New Year's Resolutions

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features New Year's Resolutions.

With 2017 coming to a close I thought it would be prudent to dedicate the last STCKYF of the year to something New Years related, more specifically resolutions. You know what I'm talking about, those pesky things we make every year as we say to ourselves, "self, this is the year we actually stick to our resolution. This year is going to be different!". Statistically, 80% of all new years resolutions fail in February. Fact. Let's face it, not only are you highly unlikely to stick to your resolution, there is a large chance that it will KILL YOU. That's right STCKYFers, your new years resolution can be your demise. Let me elaborate.

Remember that health kick you've been thinking about starting ever since you ate all that candy the night of Halloween? Well it might not be such a good idea. Think about it, you're body depends on certain nutrients in order to function. But instead of those "essential nutrients" you've been giving your body a steady diet to funyuns and buffalo wings for so long that you have passed the point of no return. If you even ate one leaf of spinach you'd probably hospitalize yourself for a week. Don't risk it. Instead of trying Whole 30 why not try eating a whole 30 inch pizza by yourself. Again.

Thinking of drinking less? Fat chance, Keith. If the cumulative hangover doesn't kill you, the night you decide to go back to drinking and end up drinking A LOT to make up for lost time, will. Listen, at this point in your life, your body is like a engine that needs gasoline to survive. Except instead of gasoline, your body needs at least two vodka sodas a day or you will emotionally implode. What, your doctor is telling you to drink less out of concern for your liver? Is he saying things like, "Keith, you're not in college anymore."? Don't listen to that nark. As Dr. William Nelson M.D. so eloquently put it, "There are more old drunks that there are old doctors, so I guess we better have another round". Do as Dr. Nelson says.

Thinking about joining a gym? ARE YOU MENTAL? Do you want to have a heart attack? Geez Keith, with the way you eat and drink I'd be surprised if you're heart rate could climb over 120 bpm before you pass out. A pilates class? I think we call all agree that leaning forward while laying on the couch to grab the TV remote, your beer, and nachos is practically pilates (note: I'm not entirely sure what pilates is). Weight training? What's the point of being able to dead lift a car when a case of beer only weighs 34 lbs? Muscle soreness sounds like a real drag too. How can working out be good for you if every time you've tried to start gym regiment you can hardly move the next day. Sounds questionable to me.

Take my advice, the only resolution you need is to dedicate yourself to not changing a single thing, that way there is no chance of failure. Besides, I like you just the way you are Keith.

Stay safe out there, and happy New Year.

--

Charles R Mercer

Life Coach

Swallowtail Butterfly

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features the Swallowtail Butterfly.

That's right, STCKYFers, we're talking about killer butterflies. Be afraid, be very afraid. Native to Asia and (of course) Australia, this invasive pest has begin to spread around the world, making landfall in the Caribbean and Central America. They grow to anywhere between 3 and 4 inches, so, you know, butterfly size. Like the very hungry caterpillar, they hatch from eggs, eat as much as they can and then form a cocoon. Come to think of it... that's exactly like the very hungry caterpillar. I have a feeling someone is going to get sued for copyright infringement.

Anyway, once God (not science) has changed these curious creatures into butterflies, they go right back to eating. And eating. And eating. The Swallowtail Butterfly reproduces in large numbers up to 8 times every year. That kind of exponential growth paired with their voracious appetites means they need tons of food. Swallowtail Butterflies will swarm like locusts, devouring everything in sight. These biker gangs of the sky are famous for stripping citrus farms of all foliage.

When the plants have been eaten and Mikey the butterfly is still hungry (because Mikey is always hungry), they have to find a new food source. Sometimes that means people. On a small Malaysian island hundreds have been injured and 40 people have been killed by these winged monsters. They swarm like demons while they take little butterfly sized bites. And like piranhas, they kill. A truly gruesome way to go.

Are you ready for the #spooky part? This happens every 21 years. Like clock work. If I had to guess, based on their exponential population growth, I'm theorizing that these butterflies have population booms when the ecosystem has recovered from their last outbreak. This just so happens to be a 21 year cycle. Science nerds think this might have been caused by the Chernobyl incident but that is just silly. For starters, I checked the map that Miss South Carolina Teen Lauren Katlin gave me (she's a big supporter of the column) and Malaysia and Ukraine are nowhere near each other. I'm also not sure where those places are in reference to America and the Iraq because I couldn't find them. Second, we all know that Chernobyl is a government conspiracy created by leftist snowflakes who don't like the idea of nuclear power. There, I said it.

These Winged Jeffrey Dahmers are not messing around. They are capable of anything and will do anything they please (probably because they are literal demons). And when I say they can do absolutely anything, I mean it. Look, I'm not saying that the Swallowtail Butterfly is responsible for the Malaysian Airline plane that went missing... but I'm not not saying that either.

Stay safe out there.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Lepidopterologist

Cone Snail

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features the Cone Snail.

Also known as the Assassin of the Sea, the cone snail is one thing you do not want to mess with. It packs a devastating punch relative to its size. Much like the funnel Web spider that we learned about last week, the cone snail is also a fast killer. Nicknamed the "cigarette snail", the victim only has enough time to smoke a cigarette (preferably a cowboy killer) before they assume room temperature (die). Their venom causes intense localized pain, swelling, numbness, vomiting, paralysis, changes in vision, and worst of all respiratory failure.

So what makes the Assassin of the Sea so dangerous to humans? Well, they are dangerous quite simply because they are beautiful. People at the beach have picked up live cone snails thinking it was a harmless uninhabited shell to only find out that a true cold blooded killer was inside. As fate would have it, the most sought after cone snail shell happens to be from the deadliest species of cone snail in the world, the Geographic Cone Snail. This species grows to 4-6 inches in length and indigenous to the Indo-Pacific. After getting stung by a geographic cone snail, it is vital to receive an anti-venom injection as quickly as possible... oh wait... THERE IS NO ANTI-VENOM! The complexity of the venom has prevented an effective anti-venom from being developed. All medical personnel can do is to try and keep you alive until the toxin wears off or you venture down to Davy Jones' Locker.

Isolated compounds from the cone snail's venom have been used to create Zicontide, a pain reliever 10,000 times more powerful than morphine. I think that shows the power of the cone snail's sting. I also hope that this pain medicine is used to treat patients who have been stung by a cone snail, kinda poetic if you ask me.

If you ever travel to a tropical climate, there are cone snails in the water. Guaranteed. Don't pick them up, don't approach them, and just to be extra safe you probably shouldn't even look at them.

Stay safe out there.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Oceanographer

Funnel Web Spider

This week we travel back to the country/continent to learn about the deadliest spider on Earth. That's right STCKYF fans, we're going back to our roots, Australia.

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features the Funnel Web Spider.

The funnel web spider is named for, you guessed it, the shape of its web. Kind of a lame name if you ask me (which by reading this column you did in fact as me). I think a more appropriate name would be the Angel of Death Spider, the Lucifer Spider, or the Kill You and Steal Your Soul From Your Cold Dead Hands Spider (that last one might be a tad long). Whatever you call it, this little shit doesn't need it to be Friday to kill you. (see what I did there?)

Sorry Peter Parker, but a bite from these eight legged terrors won't give you super powers. In fact, it will do the exact opposite. After getting bitten, you have 15 minutes to live. 15! That's not even long enough to go rewatch you favorite episode of New Girl before you kick the bucket. If right before you were bitten you had ordered a Domino's pizza, because you were starving and they guarantee delivery in 30 minutes or less, you'll never see that pizza.

Most attacks are carried out by "wandering males" who set out in the warmer months in search of a female to, as Shakespeare would say, make the beast with 16 legs. They don't like the sun so, like snakes, they hide in cool places during the day like under rocks, in your home, in your shoes, even under your pillow.... (I don't think that last one has ever happened). And the males are BIG. Calm down Ron Weasley. They're not giant magical talking spiders that live in the dark forest kind of big. They only grow to about two inches, but for a spider, I'd call that large. 

The venom from the funnel web spider, though it is incredibly potent, has evolved very specifically. If a cat or a dog were bitten by a funnel web spider, the toxins would be neutralized within half an hour. That's because a funnel web spider's venom is only deadly to invertebrates and primates (according to the science nerds, we are in one of those categories). According to science, the venom acts as an "ion channel inhibitor" which is apparently bad for monkeys. As you probably guessed, primates are not the natural prey of the funnel web spider. They prefer to eat other insects. Primates just happen to have ion channels (whatever those are) that are susceptible to this type of venom.

So what's so great about this venom? Well, the venom causes a constant firing of the nervous system which leads to muscle spasms, hypertension, elevated heart rate, and respiratory distress. Not a good way to go. And again, not only will the effects start and escalate quickly to the point that you're pushing up the daisies within 15 minutes, but that pizza you ordered will get cold. No one wants that.

Stay safe out there.

--
Charles R Mercer

Amateur Arachnologist

Assassin Bug

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features the Assassin bug.

There are over 6600 species of assassin bugs that live all across the globe except for Antarctica and Australia. I know, I know, I know. How can a deadly animal NOT live in Australia? My guess is that in reality they DO live there, they've just killed everyone who has ever seen one (you'll see how preposterous this theory is once you read a little further). They tend to feed on other insects like cockroaches, bedbugs, ants, millipedes, etc. Not a big deal (literally). It's kind of nice actually, they kill pests so we don't have to. They kill by injecting their prey with a lethal saliva that liquefies their insides. (Note: it is extremely challenging to survive when your insides are liquefied). Then the Assassin eats its fill and moves on. Insects get eaten, people don't... a happy ending, right?

WRONG! The Assassin bug (which has ass in its name twice, so you know its a real jerk) can kill people. Species that are native to only Central and South America have earned the nickname "the kissing bug" because they like to bite people in the soft tissue around the mouth. The bite itself isn't inherently dangerous unless the bug is carrying trypanosomal Chagas disease. What's that? You've never heard of this disease? To be honest, neither had I. Let me fix that for the both of us...

After the initial bite, the person will have a mild fever, swollen lymph nodes, headaches and swelling where they were bitten. After 8-12 weeks patients enter the chronic stage where their nervous system, digestive system and heart are affected. These issues will get worse and worse over the course of, on average, 10 to 30 years. That's right these sneaky killers (sneaky like Pearl harbor) want to kill you slowly. Very, very, very slowly. Basically, the cells of whatever tissue is affected by the bite are killed and the loss of cells will destroy your health over time.

With the help of medication, you can try and stall the grim reaper. But, once you have been bitten, you're pretty much marked for life. Man, this has been a really cheerful edition of STCKYF, but hey, it beats being mauled by a grizzly bear.

Stay safe out there.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Insectologist

Black Friday

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features Black Friday.

That's right my loyal readers, the most infamous shopping day of the year (which just so happens to be today) CAN KILL YOU. "But Charles, the only killer thing about black Friday is the deals. There is no way a bargain can kill me." Hey, that's enough lip out of you. No, a good deal on an Xbox won't kill you (unless maybe you have a bad heart and the shock of saving a hundred bucks brings on a literal heart attack). However, the mother of four with a crazy look in her eye who promised her son she would buy him one for Christmas and its the last Xbox in stock just might.

People do crazy things for a good deal. Every year, fights break out in stores over Lego sets, people stab people over Kitchen Aid mixers, and people shoot people over a pair of Air Force Ones. Suburban families turn into demons as they run around their favorite stores pushing people over, kicking the elderly and spitting on babies. All in the name of consumerism. Even if you manage to make it through check out unharmed, there is an 87% change you will be murdered in the parking lot of Big Lots as you load your new Easy Boy into the back of your Subaru Forester. 

"But Charles! how can I dodge the grim reaper while taking advantage of 75% off everything in store at Bed, Bath and Beyond?" As luck would have it, I can help you with that. You see, this week STCKYF is adding a new segment where I will give you tips on how to avoid dying this holiday season. So here goes, my top 10 rules for surviving black Friday:

1. Don't go shopping on black Friday. I really can't emphasis this one enough.

2. If you must go, don't shop at Walmart or any other store where poor people shop. They have nothing to loose and won't think twice about breaking out their prison shank.

3. Ok ok fine. You're going to Walmart. But if a guy named Crazy Steve asks you for the TV you have in your cart so he and his imaginary friend Mr. Biggles can watch The Joy of Painting hosted by legendary painter Bob Ross, you give it to him. (and come on, if the TV can fit in your cart, its way too small). No seriously, give him the TV. He will shank you and that will hurt.

4.Like Mohammed Ali you have to bob and weave... Never let your guard down and always look over your shoulder.

5. Never EVER reach go for anything on the bottom shelf in a crowded store. You will get knocked to the floor and trampled.

6. treat stores and parking lots on black Friday as if they're the bad part of town and you're an attractive(ish) looking female (or male, I guess. it is 2017). brightly lit areas are your friend. avoid dark alleys and poorly lit isles.

7.Wear a Kevlar vest. You may get shot and body armor is a safe bet. If its good enough for our troops in Iraq, it'll do at a Sam's Club.

8. Never go alone. (this kinda ties in with rule 6). bad people look for the vulnerable looking single people to prey on. The buddy system never goes out of style.

9. Bring a weapon. Look, you don't want to be the only guy at a picnic without a blanket, right? Well, you also don't want to be the only person inside a crowded Target that doesn't have a knight stick.

10. Wear safety glasses. Pepper spray HURTS.

If you follow these 10 rules, you just might make it out alive. Or, like the sensible person you are (I know you must have at least some sense, because you subscribed to this Column) you could avoid the stabbings and shootings and blood stained mall corridors and just shop online like the true millennial you are.

Stay safe out there.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Journalist

Turkey Frying

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features turkey frying.

With Thanksgiving right around the corner I though it fit to have a special Thankgiving themed edition of STCKYF. (Also, thanks to Sam for the suggestion).

Let me paint you a picture. Its a brisk November afternoon and the whole family is gathered outside for the annual frying of the turkey. Everyone's chit chat masks the subtle hiss of the propane burner heating the oil. Dad walks out of the house, turkey in one hand, oatmeal stout in other. It was time. Dad approached the fryer ready to insert the turkey that had been brining for the past 48 hours into the oil. "Be careful dear! we don't want to have any problems like the Smith's had last year!" warned mom. Vintage Mom. Never believing Dad could do something correctly, constantly nagging. He bottled his resentment for her lack of trust deep down with another swig or two of his beer. "Play it cool" Dad though to himself, "No need to hash this out with mom right now, in front of the kids, again."  It was go time. Dad lowered the turkey into the pot and the oil sent out a few pops. The pops grew more violent and water from the still partially frozen turkey met the hot oil. Dad swore under his breath loud enough for his children to hear. The violent fryer spat more and more oil out of the pot. "ok everybody take a step back," said Dad "just to be safe." The oil that was now dripping down the side of the pot met the dancing flames of the propane burner and in an instant the flames climbed up the dripping oil and engulfed the entire pot. "Billy, get the fire extinguisher!" cried Dad. "I told you to be careful!" Cried Mom. The fire spread onto the wooden patio and soon the whole house was ablaze. Just like the Smith's last year. "Everybody run! Save yourselves!" Dad shouted over the sound of the flames. He knew he would never hear the end of this one.

This happens across the country. Every year 900 homes are destroyed because of turkey fryers. South Carolina and Georgia rank fourth and fifth nationally in total number of Thanksgiving day grease and cooking related accidents every year (Woohoo!). Deep frying a whole turkey is serious business. Every year the news warns the nation about the do's and dont's of turkey frying and every year people don't listen... because people are DUMB. Fire departments even host events where they will fry your turkey for you... and people STILL BURN DOWN THEIR HOMES. I mean come on! Just be smart about it and you won't die. However, as we all know, stupid is as stupid does. And when thanksgiving rolls around, stupid decides to show off to the whole family by deep frying the main course. Stupid and 350 degree oil do not mix. EVER. You may be thinking, "But Charles, I'm not stupid, so I'll be fine". Well, that's exactly what Stupid would say....

Too much oil? It spills over the sides, ignites, and you die.

Too much heat? The oil ignites on it's own, and you die.

Turkey still frozen? flames, spitting oil, and more flames erupt from the pot. Oh, and you die.

Even if you somehow manage to survive your turkey day disaster, you'll be in agony from 3rd degree burns. Hell, you may even look like Harvey Two-Face from Batman. My question is, when did baking the turkey in the oven become so lame that people are willing to die in order to jazz up Thanksgiving? I mean, why do things the easy way when you can do them the deadly way, Right? If you're wondering, I'll be sticking to the baked bird this year.

As always, Stay safe out there, and happy Thanksgiving.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Firefighter

Grey Wolf

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features the Grey Wolf.

The Grey Wolf is a pack animal which means it lives, hunts and kills as part of a group, typically 7-8 wolves. Now, because everything the wolf does is done as part of a group, we will be multiplying everything by 8 to account for the whole pack. Right about new you may be wondering, with all this "wolf pack" talk, if I am going to start making silly The Hangover references. I'll have you know that this is serious column and I would never stoop so low.

Interestingly enough, they live in nuclear families, so I'm sure they spend most of their time trying to keep up with the Joneses (probably). The grey wolf is an apex predator whose only real competition is from tigers (in Asia). I want us all to take a moment and think about that. Go ahead. picture it in your mind. I'll wait. Wolf pack vs tiger... to the death. I would pay sooooo much money to watch that show down. Like at least $100.. cash.

The Grey Wolf, which is the largest of it's wolf brethren, can grows to be around 100 pounds with a bite force of 1500 psi. Some of you may recall that a grizzly bear only needed 1160psi to crush a bowling ball, unfortunately a wolf's jaw isn't big enough for this feat, it sure is strong enough. Now if we do some maths... hold on... where did I leave my calculator... wait... found it.... 100 times... carry the 1.... Eureka! If you were to run into a pack of these killers you would be facing down 800 pounds of growling pack animal with a 12,000 psi bite force. That's a power to weight ratio that would make a grizzly bear cry.

Grey Wolves have complex social structures. Each pack contains a hierarchy with a mated pair (mom and dad) at the top, then their children, whose ranking is determined between 5-8 weeks of age while play fighting. Between packs there is also a hierarchy, the biggest and baddest at the top. Each pack is a tight knit group that doesn't take to kindly to strangers, other packs, or even a one man wolf pack (Like I wouldn't make a reference to The hangover, please). Each pack establishes its territory and defends it vigilantly.

What makes the Grey Wolf a perfect topic for STCKYF is the long history the wolf has with humans across the globe. The wolf symbolizes danger and destruction; the warrior and the devil in one. Native Americans would call upon the spirit of the wolf in certain ceremonies because the wolf was a symbol of power, a symbol of nature perfected. The wolf was respected by many cultures because of the danger they posed to humans. That Danger has not gone away.

Well that "perfection" of neature comes at a price. Wolves are killers. People Killers. Records of wolf attacks date back at least 800 years with thousands of recorded deaths. Wolves are extremely intelligent and use their smarts and your fear to their advantage. Usually wolf attacks are the result of people wandering into the pack's territory, though it can be predatory (Big dog's gotta eat, after all). If you aren't paying attention, they will sneak up on you and kill you with a quick bite to the throat. If you see/hear them coming and run, they will chase you, let you run until you're dead tired, and then they will kill you... and them you'll just be dead. As a group they will tackle you while one wolf bites your throat and another simultaneously bites your left pinky. It's an instinct that can still be found in dogs today.

Most victims are under the age of 18 and almost all of them are women. Wait, I'm sorry, I can't do this. Here we are, having a lovely chat about things that can kill us, and then these sexist pigs come along and ruin it. I mean it's 2018! Who does that anymore?! Only preying on women, it makes me sick... SICK I TELL YOU! Pretty soon you'll be hearing that grey wolves make males and females go to the bathroom behind separate trees and not behind the tree that they identify with. Completely unacceptable!

Long story short: If you run into a grey wolf pack you're pretty much screwed... especially if you happen to be a woman. Do yourselves a favor and try and make the wolf think you're a man.

Stay safe out there.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Zoologist

Grizzly Bear

Now, we've spent the majority of our time together looking at things that use venom to kill their prey, and you know what... venom is starting to get a little boring. What happened to the good old days when survival of the fittest meant the actual fittest and not some square who through evolution developed a chemical that can do all the heavy lifting (I'm looking at you Irukandji jellyfish). Let take a look at something that doesn't need venom to do its killing. Something that kills because it wants to. Something that kills because its the baddest thing around.

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features the Grizzly Bear.

Weighing in at 700 pounds, these four legged mountains are not something you should mess with. 700 pounds alone is scary, that 700 pounds making up a bear... even scarier. They have razor sharp claws, jaws scarier and more powerful than Max could ever hope for, and they don't care what gets in their way. Perks of being top dog (or bear) in the food chain. Science nerds say that a grizzly bear could crush a bowling ball in its jaws (1160 psi of force). This is just an estimation made by the science nerds, but I do know that people are much easier to crush than bowling balls. So does it really matter if they can or not? The mere possibility is enough to make sure you are never on the business end of their anti jaws of life.

Good thing we can just avoid them, right? WRONG! They live on every continent except for Antarctica. You get what I'm saying? They're everywhere. EVERYWHERE! Whatever you do... don't turn around. There is a chance (a technically very very very small chance) that one of them is behind you. Probably not, but there's always a chance...

Human-Bear interactions are usually caused by the bear associating people with food. If the bear is hungry and the people don't have food, these boy scouts of the forest make lemonade from lemons and just eat the people. How resourceful! Other attacks result from people sneaking up on a bear or getting too close to Mama bear when the cubs are around. I believe the latter, mothers are always protective of their young, but I don't buy the first one. Who sneaks up on a bear? As I already pointed out, they're massive and they're not exactly masters of disguise. You wouldn't sneak up on the Taliban would you? No. And like the Taliban, grizzly bears will kill you and feel nothing in their cold, black bear hearts.

Now, I have to mention that grizzly bears are "threatened" of "endangered" depending on the country. Even though their numbers are dwindling, that doesn't stop "problem bears" from becoming accustomed to people, get too close, and have to be put down by the Canadian Mounties. Do yourself a favor, stay away from these kings of the forest. If you don't, they will crush you like a bowling ball.

Stay safe out there.

 

--

Charles R Mercer
Amateur Zoologist

Deathstalker Scorpion

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week, STCKYF features the Deathstalker Scorpion.

By deathstalker I am of course referring to the deathstalker scorpion, not the 1983 film with the same name. Now I don't even have to tell you that this insect is definitely deadly... I mean come on, it's called the Deathstalker. Native to North Africa and the middle east, these guys are yet another reason to never ever go there, unless you don't mind venomous insects and terrorism. What makes them dangerous is that the deathstalker and humans like the same thing... to not be in the desert sun. When both people and deathstalkers try and occupy the same slice of shade, there's going to be a problem.

These punk rockers of the insect world are responsible for 75% of scorpion related death each year. Killing is easy for the deathstalker given the venom cocktail within their stingers. The deathstalker is armed with several toxins that it injects all at once; chlorotoxin, charybotoxin, scyllatoxin, and three types of agitoxins. These are all types of neurotoxins work together to cause anaphylaxis (serious allergic reaction), pancreatitis (inflammation of the pancreas), comas, convulsions, paralysis and pulmonary edema. For those of you too scared to remember what a pulmonary edema is, let me explain. Fluid builds up in the lungs (note: lungs are for air exclusively, not fluid) and the victim drowns in their own fluids. (insert chills HERE).

You want to know what the best part is? Because the venom is so complex and potent, it is resistant to anti venom so they have to use A LOT of anti venom. The good news is, if you are ever unfortunate enough to run into and get stung by a deathstalker scorpion, the United States has a large stash of the anti venom, all thanks to the Gulf War.

"But Charles, I'm never going to the middle east because I don't want to be executed on YouTube. Why would I worry about running into a deathstalker?" Jerry, you ignorant slut!  Even though it is illegal to own a deathstalker (except for zoos) people smuggle them into the United States all the time. Because people are DUMB. Having one of these in your home is like having a hand grenade with the pun pulled 99% of the way out lying on your coffee table. NOT SMART. But stupid is as stupid does, I guess.

This week I'd like to end on a lighter note because I happened across a really cool tid bit while doing my research. Peptide chlorotoxin, one of the many toxins in the deathstalker's venom, is actually might have a light side. The toxin is being studied in the treatment of brain tumors. Another unnamed venom component is being studied to help regulate insulin in diabetes treatments. Isn't that neat? That being said, leave the venom studies to the professionals and maybe think twice before reaching blindly under the couch for that pesky remote you dropped for the third time today (you're welcome for the nightmares).

And as always, stay safe you there, Jerry.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Zoologist

Eastern Diamond Back Rattlesnake

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features the eastern diamond back rattlesnake.

Native to the southeast united states (that's right folks, it lives among us), the eastern diamond back is the largest rattlesnake in the world. They are known for their signature striking pose, where they lift their body off the ground to maximize their striking distance. Though they are not known to be aggressive, when provoked they will strike and it is common for them to strike multiple times. Their striking distance is roughly 1/3 of their body length, so don't get too close.

Science nerds call the amount of venom injected into the prey when the snake strikes the "venom yield". The venom yield of the eastern diamond back is 400-450mg on average but it can be as high as 1000mg. here's the kicker, it only takes 100-150mg of venom to kill a person. They're not just going to kill you, they're going to kill you several times over. Plus their fangs are the largest of any rattle snake species in proportion to their body length. An 8ft eastern diamondback has fangs that are over 1in long!

The venom they inject contains a nasty enzyme called "crotalase". This stuff causes blood to clot, hemolysis of red blood cells, muscle mobility loss and cardiac failure. One case described the symptoms of a bite "like two hot hypodermic needles... spontaneous bleeding from the bite site, intense internal pain, bleeding from the mouth, hypotension, weak pulse, swelling, and strongly hemorrhagic". To those of you who might not know "hemorrhagic" means it can cause hemorrhages (I had to google that). Personally I'm not a fan of the "hot needles" description. I guarantee the next time I have to get a shot this is definitely going to cross my mind. That's some super scary stuff.

Fun Fact: The only time I've ever seen an eastern diamondback rattlesnake was on a backpacking trip with Dad. I walked right up to it not knowing death was sitting four feet from me. To strike me from 4 ft, the snake would need to be roughly 12 ft long. But even for a 6 ft snake, 4 feet is too close for comfort. Dad saw the snake and nearly had a heart attack because his favorite child was so close to one of nature's murderers. As bullets of sweat dripped off his face, Dad tried to warn me about the snake as calmly as he could....

Turns out the snake was dead (lucky me!) so I pulled out my handy dandy Bear Grylls Knife and cut off its rattle to keep as a souvenir to forever remind me of my brush with death. True Story.

This one lives in our neck of the woods so I extra mean it this week: Stay safe out there.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Zoologist

Cassowary

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week we take to the skies to learn about a flightless bird, the Cassowary.

Cassowaries are native to New Guinea and (of course) Australia. Long time readers of STCKYF know that this is yet another reason to NEVER go to Australia. Everything there is deadly... I bet the air is even toxic. Anyway, Cassowaries grow to be 5-6 ft tall and weighing in at 130 pounds. These guys are BIG.

Because they can't fly, evolution has done so scary stuff to the Cassowary's wings. The bones on what would be the 2nd finger have evolved to be more like a claw. A CLAW. ON A BIRD'S WING. But it doesn't need this claw to inflict damage. The Cassowary has powerful legs, each with three sharp toes that have dagger like claws. Like most flightless birds, kicking is the Cassowary's main form of defense, so a kick will bring the victim in contact with those dagger like claws, cutting them to shreds.

"But wait, Charles, it's just a bird, I can escape and evade can't I?" Ha! You Fool! The Cassowary can run as fast as 31 mph, it can jump 5 ft in the air, and it is an excellent swimmer. There is no escape. Like Liam Neeson, it will find you, and it will kill you.

Let's get into their relationship with humans. A 2003 study revealed 150 attacks on humans. 75% of these attacks involved the Cassowary expecting food from the person. When they didn't get food, they went ballistic. Cassowary's must get super hangry, which I can relate to. I also get pretty hangry, but I don't kill people because of it... so maybe its not the best comparison.

The best story I found of a Cassowary attack occurred in 2012 when a tourist was Sparta Kicked off a ledge into a body of water. The tourist was ok, despite the bird making him its little bitch. Whoever they were, they were lucky to not get cut open by the bird's razor sharp claws. Come to think of it, Napoleon Dynamite should've been less concerned about whether or not chickens have large talons and more concerned about a hangry Cassowary murdering him for his tater tots.

Stay safe out there.

-- Charles R Mercer

Amateur Zoologist

Irukandji

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features one of my favorite deadly animals, the Irukandji Jellyfish (pronounced IRR-ə-KAN-jee).

Native to Australia and relative of the infamous box jellyfish, the Irukandji is one of the most venomous jellyfish in the world. The irukandji not only has stingers on its four (relatively) long tentacles, it also has stingers covering its bell. This means that no matter where you contact this jelly, it WILL sting you. The Irukandji's venom is 100 times more potent than a cobra's. When you are stung, you suffer from "Irukandji syndrome", a term coined by the Irukandji people native to an area north of Queensland. The syndrome is characterized by "excruciating muscle cramps in the extremities, severe pain behind the kidneys, burning skin, nausea, vomiting, increased heart rate, high blood pressure, brain hemorrhages and psychological phenomena such as the feeling of impending doom". THE FEELING OF IMPENDING DOOM! HOLY SHIT. That might be the scariest venom symptom I have ever read. These effects can last for weeks. Think about that, feeling psychologically doomed for weeks while lying in a hospital bed hooked up to a morphine drip along with a plethora of other drugs. That's some super scary stuff.

The Irukandji packs an impressive punch for such a little guy. An adult Irukandji is only about one cubic centimeter in size (same size as a standard six-sided die). Because they are so small, they can pass through jellyfish nets that protect beach goers from box jellyfish at especially high-risk areas. They can even sting through protective suits designed to protect divers from box jellyfish. There is no escape from these miniature murderers. 

If you swim off the Australian coast, you will get stung by an Irukandji, and you will die. Plain and simple. You won't go quickly either. These sadistic monsters want you to suffer excruciating pain before you die. Well, they would want you to suffer if they had brains, but they don't. 

Stay safe out there.

-- 

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Zoologist

Africanized Honey Bee

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

Today we have the Africanized Honey Bee, A.K.A. the killer bee.

They were first brought to Brazil from Africa by some moron biologist who thought they would help increase honey production. Why did he think they would help increase honey production? BECAUSE HE BREAD THEM. This idiot created a monster species and then probably said "what could possibly go wrong?". They are better, stronger, and faster than the average bee (like the million dollar man, but, you know, a bee). And as they toiled making honey they realized that honey production would never fulfill their lust for murder! (probably). To be fair, they probably did help with honey production... but they also escaped! As Warwick Kerr, the foolish biologist in question, should have known, it is really hard to keep things that can fly to stay in one place. Within 35 years they reached Texas, leaving a trail of mutilated corpses in their wake.

What makes these bees so deadly is their aggressive defensive instinct. They set up a larger defensive perimeter around the hive than other species of bee and also use more guard bees who are just itching to ruin your day. When they attack, they swarm. Africanized bees have been known to chase their victims for miles.. MILES! Got that? There is no escaping these little monsters.

Their venom causes inflammation, dizziness, headaches, weakness, edema, nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, respiratory distress and renal failure. It also causes an increased heart rate, as if that doesn't just happen when your attacked by bees, which spreads the venom around your body even more rapidly. Remember, these bees swarm, so multiply these effects by 1000. Guaranteed bad day, possible chance of death.

These bees are responsible for the deaths of a few people every year, but that's not counting the number of people hospitalized, blinded, or even crippled by them (I don't know if those last two have ever happened). Other things on their kill list? Horses! An animal that is way bigger than a human but just as easily stung to death. Yikes.

Moral of the story, don't create blood thirsty killers in a lab thinking they will be satisfied with agriculture. Killers kill, simple as that.

Stay safe out there, Scott.

-- 

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Zoologist

Selfies

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week.... Selfies!

I know what you might be thinking, "Charles, that's not an animal. Don't you have to do an animal?". You're correct, it is not an animal, but I make the rules here. And guess what! Selfies KILL people!

In 2015 more people died from taking selfies than were killed by sharks. But how can this be possible? Well, it makes perfect sense when you remember that young people are dumb. Really, really dumb. The things people do for profile pics or their next Instagram post. Standing wild animal adjacent, sitting on the edge of a cliff, even standing on train tracks with an incoming train in the back ground. Yikes.

You want some selfie death stats? Here you go. Since 2014, 49 people have died while taking a selfie. Of those 49, their average age was 21 and they were male. Surprising, i know, I too thought that most of them would be girls because girls are 87% more likely to take a selfie. I guess they're just better at it.

According to a study done at THE Ohio State University, men with strong selfie game score higher on the narcissistic and psychopathic scales meaning they are more likely to embrace danger for personal gains (Instagram likes). I'd just like to emphasize the danger to you and I. Young dudes in their 20's who rank on the "I love myself" scale. Check.

While doing the most Russian thing I may have ever read, two men were blown up while taking a selfie with a live hand grenade. See what I mean? It's just guys being dudes going too far for social media attention.

How dangerous are selfies? Apparently dangerous enough for India to declare "no selfie zones" where they warn people of the dangers of taking selfies in particular areas. These zones even have lifeguards.... LIFEGUARDS! People get paid to tell you not to take a selfie. Like paid with real money. Just wow. I like to think that these lifeguards get asked to take thousands of pictures for people. How have selfies become such a danger to our youth? It's all about attention. Kids these days crave social media attention like Jules craves tennis balls. Oh the things people do to get that perfect shot.

For your safety, please print and post the below image everywhere you can to warn people of the potential dangers of selfies. The image comes from a Russian selfie safety website. Thanks Putin!

Stay safe out there.

-- 

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Photographer

Pufferfish

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

Today, we look at tetraodontidae, more commonly known as the pufferfish, blowfish, bubblefish, swellfish, and to his friends, Kenny.

Most of the species of this fish are toxic and some rank at the top of the list of the most poisonous vertebrates in the world. They don't even have to sting or inject toxin into you, their skin contains tetrodotoxin which is highly toxic when ingested. But that doesn't stop those crazy Japanese from eating them, apparently, it’s a delicacy. If prepared wrong, the victim has the worst case of literal food poisoning. The worst of the toxin's affects is muscle paralysis. This means that a very important muscle, the diaphragm, cannot do its thing so the victim can't breathe. Yikes. (Note: breathing is important.)

Eating these little guys is not limited to Japan. Other far eastern countries eat them too. AND FLORIDA. That's right. Florida. Those inbred fools will eat anything. They might as well play Russian roulette with a hand grenade. I sometimes think America has evolved past certain levels of stupid, but Florida is always there to prove me wrong. It just has to be prepared wrong once, just one time, and you die.

The Japanese name for the pufferfish is fugu. An important thing to watch out for on the menu at a sushi place in Florida, or anywhere for that matter. You know what, just don't eat sushi in Florida. Not worth the risk. Do you really want to put your life in the hands of a Floridian? Me neither.

Stay safe out there.

-- 

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Zoologist