain in caves to avoid the saber-toothed tigers that stalked the mammoths? (Note to reader: I'm not sure how long ago Groundhog Day began, so that second scenario isn't impossible). The relief from a harsh winter brought by an early spring would be a blessing. In modern times, Groundhog Day is less significant because it is no longer a potentially life or death situation an more determinative of where fraternities and sororities go on spring break. But that doesn't mean that the groundhogs charged with controlling the weather take it any less seriously. After all, walking out of your burrow and maybe seeing your shadow is hard work that not just any large rodent could do. So who are the groundhogs we look to for information that Science claims it can predict with far greater accuracy and detail? 

Punxsutawney Phil: Though he lives in Punxsutawney, PA, Ol' Phil has become an iconic figure for the entire country. Tens of Thousands of people attend his prediction ceremony each year. This year, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, bringing six more months of winter and darkness to the land.

Milltown Mel: Hailing from Milltown, NJ, Milltown Mel is a young groundhog who has only been predicting the weather since 2016 after the passing of the original Milltown Mel. Despite being new to the game, Mel is not afraid to disagree with Groundhog heavyweight Punxsutawney Phil. This year Milltown Mel did not see his shadow, ushering in an early spring.

Jimmy the Groundhog: Living in Sun Prairie, Wisconsin, the alleged "Groundhog Capital of the World", Jimmy is known for going viral in 2015 by biting the Mayor's ear. The next day the Mayor issued a proclamation absolving Jimmy. Assaulting a government official and then THEY apologize to YOU? That's power you can't buy. This morning, Jimmy the Groundhog did not see his shadow, guaranteeing an early spring.

Buckeye Chuck: Buckeye Chuck is the official groundhog of Ohio, and just like THE Ohio State University, no one outside the state cares. This year Buckeye Chuck did not see his shadow, predicting an early spring, and of course, no one outside the state of Ohio cares.

Staten Island Chuck: Staten Island Chuck is the official weather-forecasting groundhog for New York City. Chuck makes bold predictions and if you disagree he'll ask if you want to fight about it. Claiming an 82% accuracy rate makes Chuck a heavyweight in the mammal based weather prediction world. This year Chuck did not see his shadow, predicting an early spring.

Dunkirk Dave: Residing in Dunkirk, NY, Dunkirk Dave is the second longest weather predicting groundhog. Dave's lengthy tenure in meteorology reminds me of an old adage, you either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain. I'm not sure if that applies to groundhogs, but you can never be too careful. I have my eye on you Dunkirk Dave. This morning, Dunkirk Dave did not see his shadow, bringing an early spring to his realm. 

Potomac Phil: Living in Washington, D.C. Potomac Phil is the definition of the #Swamp. Not only does Potomac Phil predict the weather, but the political climate as well. In the past he has predicted "six more weeks of political gridlock" in 2018 and "two more years of political insanity" in 2019. Clearly, Potomac Phil has an agenda. This year, Potomac Phil signed an executive order for an early spring, and also predicted six more months of political gridlock. 

General Beauregard Lee: Residing in Butts County, Georgia, General Beauregard Lee is the only groundhog in the United States with military rank. Sources close to General Beauregard Lee refused to comment on whether or not his rank is purely honorary. This year, General Beauregard Lee foresaw a secession from winter and the coming of an early spring.

Did you notice a trend? Every groundhog predicted an early spring, except for one. The O.G. (original groundhog) Punxsutawney Phil is the only one who saw his shadow. Only time will tell who was correct, and who actually remembers to fact-check a groundhog. Accuracy statistics for these prognosticating groundhogs vary because there is not a common standard to determine what an early spring or longer winter are. I for one welcome our weather controlling overlords.

Stay Safe Out There.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Meteorologist

Dendrocnide Moroides

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!
This week STCKYF features the Dendrocnide Moroides. 

I use the formal Latin name because Latin is synonymous with hell-speak, and this thing is demonic. But what is it? A megalodon? A Godzilla? A monster from the 4th dimension hell bent on claiming human souls to use as currency in an intergalactic poker game? Calm down reader (but not too calm, because you should be very VERY afraid), you're letting your wild imagination get the better of you; its none of those things. Its actually a bush. No, not the former owner of the Texas Rangers, George W. Bush. Its a bush, like a plant.

I know what you might be thinking (because by reading this, you have implicitly consented to allowing me to read your mind. Don't worry, its basic boilerplate internet blog contract stuff), why the big fuss about a bush? Look, don't let the bush lure you into a false sense of security with its bushiness. That's bush league. It all starts with the name. Not only does this bush go by its devilish Latin name, it also has several others: the stinging bush, the moonlighter, the mulberry-leaved stinger, and Stinger The Suicide Plant. For obvious reasons the last one is the best name for a bush ever. It has "Cone snail, Assassin of the Sea" vibes to it (a previous topic of STCKYF, which you can catch up on HERE). 

So what makes this bush so special? The plant is covered in stinging hairs that deliver a dose of neurotoxin when touched. The toxins immediately cause an incredibly painful stinging sensation that can last for several hours and up to several days. Once the initial pain finally subsides, you're not out of the woods yet. The pain will reoccur for months or even years whenever the area of skin that contacted the plant is touched, exposed to water, or is subject to a temperature change... so basically all the time. The skin will becomes covered in small red dots that, over time, grow together to form a swollen red welt. Sexy.

It gets worse. When land is being cleared of its trees and other assorted plants (#Deforestation!), if a worker doesn't know to be careful with the Stinger, The Suicide Plant it might end up in a woodchipper (the plant, not the worker). You might be thinking this is a good thing, after all the woodchipper utterly destroys the Stinger The Suicide Plant in a matter of seconds. It won't be able to hurt anyone else again, right? Wrong! The wood chipper transforms the Stinger The Suicide Plant into a neurotoxic cloud which can be accidentally inhaled. Remember the hours, days, weeks, months, and possibly years of excruciating pain from touching this bush? Well now all of that is happening to your lungs and esophagus. Yay nature!

"Charles, help! how do I avoid a Stinger, The Suicide Plant and the years of anguish that are sure to follow a close encounter?" If you ever find yourself in the proximity of a Stinger, The Suicide Plant, it means you've fallen for one of the classic blunders. The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well known is this; NEVER GO TO AUSTRIALIA. Of course this plant is native to Australia, the spiritual home of STCKYF (emphasis on spiritual home, under no circumstances will Australia ever become the actual home of STCKYF). Like everything else evil and deadly the Stinger, The Suicide Plant has been locked away in Australia like the Greek Titans in Tartarus. Except instead of being pre-Olympian gods, its a bush... so just like, don't touch it. 

Stay Safe Out There. 

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Botanist

Spider-Tailed Horned Viper

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!

This week STCKYF features the Spider-Tailed Horned Viper.

On these digital pages we have covered snakes and spiders in the past, albeit separately. Each can be incredibly dangerous in their own right. Today, I must inform you that Mother Nature decided to play a cruel joke on us all and combine these two maniacal creatures into one. Well, kinda. Though its named the Spider-Tailed Horned Viper, its tail is not actually a spider. The tip of the tail has long drooping scales giving it the appearance of a spider to lure in prey. Sorry to disappoint anyone hoping for a snake-spider sort of  cat-dog situation. Even if the spider part isn't real, these real life Pokemon are not to be taken lightly. 

Native to western Iran, the Spider-Tailed Horned Viper is just one more reason to not venture into the middle east. You know, besides a war, desert climate, ISIS, scorpions, and falafel. The Spider-Tailed Horned Viper is a perfect hunter. Its coloring blends in perfectly with the gypsum and limestone rocks of the region. Their camouflage is so good, it was difficult to find a picture of the snake where it could easily be seen. While perfectly camouflaged with the surrounding rock, the viper moves the tip of its tail back and forth mimicking a spider's movements. Yes, its incredibly creepy. For those of you who want to see for yourself, I've included a video below. But finish reading first, I worked hard on this.

Science says that luring is a very sophisticated form of hunting. Rather than ambushing or stalking prey, luring draws the prey in close within the predators strike range. Once a bird that was foolish enough to think its going to make a tasty snake out of a spider realizes that the spider is fake, its already too late. The Viper strikes with lightning fast speed. After a few moments of adrenaline fueled struggle, the prey succumbs to the venom. If you ask me, luring seems pretty lazy. This viper is like the college professor of the snake world. You know what I mean. Sure, the professor gets paid to ponder big ideas and sophisticated philosophies, but does that mean he's better than you? After all, you earn a respectable living, working hard at your blue-collar job to put food on the table for your family. I'm sure the blue-collar snakes of the world who catch their prey the old fashioned way are pretty tired of hearing about how revolutionary these cosmopolitan vipers are with their "luring" tactics.

I must admit, researching this week's topic was harder than usual (meaning Wikipedia was not very helpful). Apparently the entire internet only cares about how creepy these things are and not about facts. Every search result on google was just using the Spider-Tailed Horned Viper as bait for, well, click bait. If you are familiar with this blog, you know that I try to be completely factual, which is part of the reason we don't use any science. Normally, I would tell you about the toxins that make up the Spider-Tailed Horned Viper's venom and why its nothing you want to tangle with. Unfortunately, the internet does not think that this is information worth sharing. What's next, Internet?! Are you going to suggest I look it up in a book?! Unbelievable. The audacity of this whole situation has led to the adoption of STCKYF's new slogan, "My Facts Don't Care About Your Science", because once again, Science has let us all down. 

Though I cannot tell you for certain that the Spider-Tailed Horned Viper can kill you, the stomach churning creepiness of running into one of these bad boys in the wild just might. Also, its a viper... so, you know, it probably can.

Stay safe out there.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Herpetologist

Christmas Spectacular!

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday’s!

This week STCKYF features (keep reading to find out!).

Merry Christmas Stanley! I hope you are as filled with the Christmas spirit as I am. Together we can have a merry, bright, and safe holiday. Because of course, as I’ve so painstakingly told you, everything, everything, everything, and, of course, everything can kill you. But don’t let that be a downer. Light the yule log (though be sure to have a fire extinguisher ready), wrap all the presents (but don’t run with scissors), and don’t forget to put out cold beer and pickled eggs for Santa Claus. You’ll notice that The Christmas STCKYF Spectacular is a little bit different than our usual form, let’s just have fun with it.

 A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away (ok, maybe not a galaxy, but like a few thousand miles) there lived a great man. Now, how you define great could be debated, but he was a man who wielded a great deal of power. You see, he was not just a man, but a king. As king, it was important for him to solidify his rule, or else he would face the wrath of either his subjects, or the far worse wrath of his overlords. No, he was not the highest rung on the political ladder. Far from it, actually. He was an important tool for his masters to maintain relative peace in the region. The king feared his overlords far greater than he feared his subjects, as any reasonable person would. After all, his overlords had a tendency to make rather strong examples out of anyone who dared to defy them. So, the king went about ensuring his own reign through the use of secret police to squash protests before they begin, and to monitor the general public opinion. The king was probably best known for his taxes, which he used to raise money for the construction of public buildings. These projects tended to increase the public tension rather than alleviate it; even leading to revolt.

It was a tense time for the king. You see, with friction growing between the two factions under his rule, the last thing the king needed was a political challenger. That’s exactly what he got. Well, not exactly. Rather than having a man stand up asking for “liberty or death”, the king’s challenger first came to his attention as a rumor. In those days, the king’s overlords issued a decree that a census should be taken, and everyone was to go to their own town to register. It was during this census that the king learned about his challenger. The king knew that if the challenger was successful, it would mean certain death for himself, and even if the challenger failed, the king’s overlords might decide he’s not suited for his position (a.k.a. death). So, the king sent out men of high rank to find the challenger and report back to him. After the men of high rank found and met the challenger, they decided to conceal the challenger’s whereabouts from the king. Outraged by the deception by the men of high rank, the king ordered the death of everyone who fit the description of his challenger. By order of the king, hundreds were killed, but not the challenger. No, the challenger was taken into hiding out of the country until it was safe to return.

The challenger was not the typical type of person to challenge the king’s rule. He was not a victorious military general or a well-known politician. The king’s challenger did not march a large army against him, but nonetheless, he challenged the king’s status quo. The challenger did not seek to take the king’s throne; his challenge to the king was in title only. A title which was bestowed upon him, even before he was born, before the census was declared by the king’s overlords, before he was wrapped in swaddling cloth and laid in a manger. The king’s challenger was an 8 lbs. 6 oz. baby, named Jesus, the Son of the Most-High, Possessor of the Throne of David, King of the Jews. And so, the king, or more accurately, King Herod, ordered the death of everyone who fit the description of the baby Jesus, that is, every child in Bethlehem two years old and younger. He sought to prevent a challenger to his throne, as foretold by the prophets, to be his downfall. But the child he targeted, the challenger to his rule, was safe in Egypt.

As we celebrate Christmas and the birth of the baby Jesus, be sure to be aware of the typical holiday dangers. On average 160 Christmas tree fires happen every year. 34% of emergency room visits were the result of falling while hanging lights (which, like Jeffery Epstein, don’t hang themselves). The Consumer Product Safety Commission estimates that in 2012, there were 15,000 injuries resulting from holiday decorating. Not to mention the countess injuries resulting from Krampus, the Christmas demon, who punishes children who misbehave. But above all these holiday hazards, let’s not forget the original Christmas peril, being killed as an infant by a grown man who was threatened by a baby. A baby who was still hadn’t watched all of his Baby Einstein videos to learn shapes and colors.

Merry Christmas, Stanley, and Stay safe out there.

-Charles R Mercer
Amateur Theologian

Snakehead Fish

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!

This week STCKYF features the Snakehead Fish.

The Shakehead Fish has a long dorsal fin, large mouth, and shiny teeth. Typically, it eat insects, mollusks, small fish, and frogs. It lives in freshwater and reach 35 inches when fully grown. It is not native to the Southeastern United States... or any part of the United States to be more accurate. It is an invasive species originating in southwest Asia where they are a delicacy. Does it have venom? No. Talons? Not so much. The ability to control minds? It's never been confirmed. Kind of boring if you ask me (and you did).

"Hey Charles, how does this thing qualify for STCKYF? Sure, its an invasive species, but its not like it can travel from one body of water to another on its own. So no big deal, right?" Steven, can I call you Steven? Good. Look, Steven, you once again disappoint me with your ignorance and silly questions. OF COURSE IT CAN. The Snakehead Fish can breath air and travel over land at distances up to 400 meters (or 1/4 mile in English). Once they've reached a new body of water, a single female can lay up to 75,000 eggs in a single year (or 15,000 eggs 5 times per year). That daycare bill must be insane!

I never thought I'd say this, but for once, Science and I agree. Science is ENCOURAGING that you kill these monsters on the spot of you see or catch one. And unlike other fish, you can't just leave it out of water because, as previously stated, it can breath air. The Snakehead Fish is causing ecological damage all over the world in habitats where they have no natural predators. The damage they cause is so great, there is a new version of The Green New Deal (a.k.a. 2 Green 2 New Deal) which will blame the Snakehead Fish for global warming. The reason it was left out of the original bill is because AOC wasn't interested in blaming it for ecological harm, since the fish is native to Asia and Africa. In America they have been caught as far west as California, as far north as Maine, as far south as Florida, and recently, as close to home as Gwinnett County, GA. So that about covers, well, all of America.

Steven, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, humanity has peaked. We've reached the evolutionary pinnacle, so kudos on being alive to see it. How do I know? Well, if there is a fish that can crawl out of the water and survive up to 4 days on land, clearly evolution has started over (which is the bad news). So what's that mean for you and I? Probably not much, at least nothing will really change in our lifetime. But if evolution is restarting, humanity will probably die off, or at least fall down the food chain. The Snakehead Fish will grow limbs. Slowly it will learn how to hunt. It'll grow claws and develop a highly poisonous batrachotoxin. Maybe it'll even store the poison in its elbows (do you know what I'm talking about yet?). That's right! The new world order will be built by the Slow Loris who will dominate the Earth with its adorable gaze and toxic weenus. The Slow Loris masters will enslave humanity. To gain favor with the Babylonian god Erra, they will make human sacrifices on a scale and in a manner that would make the Mayans blush. And eventually, they will kill off most species on Earth. Most of the world will be turned into a baron dusty landscape where nothing is able to grow. The Slow Loris dynasty will have no option but to abandon Earth and move on to another planet to satiate their invasive instincts. 

Or maybe not, but just to be safe... All hail our new overlords!

Stay safe out there.

-- 

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Angler

Sidewinder

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!

This week STCKYF features the Sidewinder.

The Sidewinder is a beast that goes by many names. Nerds call it Crotalus Cerastes, other call it the horned rattlesnake, colloquially it is known as the sidewinder, and to its friends it goes by Richard. No matter what you call it, you should use its name with respect. No, wait, not respect. What's the word that's kinda like respect? Oh yeah. Fear. Use the name with fear, like you would with Voldemort or Ted Cruz (a.k.a. the Zodiac Killer). Each of its names refers to a different characteristic of the snake. Sidewinder is in reference to its method of locomotion that we will discuss momentarily. Horned rattlesnake refers to the raised scales behind its eyes that protect the eyes from sand. Crotalus Cerastes is Latin, a.k.a. devil-speak, because this snake is a killer. And I believe Richard is a family name. 

The Sidewinder is native to the southwestern United States and northwestern Mexico a.k.a. the desert. Now, being around all that sand can make getting around very tiring. Think back to your last beach vacation. Remember trying to walk through the deep sand with a chair in one hand and a cooler in the other? It's not an easy task, but we are not designed to negotiate such terrain. The Sidewinder moves in a way to maximize its body contact with the sand while also maximizing traction. A normal snake cannot slither up steep sand dunes because it cannot get enough traction on the loose sand. The Sidewinder can. In fact, the Sidewinder can move so efficiently over the shifting desert sands that it can reach speeds of 18 mph. (It is a difficult movement to fully describe so I have attached a video like for your viewing pleasure: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3NbPUTD5qA).

Luckily, a snake with such a locomotive advantage in the desert doesn't have the most impressive venom. I mean, sure, it can still be fatal but come on... its no Cone Snail, am i right?!?! The venom causes pain , swelling, hemorrhagic bleb formation, coagulopathy and ecchymosis. I have consulted with our resident medial expert, Dr. Doogie Howser about what those last two big words mean. (and by "consulted" I mean he was almost in tears because STCKYF hasn't needed his help in quite some time, and I couldn't stand to see the little guy so upset). The Doctor has informed me that coagulopathy is the inability of the blood to coagulate. This means that the venom gets to freely travel around the body and do its worst. Ecchymosis, broadly speaking, is the escape of blood into tissues from a ruptured blood vessel. I'm not sure to what extent the venom causes ecchymosis and if it constitutes internal bleeding. Wikipedia Dr. Howser, did not go into that much detail about it. 

Dr. Howser told me the story of a man he once treated who was bitten by a Sidewinder on the first joint of his right index finder. Only one fang broke the skin (read: half dose of venom) and the victim reported that it felt like a pin prick. However, within 2.5 hours the victim's arm was swollen from shoulder to fingertip and it felt like his arm was "soaking in a bucket of boiling oil." Sheesh. The man lived and now lives in fear of the Sidewinder and boiling oil. Just remember that only one fang penetrated the skin and therefore only half of the venom was injected. Imagine what a full dose could do. (On second thought, try not to think about it.)

So what makes the Sidewinder especially terrifying? ROBOTIC SIDEWINDERS! Science has decided that it would really facilitate the machines rising up and enslaving us all if some of the aforementioned machines were terrifying snake robots. Who, you might ask, would want to help the robots in their inevitable uprising? GEORGIA TECH NERDS. I should've known. Frankly, I'm disgusted. Engineers are supposed to help us build a better world, not sell us out to the Russians robots. If you were planning on hiding out in the desert during the robotic wars, think again. Georgia Tech is helping to build robots that can't get stuck in sand because they use, and have improved, the Sidewinder's movements. Don't believe me? See for yourself:
https://www.latimes.com/science/sciencenow/la-sci-sn-robot-snake-sidewinder-sand-bioinspired-20141009-story.html

Georgia Tech nerds, if you're reading this (and I know you are), please don't help the robots destroy us all. They can't fill the void in your heart that is usually filled with human interaction. Go outside. Spend time with your family. AND JOIN THE MOVEMENT. The Species Extinction Counter-movement, or SEC. A movement so important to humanity that it just means more.

Stay safe out there. 

-- 

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Herpetologist

Blue-ringed Octopus

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!

This week STCKYF features the Blue-ringed Octopus.

WE'RE BACK BABY! After a lengthy leave of absence from these electronic pages, I have decided to revive STCKYF because YOU need me to. I've heard your many complaints and received your sad dejected letters. Your Fridays have been dull and without whimsy of any kind. Your heads have not been filled with random facts that may one day be useful in a game of trivia, if ever at all. And be honest, Phil. You missed me and my no good English. Well, be sad no more! I'm back. We're back. Let's do this.

Our return installment of STCKYF takes us back to the spiritual home of this blog, Australia. Well, actually the Australian ocean. Well, actually the Pacific and Indian oceans between Japan and Australia. Close Enough. Making its home in tide pools and coral reefs in the aforementioned oceans, the Blue-ringed Octopus is known as one of the most venomous marine animals in the world. The Blue-ringed octopus is aptly named for the blue and black rings that cover its body. Not a very creative name, but where does subtlety get you? When threatened, they become bright yellow in color and the blue rings begin to flash. This is done to deter predators while the octopus escapes. You may think that making yourself more noticeable would be a bad defense, but when you carry as potent of a toxin as the Blue-ringed Octopus, you want everyone to know who you are. 

The toxin carried by the Blue-ringed Octopus, tetrodotoxin, is the same toxin that makes Pufferfish and the California Newt, (previous STCKYF topics) both of which are creatures not to be trifled with. This 5-8 inch Octopus carries enough venom to kill 26 adult humans within minutes. How can it wreak so much havoc? Well, tetrodotoxin is 1,200 times more toxic than cyanide. The toxin is found in every organ and gland in its little body, including its heart (it's cold, black, evil heart). Mothers will even inject the toxin into their eggs so that the unhatched babies begin to produce their own toxin. The bite from a Blue-ringed Octopus is small and painless leaving the only indication for the victim that they have been bitten to be the respiratory paralysis that soon sets in. (Note: this means you can't breath). Once the paralysis sets in, without medical aid, you only have a few minutes left to live before you're pushing up the daisies. 

As of 2018, no anti-venom is available. But don't fret, there is still hope (because its 2019 now, so who knows!). The venom's main effect is muscular paralysis which includes important muscles like the diaphragm (used for breathing) and the heart (used for loving). CPR is an effective tool for keeping victims alive until they can be taken to the hospital where they can be hooked up to a ventilator while the toxin is removed. Just remember to do chest compressions to the tune of Staying Alive. What's that, Phil? You don't know the song? Ok, for all my millennial readers out there, try doing chest compressions to the tune of  Something Just Like This by The Chainsmokers. Happy? Normally, I would just tell you to go by a Bee Gees album and learn the song, but LIVES ARE AT STAKE.

The Blue-ringed Octopus' reputation for death has gained it some notoriety. In the James Bond film Octopussy, the Blue-ringed Octopus is a symbol of the secret order of female bandits and smugglers. More recently, the Blue-ringed Octopus went #viral on TikTok in a video of a tourist picking one up (kids, do NOT try this at home).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAmTTCV7GyY

My advise is, as always, stay away from Australia.

Stay safe out there. 

-- 

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Writer

Jaguar

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!
This week STCKYF features the Jaguar.

Native to Florida the Jaguar isn't particularly threatening, even though it somehow finished first in the AFC South. Though the Jaguar is known for its powerful striking ability, it is rarely able to connect with its target. Yeah, that was a shot a Blake Bortles ability to throw an accurate pass, didn't expect that did you? Wait a minute... how did I get on Blake Bortles? Aww man I must've gotten the Jacksonville Jaguars confused with actual Jaguars. My bad, gang.

Actual Jaguars don't live in Florida. They live in the southwestern United States, Mexico and Central America. So that's good news for all the retirees on the in Orlando. Its bad news for, well, everything else. The Jaguar is an apex predator that holds onto the top spot of the food pyramid with an iron fist. The Jaguar can take on any terrestrial and riparian (basically, riverbank area)  vertebrae in Central and South American. The only real exception, according to science, to that claim is the black caiman. Welp, I hate to break it to science, (note: I don't hate to break it to science) Jaguars kill caimans all the time. Don't believe me? By now you should just take my word on these things, BUT FINE! I'll give you proof. watch the video linked below (skip to 50 seconds).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgD60N9PqGM

Did you watch it? Good! How cool was that! Hey science, get outa here with that "Jags can't kill caimans", cause that caiman just got got. And caiman are not the only impressive animals that get taken down a notch by the Jaguar. Research has shown that the few Jaguars that venture into America kill and eat black bears. It's regular diet consist of up to 87 different species, which I guess is good. I mean, being a picky eater is probably not advantageous in the wild.

If it's going to take down lots of different species of prey, the Jaguar must be an expert hunter. Rather than being a chase predator, like the cheetah, the Jaguar hunts using the stank and ambush technique. Upon pouncing on its prey, the Jag uses its canine teeth to pierce through the temporal bones of the skull between the ears, piercing the brain. A task made much easier by the 4th strongest bite force in the animal kingdom, 1,350 psi to be exact. Those strong jaws also earn it the rank of Number 1 in terms of feline bite force.

The Jaguar doesn't just have an impressive bite. They are also incredibly fast. Almost as fast as the cheetah, a Jag can accelerate to 60 mph in 3.5 seconds, an easy feat when you consider that its got the same power output as 575 horses. Wait! Aww man I did it again! Geez this has been a long week. I keep getting actual Jaguars confused with other jaguars. No, the actual Jaguar cannot run that fast and is not the power equivalent of 575 horses. That's the specs from the supercharged V8 Jaguar F-Type. I promise this won't happen again.

Jaguars have a rare gene that results in a black coat rather than a yellow, brown and white coat. These black coated Jags are known as Melanistic Jaguars due to the theory that the melanistic allele is dominant. More commonly, Melanistic Jaguars are called black panthers. Any "black panther" in the United States is actually a Melanistic Jaguar. In Asia and Africa, "black panthers" are in fact leopards. Now you know!

The Indigenous people of South America were able to live in semi-harmony with the Jaguar. These people also were, like, super into human sacrifice. I'm not saying that they are connected... but I am strongly implying it. They also knew that the Jaguars would leave them alone if there were plenty of capybaras around. Look around, if you don't see an abundance of capybara, you may want to go on high alert... just in case.

Stay safe out there.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Zoologist

Cheetah

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!
This week STCKYF features the Cheetah.

It has been said that in a one on one fight, a human and a Cheetah would be a fairly even match. I'm here to tell you that this is utter bologna. Like the Wu Tang Clan, the Cheetah ain't nothin to [mess] with. Also like the Wu Tang Clan, the Cheetah will straight up kill you. Cheetah's use their unparalleled speed to chase down their prey and tackle it to the ground. Like all big cats, cheetahs bite the throat of their prey to suffocate it to death. It regularly takes down animals like the thomson's gazelle and Blesbok which has horns, what do you have?  Probably not horns.

Known for being the fastest land animal in the world, Cheetah's can accelerate from 0-60 mph in just 3 seconds. That's the same 0-60 time as a Ferrari 458 Italia. Think your Mazda MX-5 is quick? A Cheetah is literally twice as fast. If you were to compare the power differences between the Ferrari and a Cheetah, the Ferrari has 562 horse power the cheetah doesn't even have 1, because its not a horse... its a cheetah. That's an incredible power difference that I am almost certain that no one else has made. That's the kind of content I find for you guys, you're welcome.

Unlike other cats, the Cheetah has semi-retractable claws. Why might that be? Science says that because the claws are always partially extended, they work like cleats. More traction means they can accelerate faster and turn sharper. And Science might be on to something with that. However I think the claws never fully retract so that the Cheetah is ready to strike at any time. Like a samurai who partially unsheathes his sword before striking, the Cheetah keeps its claws in the ready position. What's that? You keep your claws (read: finger nails) ready at all times too? Well that's... um... not as impressive. Moving on...

Think you can take on a Cheetah? We know that you're no match for a Cheetah on the Serengeti. In the open spaces the Cheetah can use its speed to take you down like an unsuspecting antelope. I did the math (and by "I" I mean I googled it so it's accuracy is questionable) and the impact force of a 160 lbs male Cheetah at full speed (70 mph) is 4500 lbs. That's more than enough to take you down. Even if the internet's math is wrong (which is doubtful because the internet never lies), the Cheetah is still taking you down without a doubt because no matter how strong you are, it is hitting you at 70 mph.

So lets try and even the odds by taking away the Cheetah's speed advantage by limiting the area of this mono e mono duel. How are we going to do that? Let's say, oh I don't know... how about a good ole fashioned cage match. Just you and a Cheetah. Guess what tough guy! You still lose. The Cheetah has razor sharp claws and a 475 psi bite force (and for my OG readers, that is not enough force to crush a bowling ball). Like a house cat playing with a mouse, the Cheetah will pin you to the ground in moments. If you mess with a cheetah, don't be surprised if you get got.

Stay safe out there.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Zoologist

Slow Loris

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!
This week STCKYF features the Slow Loris.

Ah the Slow Loris. If there was one word to describe the Slow Loris I think it would have to be cuddly. When you see its big eyes you can't help but say "awwww!". Plus it looks super soft. The Slow Loris' level of unadulterated cuteness makes it seem like the perfect family pet. Just imagine this little guy just doing Slow Loris things around the house. Climbing on furniture. Eating your house plants (which normally would upset you but the darn thing is just so cute you let it slide). Looking at you with those big round eyes. THEN TRYING TO MURDER YOU WITH ITS POISONOUS ELBOWS!!

Bet you didn't see that coming, did you? The Slow Loris has the rare mammalian trait, unique to lorisid primates, of being able to produce a toxin. For reasons only known to science, the glands that produce the toxin are on the Slow Loris' arm. The Loris licks the glands to mix the toxin in with their saliva creating a toxic bite. This seems a little silly to me. Just have the toxin glands in your mouth so you can be ready to bite stuff all the time... but they didn't ask me. Interestingly enough, for the toxin to be potent it must be mixed with the saliva. If it is not mixed it acts as more of a mild irritant.

So what is in this toxic bite the Slow Loris has been bragging about? This is usually when I tell you all about neurotoxins or heart failure, but today I am not going to do that. Not because I don't want to, believe me, I do. It's just that the toxin in the Slow Loris' bite does not have any of the effects we usually see. In fact, the toxin in similar to the allergen in cat dander so the chances of it causing an allergic reaction are far higher than the chances of toxicosis. I know, kind of a bummer, right? But do not fret (or do fret, depending on how you'd like to look at this) because the Slow Loris' bit can and has killed people. Science claims that the deaths are the result of anaphylactic shock, but isn't entirely sure. Some studies have shown that the toxin contains batrachotoxins (if you check your notes you will see that this is also used by the Golden Poison Dart Frog) but only in recently caught wild Lorises. This toxin is not naturally part of the Slow Loris' venom, but it is acquired when the Loris eats certain species of beetle.

Luckily you are unlikely to run into these adorable monsters in the wild, unless you travel to Southeast Asia. The indigenous cultures in this region believe that the Slow Loris has the supernatural power to cure wounds and ward off evil spirits (big if true). For instance the Slow Loris is thought to be able to heal itself instantly after falling from a tree. Neat trick, right? But the best Loris lore comes from Borneo. They believe that the Lorises are the the gatekeepers for the heavens and that each person has a personal loris waiting for them in the afterlife. So when you die you get a cute, fuzzy wide eyed loris? Sign me up!

Stay safe out there.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Loris Enthusiast