Jaguar

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!
This week STCKYF features the Jaguar.

Native to Florida the Jaguar isn't particularly threatening, even though it somehow finished first in the AFC South. Though the Jaguar is known for its powerful striking ability, it is rarely able to connect with its target. Yeah, that was a shot a Blake Bortles ability to throw an accurate pass, didn't expect that did you? Wait a minute... how did I get on Blake Bortles? Aww man I must've gotten the Jacksonville Jaguars confused with actual Jaguars. My bad, gang.

Actual Jaguars don't live in Florida. They live in the southwestern United States, Mexico and Central America. So that's good news for all the retirees on the in Orlando. Its bad news for, well, everything else. The Jaguar is an apex predator that holds onto the top spot of the food pyramid with an iron fist. The Jaguar can take on any terrestrial and riparian (basically, riverbank area)  vertebrae in Central and South American. The only real exception, according to science, to that claim is the black caiman. Welp, I hate to break it to science, (note: I don't hate to break it to science) Jaguars kill caimans all the time. Don't believe me? By now you should just take my word on these things, BUT FINE! I'll give you proof. watch the video linked below (skip to 50 seconds).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgD60N9PqGM

Did you watch it? Good! How cool was that! Hey science, get outa here with that "Jags can't kill caimans", cause that caiman just got got. And caiman are not the only impressive animals that get taken down a notch by the Jaguar. Research has shown that the few Jaguars that venture into America kill and eat black bears. It's regular diet consist of up to 87 different species, which I guess is good. I mean, being a picky eater is probably not advantageous in the wild.

If it's going to take down lots of different species of prey, the Jaguar must be an expert hunter. Rather than being a chase predator, like the cheetah, the Jaguar hunts using the stank and ambush technique. Upon pouncing on its prey, the Jag uses its canine teeth to pierce through the temporal bones of the skull between the ears, piercing the brain. A task made much easier by the 4th strongest bite force in the animal kingdom, 1,350 psi to be exact. Those strong jaws also earn it the rank of Number 1 in terms of feline bite force.

The Jaguar doesn't just have an impressive bite. They are also incredibly fast. Almost as fast as the cheetah, a Jag can accelerate to 60 mph in 3.5 seconds, an easy feat when you consider that its got the same power output as 575 horses. Wait! Aww man I did it again! Geez this has been a long week. I keep getting actual Jaguars confused with other jaguars. No, the actual Jaguar cannot run that fast and is not the power equivalent of 575 horses. That's the specs from the supercharged V8 Jaguar F-Type. I promise this won't happen again.

Jaguars have a rare gene that results in a black coat rather than a yellow, brown and white coat. These black coated Jags are known as Melanistic Jaguars due to the theory that the melanistic allele is dominant. More commonly, Melanistic Jaguars are called black panthers. Any "black panther" in the United States is actually a Melanistic Jaguar. In Asia and Africa, "black panthers" are in fact leopards. Now you know!

The Indigenous people of South America were able to live in semi-harmony with the Jaguar. These people also were, like, super into human sacrifice. I'm not saying that they are connected... but I am strongly implying it. They also knew that the Jaguars would leave them alone if there were plenty of capybaras around. Look around, if you don't see an abundance of capybara, you may want to go on high alert... just in case.

Stay safe out there.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Zoologist

Cheetah

Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!
This week STCKYF features the Cheetah.

It has been said that in a one on one fight, a human and a Cheetah would be a fairly even match. I'm here to tell you that this is utter bologna. Like the Wu Tang Clan, the Cheetah ain't nothin to [mess] with. Also like the Wu Tang Clan, the Cheetah will straight up kill you. Cheetah's use their unparalleled speed to chase down their prey and tackle it to the ground. Like all big cats, cheetahs bite the throat of their prey to suffocate it to death. It regularly takes down animals like the thomson's gazelle and Blesbok which has horns, what do you have?  Probably not horns.

Known for being the fastest land animal in the world, Cheetah's can accelerate from 0-60 mph in just 3 seconds. That's the same 0-60 time as a Ferrari 458 Italia. Think your Mazda MX-5 is quick? A Cheetah is literally twice as fast. If you were to compare the power differences between the Ferrari and a Cheetah, the Ferrari has 562 horse power the cheetah doesn't even have 1, because its not a horse... its a cheetah. That's an incredible power difference that I am almost certain that no one else has made. That's the kind of content I find for you guys, you're welcome.

Unlike other cats, the Cheetah has semi-retractable claws. Why might that be? Science says that because the claws are always partially extended, they work like cleats. More traction means they can accelerate faster and turn sharper. And Science might be on to something with that. However I think the claws never fully retract so that the Cheetah is ready to strike at any time. Like a samurai who partially unsheathes his sword before striking, the Cheetah keeps its claws in the ready position. What's that? You keep your claws (read: finger nails) ready at all times too? Well that's... um... not as impressive. Moving on...

Think you can take on a Cheetah? We know that you're no match for a Cheetah on the Serengeti. In the open spaces the Cheetah can use its speed to take you down like an unsuspecting antelope. I did the math (and by "I" I mean I googled it so it's accuracy is questionable) and the impact force of a 160 lbs male Cheetah at full speed (70 mph) is 4500 lbs. That's more than enough to take you down. Even if the internet's math is wrong (which is doubtful because the internet never lies), the Cheetah is still taking you down without a doubt because no matter how strong you are, it is hitting you at 70 mph.

So lets try and even the odds by taking away the Cheetah's speed advantage by limiting the area of this mono e mono duel. How are we going to do that? Let's say, oh I don't know... how about a good ole fashioned cage match. Just you and a Cheetah. Guess what tough guy! You still lose. The Cheetah has razor sharp claws and a 475 psi bite force (and for my OG readers, that is not enough force to crush a bowling ball). Like a house cat playing with a mouse, the Cheetah will pin you to the ground in moments. If you mess with a cheetah, don't be surprised if you get got.

Stay safe out there.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Zoologist

Slow Loris

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!
This week STCKYF features the Slow Loris.

Ah the Slow Loris. If there was one word to describe the Slow Loris I think it would have to be cuddly. When you see its big eyes you can't help but say "awwww!". Plus it looks super soft. The Slow Loris' level of unadulterated cuteness makes it seem like the perfect family pet. Just imagine this little guy just doing Slow Loris things around the house. Climbing on furniture. Eating your house plants (which normally would upset you but the darn thing is just so cute you let it slide). Looking at you with those big round eyes. THEN TRYING TO MURDER YOU WITH ITS POISONOUS ELBOWS!!

Bet you didn't see that coming, did you? The Slow Loris has the rare mammalian trait, unique to lorisid primates, of being able to produce a toxin. For reasons only known to science, the glands that produce the toxin are on the Slow Loris' arm. The Loris licks the glands to mix the toxin in with their saliva creating a toxic bite. This seems a little silly to me. Just have the toxin glands in your mouth so you can be ready to bite stuff all the time... but they didn't ask me. Interestingly enough, for the toxin to be potent it must be mixed with the saliva. If it is not mixed it acts as more of a mild irritant.

So what is in this toxic bite the Slow Loris has been bragging about? This is usually when I tell you all about neurotoxins or heart failure, but today I am not going to do that. Not because I don't want to, believe me, I do. It's just that the toxin in the Slow Loris' bite does not have any of the effects we usually see. In fact, the toxin in similar to the allergen in cat dander so the chances of it causing an allergic reaction are far higher than the chances of toxicosis. I know, kind of a bummer, right? But do not fret (or do fret, depending on how you'd like to look at this) because the Slow Loris' bit can and has killed people. Science claims that the deaths are the result of anaphylactic shock, but isn't entirely sure. Some studies have shown that the toxin contains batrachotoxins (if you check your notes you will see that this is also used by the Golden Poison Dart Frog) but only in recently caught wild Lorises. This toxin is not naturally part of the Slow Loris' venom, but it is acquired when the Loris eats certain species of beetle.

Luckily you are unlikely to run into these adorable monsters in the wild, unless you travel to Southeast Asia. The indigenous cultures in this region believe that the Slow Loris has the supernatural power to cure wounds and ward off evil spirits (big if true). For instance the Slow Loris is thought to be able to heal itself instantly after falling from a tree. Neat trick, right? But the best Loris lore comes from Borneo. They believe that the Lorises are the the gatekeepers for the heavens and that each person has a personal loris waiting for them in the afterlife. So when you die you get a cute, fuzzy wide eyed loris? Sign me up!

Stay safe out there.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Loris Enthusiast

Giant Anteater

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!
This week STCKYF features the Giant Anteater.

Never thought you'd read that animal's name on here, did you? To be honest, I was shocked to come across it while deciding on this weeks topic. But it caught my eye because, well, for starters who ever thought an Anteater could be dangerous. It also grabbed my attention because it's also known as the Ant Bear, which is 1000x cooler than Giant Anteater. So how giant is a Giant Anteater? They average about 6.5 feet in length and weigh about 90 lbs. Native to Central and South America, the Giant Anteater is a solitary creature that spends its days foraging for food.

Anteaters are not aggressive. All they want to do is hang around ant hills and termite mounts and get their snack on, And who can blame them? We all love a good snack every now and then. Plus anteaters are being health conscious because insects are packed with tons of protein and very little fat. However, if they are cornered, they come out swinging like Patrick Swayze in Road House. An anteater that feels threatened will rear up on its hind legs and swing wildly with their claws. This pose is known as the "anteater's hug" because it looks like it wants to hug you. It Doesn't. Their massive claws are 4 inches long and can do some real damage. One swipe of their razor sharp claws can leave huge gashes in whatever felt confident enough to tangle with a Giant Anteater.

So what does the Giant Anteater have to fight in the wild? Jaguars and pumas love to eat anteaters but are easily fought off if they don't kill the Giant Anteater before it can fight back. This is a showdown I would love to see. Giant Anteater vs. Jaguar. The fact that the jaguar wouldn't dominate the anteater makes me laugh just to think about it. What else do Giant Anteaters kill? You guessed it, people. There are many recorded instances of Giant Anteaters killing hunters in Brazil. After reading several of the reports I can tell you exactly what to do if you ever find yourself in the presence of a Giant Anteater while hunting. Shoot it, like, immediately. Lots of people don't do that because the Giant Anteater is classified as Vulnerable by the International Union for Conservation of nature. My guess is people don't shoot them out of fear of legal repercussions or maybe they just don't know how dangerous they are. But you definitely don't want to be the guy who was killed by an anteater, do you?

Stay safe out there.

-- 

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Zoologist

King Cobra

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!
This week STCKYF features the King Cobra.

Sorry Indiana Jones, we're doing another snake. But not just any snake. The king of snakes. King Cobras can grow up to 18 feet long and weigh as much as 20 lbs. If you were to look these snakes up on kids.nationalgeographic.com, it will inform you that the King Cobra is in fact lighter than a 500 lbs piano and shorter than a 37 ft long school bus. I'm not kidding. That's what it says. That's what we're teaching kids. I mean... just.... come on, man!

Anywho... A distinct feature of the King Cobra is its hood, and by "hood" I am not using a colloquial term to refer to the King Cobra's habitat. The cobra has elongated ribs that it can flare out which stretches out the skin, creating the hood. The hood is primarily used as a defensive technique to make itself look bigger. If its foe thinks that the snake is too big and scary to deal with, it will leave the snake alone. The cobra sometimes has markings on the back of its hood that looks like a smiley face. Paired with its angel of death capabilities, these marking reminds me of the "Have A Nice Day" sign on the back of the KKK members in Blazing Saddles. The King Cobra's hood is so iconic it inspired the now famous pose of defeat, the Surrender Cobra.

The King Cobra packs a powerful neurotoxin called haditoxin. a single bite delivers a large venom yield (7 ml) that quickly causes blurred vision, vertigo, paralysis, cardiovascular collapse, respiratory failure, comas. If left untreated, an adult human would be checking out the grass from underneath in as little as 30 minutes. The venom is so powerful it has been recorded to be capable of killing an elephant in a matter of hours. Antivenom is available and it works quite well, but you do not have a lot of time to get to the hospital.

The King Cobra is known for being the most charming member of the animal kingdom. Wait. Sorry, I meant most charmable member of the animal kingdom. Snake charming is a dying art in India (ha! get it?!). They used to be a staple at festivals in India, but thanks to animal rights activists, they are becoming scarcer. The snakes actually aren't dancing to the music played by the charmer's flute. In fact, the Cobra can't hear the music at all because snakes don't have ears. The Cobra becomes transfixed on the swaying pipe which it sees as a potential threat. So what appears to be a magical taming of a deadly predator is actually just a Cobra being a Cobra. Snake charming debunked!

So what should you do if you encounter a King Cobra in the wild? Well, according to the experts you should slowly remove a shirt or hat and toss it to the ground and back away. I promise I didn't make that up. Why should you do this? I'm so glad you asked because I have a theory. The King Cobra is kind of a fan of strippers. If you start taking off your shirt, the Cobra will think it's getting a free show! If it killed you, well, no free show means sad Cobra. That's why you have to do it slowly; to make the Cobra think it's real, like really sell it. And as you slowly back away the Cobra loves to watch you go. Sure, you might feel used and objectified, but you're alive.

Stay safe out there.
 

-- 
Charles R Mercer
Amateur Snake Charmer

Black Rhino

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!
This week STCKYF features the Black Rhino.

The black rhino is the closest thing in nature to real unicorns. The only difference being that the black rhino does not run across rainbows followed by a trail of glitter. No, these beasts of the Savannah move more lethargically and sans glitter. With no natural predators the black rhino strikes fear into the heart of all who fear it. Armed with a keratin horn, the same substance that makes up human hair and finger nails, the black rhino is always ready to throw down.

Unlike most terrestrial species, the black rhino does not have strong familial ties. The tie between mother and calf is strong, of course, otherwise life would be far more difficult for a calf. Adult rhinos form loose associations with other adults though they are typically thought to be solitary. They do not have specific territories that they defend, either. Instead black rhinos have a home range (about 40 square miles) that they wander at their leisure. One of the perks of being the baddest thing around, I guess. 

Male black rhinos are very aggressive and will charge anything they see as a threat. These threats are not always other animals or even people. Black rhinos have been observed charging trees and termite mounds. This is part of the reason why people think rhinos have such terrible eye sight. However, they have "relatively good" eyesight equivalent to that of a rabbit (hence the use of scare quotes). But when they do charge another animal, the results are fatal. Black rhinos have the highest rate of mortal combat in the animal kingdom. Half of all males and one third of all females die from combat related injuries.
Weighing in at 1700 - 3100 lbs, the black rhino could do plenty of harm even without its horn. Though due to an unfair distribution of bodily mounted weapons, the black rhino has not one, but two horns. Add their ability to run at speeds up to 35 mph, and you have what I would say is a tank. Do yourself a favor, and don't wind up on the business end of a black rhino. Or any end, for that matter.

Thought the black rhino is extremely dangerous, the likelihood you will ever encounter one dwindles every day. Black Rhinos are dying at more of an alarming rate that bees. Their numbers continue to drop as they are hunted by poachers who wish to harvest their horns or by people seeking to hunt "the most dangerous game". But don't worry, many charities are dedicated to helping the rhino's population numbers recover. I just hope that doesn't involve bringing them stateside...

Stay safe out there.
 


-- 
Charles R Mercer
Amateur Safari Enthusiast

Bulldog Ant

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!
This week features the Bulldog Ant.

Yes. Ants. Because one of you left crumbs everywhere, and that's how you get ants! But these are not just any ants, oh no. These insect soldiers are YUGE! They grow up to 1.5 inches. 1.5 INCHES. ITS AN ANT. They have large mandibles and of course a singer loaded with venom in their abdomen. Oh yes, venom. Its a classic cocktail that causes anaphylactic shock in its prey and even in humans. And before you even ask, yes, these ants can kill you. Part of the injection is formic acid, which makes the sting intensely painful. So you don't want to run into an army of Bulldog Ants? Simple. Just follow rule number 1 of STCKYF and never EVER go to Australia.

The Bulldog Ant only lives for 8-10 weeks which is far more time than I would like to spend in Australia. If a male Bulldog Ant does not die from combat, being stepped on, or other ant things, they die after they mate with the queen. So at least they get to go out on a high note. After mating the queen flies off to build a new anthill. In some species of Bulldog Ant, the queen takes over the preexisting nest of another species of ant after killing its queen. She a savage for that.

Every member of the colony acts as an individual, which includes the queen. That is not to say that they cannot work as a team, they just don't have to which is extraordinary for ants. This is due to the fact that the Bulldog Ant can communicate through touch and smell rather than just pheromones. The queen even has to find her own food... which is nails if I had to guess. But when nails aren't available they have to settle for plants, fungi, seeds, and other insects. When hunting other insects the Bulldog Ant is smart. It will sneak up on its prey from behind, hold it down with its large mandibles and stab it with its stinger several times. Brutal.

And with all that killing ability, what do they do? Build empires? Conquer Poland? Nope. Grooming. The Bulldog Ant is seriously narcissistic. It loves to be good looking. Science has noted that they spend a large percentage of their time cleaning their antennae and legs. Though I can't really blame it. If you're really good at something, how will people know unless you look good doing it?

Science has been studying these guys for a very specific reason. They secrete a chemical that kills pollen. Science is hoping that this chemical might be able to be used to cure human diseases. As a known enemy of pollen, I could get behind a Bulldog Ant based cure. Just as long as they leave the ants themselves in Australia.

Stay safe out there. 
 

-- 
Charles R Mercer
Amateur Insectologist

Chimpanzee

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!
This week STCKYF features the chimpanzee.

Native to sub-Saharan Africa, chimpanzees are mankind's (excluding scientists) closest genetic cousins. They are highly social animals who live in tight knit groups called communities. chimpanzees have the remarkable ability to create and uses tools. They use large sticks to dig into termite mounds and then smaller sticks to fish out the yummy termites. Chimps also use rocks, one as a hammer and the other as an anvil, to break open nuts. A 2007 study revealed chimps using spears. Chimpanzees in Senegal, the subjects of the study, sharpened sticks with their teeth that they then used to hunt. Well that's just great, they know how to make spears.

Chimpanzees are incredibly altruistic when it comes to other members of their community. They adopt orphans, share food, form coalitions, and cooperate in hunting. This kind of behavior strengthens the bonds of the community. On occasion, chimps have been observed showing altruism to non-community members by adopting orphans from other groups (insert "Awwww" HERE). The best documented display of altruism came in the form of inter species altruism a.k.a. feeding turtles. Yup, chimpanzees like to feed turtles... you heard it here first.

Chimpanzees are very territorial due to their close communities. Males often patrol the boarders of their territory and will aggressively confront any rival primate they come across. Chimps do not just kill other chimps; they literally tear each other apart. This was originally part of Jane Goodall's findings, but was kept out of her initial publication. She did not think it was good idea to connect human behavior to the chimps and then describe how violent they can be.

Each community is run by an alpha male, who is typically the largest and strongest. If the alpha male behaves tyrannically towards the betas of his community, they will revolt against him. Kill him. And then eat him. The beta males use rocks and sticks to beat the alpha to death. They will keep beating the body long after it is dead, too.

So what does all this have to do with humans? Well, as I previously pointed out, they have the ability to use tools to hunt and will use their tools to kill other chimps. Given the opportunity, they will do the same to you. Chimpanzees are more likely to attack humans if they are living in captivity than the wild. Wild chimps are cautious around humans because they don't know what the human is capable of. However, after living in captivity and getting to study the human, chimps realize that they can easily kill humans. Think about that for a second. They study us. How creepy is that?!

Don't let adorable baby chimpanzees fool you. They will grow up to be 130 lbs killers with 5x the strength of an adult man. If you happen to find yourself on the wrong end of a chimp's spear, I would suggest using a shotgun... unless they too have developed gunpowder in preparation for their Planet of the Apes style uprising...

Stay safe out there.

-- 

Charles R Mercer

Amatuer Jane Goodall

Bottlenose Dolphin

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!
This week STCKYF features the Bottlenose Dolphin.

Dolphins are so cute. They can swim fast, do tricks, and throw Sea World trainers in the air. We've all seen the stories on Shark Week where people claim to have been saved from the certain death of a shark's jaws by dolphins. Dolphins are incredibly social creatures and live in tight knit communities, which is part of the reason they act protectively towards humans. Adult males top the scales at 660 lbs and 13 feet nose to tail. Males live up to 40 years and females can live until 60. If you like dolphins, stop reading now. However, you shouldn't stop reading, because I worked hard on this. I'm just saying.

You know what else dolphins do when they aren't doing cute dolphin things? THEY RAPE. These horny mammals are not afraid to coerce female dolphins into making the beast with 6 fins. Groups of male dolphins commonly "corner" a single female so they can... well... you know... so they can grope for trout in a particular river if you know what I'm saying (and I say "corner" because it's the ocean and there aren't a lot of corners). These Harvey Weinsteins of the sea not only get away with it, but everyone still loves them. I mean be honest, before right now, you loved dolphins didn't you? Time to move on, my friend.

Luckily these malicious mammals keep their indiscretions within the species right? WRONG! They can, will, and have asserted themselves with people. When the mood strikes these aquatic Eric Schneidermans, there isn't much you can do. Face it, they're much bigger than you and are much better swimmers than you. You've got one option, you're going to have to fight it off (which isn't going to be easy but you should at least try). I'd suggest a diving knife, spear gun, or allying yourself with a Killer Whale, a known predator of Bottlenose Dolphins. 

The Bottlenose Dolphin is a heartless, sexual deviant. It'll go after whatever "prey" it sees with its dead black eyes. Males have been known to kill their own young so the female will be more willing to mate again. Now, to be fair, in the animal kingdom it is not uncommon for males to kill their young (for an example, give Lions a Google search). But to do so out of a need to dance below the crupper... that's messed up.

No, a Bottlenose Dolphin isn't going to kill you... but I bet you're wishing I told you that they would. The truth can be hard to hear, and just in time for #beachSzn too.

 
Stay safe out there. #MeToo

-- 
Charles R Mercer
Amateur Marine Biologist

Flamboyant Cuttlefish

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!
This week features the Flamboyant Cuttlefish.

Let us not, dear friends, forget our dear friends the cuttlefish. These cephalopods  are tiny (about 3 in.), brightly colored and cute enough to, well, cuddle. EXCEPT DON'T DO THAT. the Cuttlefish is the third known cephalopod to have a toxin of any kind, and it packs a punch.

The muscle tissue of the Flamboyant Cuttlefish contains a powerful toxin. It is as lethal as the blue-ringed octopus, but that is a topic for another Friday. The toxin is rare which has created a problem for science nerds. Since it is rare, it is hard to study and so they do not fully understand it. This is very problematic when trying to create medicines to counter the toxin's effects. All I was able to find out about the Flamboyant Cuttlefish's toxin is that it is lethal. I'm not really sure how it gets you from point A (living) to point B (dead) but I think its more about the destination than the journey in this case.

"Hold up there, Chuck", you foolishly thought to yourself. "If its only toxic when digested, what's the big deal? People don't eat Cuttlefish." First of all, don't call me chuck. Second, yes, I can read your mind. And Third, OF COURSE people eat them. The Mediterranean loves to cook with Cuttlefish. The French love them too which is no surprise coming from a culture that eats snails. And those zany Asians love to dry them to create what I imagine to be Cuttlefish jerky. Like other toxic animals, if cooked properly, the Cuttlefish is safe to eat. But if you ask me, it ain't worth it.

Like the octopus, the Flamboyant Cuttlefish can change color. Normally they use this ability to camouflage themselves with their surroundings. But when a predator is near they change to a bright red. Changing from camouflage to a bright color in the presence of a predator seems counter intuitive. However, this is believed to be used as a signal to the predator that they are toxic and should not be eaten.

*COOL FACT ALERT*
Science has been working to integrate the biological color changing seen in the Cuttlefish with clothing. The "Smart Clothing" created by engineers at the University of Bristol uses dielectric elastomer actuators to mimic our dear friend, the Cuttlefish. Their goal is to create a new kind of camouflage for the military which sounds dope.

Stay safe out there.

-- 
Charles R Mercer
Amateur Oceanographer

Bull Shark

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!
This week STCKYF features the Bull Shark.

That's right, cats and kittens, it's Shark Week on Shit That Can Kill You Fridays. "But Charles! Discovery Channel Shark Week isn't 'til July. What are you doing?" Back off, Kenny! I can have Shark Week whenever I want to! Discovery Channel is a bunch of science garbage for nerds! Get out of here Kenny! You stupid jerk... oh geez, (breath Charles, just breath) I didn't mean to explode on you like that, Kenny. I just get really into this sometimes... let's move on.

Bull Sharks don't care about Mondays, and they definitely don't care about you. Growing to 2.5 meters in length (or 8 ft in English), they may not be the biggest fish in the sea, but they make up for it with sheer aggression. Some say its from a Napoleon complex, others say its from their testosterone levels which are seven times higher than an adult male human (it's probably from that second thing). With that much juice pumping through their veins, Bull Sharks are deadlier than popcorn lung. They are lone-wolf hunters and opportunistic, meaning they will seize whatever feeding opportunity comes their way. It is a strong survival instinct for the shark, but can spell disaster for unsuspecting prey.

Don't worry, Kenny. If you stay out of the ocean you'll never run into them, right? WRONG! Bull Sharks are diadromous, which is science for being able to swim in salt and fresh water. In fact, bull sharks have been caught 2,500 miles up the Amazon River, 1,750 miles inland on the Mississippi River, and close to Washington, D.C. on the Potomac River.

Bull Sharks rank in the top three deadliest sharks to humans, among tiger sharks and great white sharks. They are extremely territorial and pretty much intolerant to provocation. Bull Sharks prefer murky water, which is bad news for humans. You won't be able to see them, and they won't be able to see you as easily. This leads to exploratory bites, which leads to flesh wounds, which leads to hospitalization, which leads to loss of limbs, which leads to depression, which leads to alcoholism, which leads to becoming that old fisherman from the movie Jaws.

Fun Fact Alert:
Peter Benchley's novel, Jaws (made famous by the movie, Jaws), was based on shark attacks most likely caused by Bull Sharks.

BONUS FUN FACT ALERT:
For all you meat heads and gym sharks out there, you can buy a steroid made from the testicles of a Chilean bull shark. It has become so popular, it is available in the game Grand Theft Auto.  What is this steroid called? Bull Shark Testosterone. Because where does subtlety get you these days?

Stay safe out there.

 

*Photo creds to Andy Casagrande (probably)
-- 
Charles R Mercer
Amateur Shark Biologist

Hooded Pitohui

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Welcome to the 30th installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!

This week's STCKYF features the Hooded Pitohui.

Don't know how to pronounce that? Me neither, but let's just do our best! The Hooded Pitohui is a bird native to New Guinea (hence the funky name). It is roughly 9 inches tall and weighs in at 2.3-2.7 oz. That sounds impossibly small to me, but I read it online, so you know it's true.  Plus it's a bird, and birds fly. And fat birds don't go as high. 

"But Charles, this is a punk little bird. I'm not scared of it. It's so small and bird like, it's almost cute enough to eat." Dwight, you fool! Of all the birds you could potentially eat, this is by far the worst. You see, the skin of the Hooded Pitohui contains powerful neurotoxic alkaloids called batrachotoxin. "Hold on there Charles, where have I heard the term batrachotoxin before?" I'm glad you asked, Dwight. If you look back in your notes (you have been taking notes, right?) you will see that batrachotoxin is the same poison used by Golden Poison Dart Frogs. Except the only problem is, for the toxin to be effective, the Hooded Pitohui has to be eaten... so probably not the best defense (cause you know, if you've been eaten chances are you're dead). 

These birds are creepy looking. Their plumage is predominantly orange and black, which is perfect for their annual Halloween party. And if orange, the universal color of caution, was not enough to make you want to avoid interacting with these things... their eyes are red. Like a sinister red. Remember how the Golden Poison Dart Frog was the devil? Well, these birds might be Satan with those disturbing eyes. My theory is that the poison found both in the frog and Hooded Pitohui is what makes them evil. It's like The Ring from Lord of the Rings, or bad hair and the "band" One Direction.

*COOL FACT ALERT*

The Hooded Pitohui gains its toxic ability from the beetles it eats. Beetles from the genus, choresine, to be more specific. This is according to The California Academy of Sciences, so it's probably not reliable at all. I believe they gain their power from ritual scarifies to Tiamat, the Mesopotamian dragon of chaos. For the sake of argument, let's believe these California scientists. If these birds gain their toxic ability from their diet, and if we remember that the golden poison dart frog does the same, then we only come to one conclusion... START EATING BEETLES. Eat enough of them and you just might become toxic yourself. Who wouldn't want that? It would be a real surprise for the next thing that tries to eat you. Don't know what that might be? Damn it, Dwight! Hit the subscribe button if you haven't already and I can try to remedy that. 

Stay safe out there.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Ornithologist

Golden Poison Dart Frog

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!

This week's STCKYF features the Golden Poison Dart Frog.

The Golden Poison Dart Frog is small but mighty, like a terrier, or Gary Coleman. However, unlike a terrier and Gary Coleman, the golden poison dart frog is, as the name gives away, poisonous. Like hella poisonous. They are native to the Colombian rain forest and the coast of Columbia. Like all poison dart frogs, they are very brightly colored. When you are as deadly as these frogs, you don't need to hide. 

Andrew, I have some incredible news for you. Through my research of the Golden Poison Dart Frog, I have stumbled across some amazing numbers. For starters, 1 mg of this frog's poison is enough to kill 10,000 mice. Now I know what you're thinking, that's A TON of mice. That same single milligram can kill 15 humans or 2 African bull elephants. Or if you play with those numbers a little:

10,000 mice = 15 humans

666.7  mice = 1 human

15 humans = 2 African bull elephants

7 humans = 1 African bull elephant

5,000 mice = 1 African bull elephant

You're not going to get science like that out of some nerd text book. Information like that can only be found on these electronic pages. Hey Andrew, did you notice the mice to human conversion? Truncate the decimal and you get 666 mice. 666. The Devil's number. These frogs are the devil. SCIENCE!

So, what is this devil poison? Well, it's batrachotoxin, of course! It is stored in the frog's skin, and uses direct contact as the means of transfer. But, the skin doesn't just have to come into contact with predators or prey to kill. If the skin comes into contact with, oh I don't know, let's say a leaf. There is the potential that the poison will be transferred onto the surface of the leaf. The poison will not readily deteriorate, and now the leaf can kill. So that's good. The poison blocks sodium channels in nerves from transmitting signals, which leaves the muscles in an uncontrollable state of contraction (translation: your muscles won't work no good). A very important muscle, your heart, needs to be able to do its blood pumping thing. If it can't, that's bad news bears. 

For the first time ever in the history of STCKYF, I am going to break rule number 3 of our founding charter, and encourage you to own a Golden Poison Dart Frog as a pet. Now before you berate me with hate mail or call up our hotline (1-800-1STCKYF btw) with death threats, just listen. The frog is only poisonous because of its diet, which is high in alkaloids. Golden Poison Dart Frogs in captivity don't consume alkaloids, and therefore stop producing, and eventually lose their ability to produce batrachotoxin, which renders them harmless. Just don't tell you friends, enemies or even your kids that last part. If they think you have a murderous amphibian on your nightstand, they might start taking you a little more seriously.

*COOL FACT ALERT*

The Choco Embera people of Columbia's rain forest use the poison from the Golden Poison Dart Frog to hunt. They carefully expose the frogs to heat by fire, which causes the frogs to secrete a small amount of poison. Arrow and dart tips soaked in the poison are potent for two years. TWO YEARS.

Stay safe out there.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Herpetologist

St. Patrick's Day

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!

This week STCKYF features St. Patrick's Day.

"Come on Charles, don't do this man. We love St. Patrick's Day! Don't say mean things about it!" Relax, O'Malley. I'm not going to say mean things about this wonderful holiday. Dissing St. Patrick's Day is unAmerican, and as you all know, I'm a patriot. What I am going to do is bring back a segment that was a real crowd pleaser on Black Friday, The STCKYF Survival Guide. This is where I, your fearless leader, provide tips on how to survive St. Patrick's Day. So without further ado, here are my top 10 St. Patrick's Day Survival Tips:

***Disclaimer: these are not the only rules you should follow. Federal Law, State Law, as well as the Laws of Physics still apply.***

1. Drink sugary drinks. Not only are they delicious (admit it, you love them), but the sugar rush will keep you from falling asleep at the bar like certain people we know. (I'm not going to name names, but it rhymes with Ponothan Jorter).

2. Wear green. No one likes that asshole who says shit like "hey, my underwear is green","I have green eyes", or "I identify as green". Those people get hit (and of course, pinched).

3. Don't talk about your Individual Retirement Account. People will hear you mention your IRA and they might call the cops. Sad! 

4. Hydrate, Antoine, hydrate! More importantly, hydrate with light beer. There is an 87% change you will become ill if you switch from alcohol to water. Do yourself a favor and drink light beer to hydrate. It's basically water, anyway.

5. Don't eat. If there is food in your stomach, there is less room for beer. That's just math. Besides, beer is made from grain and so is bread... so it's basically the same thing. That's just science.

6. Assert your dominance. Walk up to the biggest guy in the bar, cheers him, then down your beer in front of him. He'll respect you for it, and will have your back later during the inevitable bar fight.

7. After the bar fight it is definitely time to find a new bar. What's that? The cops have already grabbed you? Good thing you came prepared. Have your ABC's memorized forwards and backwards and have a fake name at the ready. Maybe even use the name of one of your enemies (I'm looking at you, Neil DeGrasse Tyson). 

8. Don't be afraid to sing along. Don't know the words? No problem! Most Irish drinking songs are just drunken gibberish anyway, so you actually do know the words. Remember, the louder the better.

9. No one cares that you're 3/16ths Irish and St. Patrick's Day is extra meaningful for you and your family. Don't be the Elizabeth Warren of the Irish. You have no significant amount of Irish blood in your veins and that's okay. Just enjoy yourself, and drink green Bud Light with that midget who tastefully dresses up like a leprechaun every year.

10. Buy a plane ticket. After a day of non-stop, aggressive boozing, there is always a chance that you may have blacked out. Perfect. This is the ideal time to grab an Uber to the nearest airport and buy a plane ticket to Dublin. Nothing says Happy St. Patrick's Day better than waking from your drunken stupor on the ground outside of St. James's Gate.

If you follow these tips, you just might make it through will have one helluva St. Patrick's Day...though the Sunday Scaries on a hungover international flight home might kill you.

Stay safe out there, and happy St. Patrick's Day, O'Malley.

--

Charles R Mercer

Professional Drunk

Coral Reef Snake

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!

This week STCKYF features the Coral Reef Snake.

"A snake from a coral reef? Like, in the ocean?" Yes, Jack, from in the ocean. It looks just like a terrestrial snakes except that the tail is flat to facilitate swimming. Picture a snake in your head, go on, close your eyes and picture it (but don't keep them closed for too long because you will eventually want to keep reading). Remember how snakes are always sticking their tongues out to "taste the air"? Well, Coral Reef Snakes don't do that. You see, sensory perception can't be done the same way under water as on land. Smell, sight and sound are distorted under water, and therefore less reliable. The Coral Reef Snake relies on marginal sight, photo-receptors, and vibrations to locate prey and avoid predators. 

Science theorizes that the Coral Reef Snake also has the ability to sense electro-magnetic energy and pressure. This is only a theory to science but I am willing to confirm it, right here, right now. STCKYF has declared it. Remember this moment the next time your reading Science Weekly, or Obscure Animals Quarterly.

Lookout cone snails, the coral reef snake may be gunning for your title as the assassin of the sea. Bites from sea snakes often go unnoticed because they are painless, do not swell and they do not affect the lymph nodes. So then how do you know if you've been bitten? What are the symptoms? This is where I usually tell you that after you're bitten you will be nauseated, dizzy, maybe an elevated heart rate. Well not so fast, Jack! None of those things will happen here. The first symptoms after being bitten by a coral reef snake are rhabdomyolysis, trismus, and paralysis. These snakes definitely aren't throwing any softballs. We all know what paralysis is (hopefully), but what are those other two science words? Well, to sort that out we've asked our resident medical expert, Dr. Doogie Howser, to weigh in (and by "asked to weigh in" I mean he was already in our office lobby, begging my receptionist to let him be in this weeks edition).

Dr. Howser informed me that rhabomyolsis is the rapid break down of skeletal muscle tissue. As you may have guessed, when your muscles break down you become weak and struggle with tasks that were previously simple. As the muscles breakdown all that tissue formerly known as muscle has to go somewhere, right? Pop Quiz! What organ filters harmful things out of your blood? The Kidneys! (Sorry, Jack. Try to be a little faster on the buzzer next time). Unfortunately for you, proteins like myoglobin are harmful to the kidneys, leading to kidney failure. Not an ideal situation. Trismus, the less exciting of the pair, is just fancy doctor speak for lockjaw. A fun addition to your post coral reef snake bit experience. These paired with paralysis can be a deadly combination. Remember, any of your muscles can be paralyzed. Including really important ones like the muscles used for swallowing and breathing. Bet you didn't think of that, did you? Coral Reef Snakes are not messing around when it comes to their venom.

Remember, these guys are around when you go scuba diving. They're not very aggressive, but don't tempt 'em. 

Stay safe out there.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Oceanographer

Vending Machines

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays!

This week STCKYF features Vending Machines.

Yes, you read that correctly: vending machines. From 1978 to 1995, 37 people died and 113 people were injured while trying to get a snack from a vending machine. That's a little more than 2 deaths per year. For those of you keeping score at home, that makes death by vending machine more likely than a shark attack. You hear that Discovery Channel executives?! Enough already with Shark Week! The people deserve Vending Machine Week! (or at least vending machine power hour brought to you by Famous Amos cookies).

We've all done it, haven't we? We hit, kick, and shake that dumb box full of salty snacks that stole your dollar for the second time this week. I JUST WANTED SOME DORITOS! WHY DOES THIS MACHINE HATE ME?! (*begins to sob*) I'M SO DAMN HUNGRY! (*crumbles to the floor*) THIS IS WHY I CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS! (*curls into a ball on the floor and cries uncontrollably as coworkers look on and Tracy from sales puts a video of you on her snap story*). Well, all that man on machine violence leads to one thing, a large box full of salty snacks face down on the ground with you between it and the floor.

Remember last night when you planned to get up a little earlier so you could have a real breakfast instead of a power bar? Maybe if you weren't addicted to the snooze button and didn't keep hitting it like those lab mice with an orgasm button, you could've gotten up 10 minutes earlier to make some eggs so you wouldn't be starving by 9:45. You're having a hard time getting up this morning because you had a beer (or five) too many at the bar last night. To top it all off, since you spent all of your cash at the bar, you have to walk out to your car two hours into the work day in the 35 degree weather just to get 75 cents out of that compartment you designated for loose change. Now you're cold and hangry. The triple threat. You hurriedly shuffle to the vending area in the break room where you attempt to feed the coins into the slot, but end up dropping one of them because your hand is shaking from the 4 cups of coffee you drank on an empty stomach. Finally, with all three quarters in the machine you make your selection. You see the coiled metal begin to spin as the anticipation for the Snickers bar you purchased begins to build, and then... nothing. The candy bar doesn't fall. It sits there in G6 mocking you. Your first instinct is to hit the glass with the palm of your hand but that does nothing. It never does. You give the base of the machine a swift kick or two, but still, nada. Well it is only on the second row from the bottom... maybe I can reach it if I can get my arm in, you think to yourself. You position yourself on the floor and begin to reach inside, carefully moving your arm around the door and reach up. The Snickers sits just an inch or two out of your reach. Come on. You can do it. REACH! Damn! You realize you can't make it without dislocating your elbow, which considering how hungry you are, might not be a bad option.

Time for plan B (no not that plan B, like a second plan kind of plan B). You stand up, grab the machine with both hands and put your whole body weight into it rhythmically to get it rocking back and forth. VICTORY! The candy bar falls, but so does a bag of chips and a packet of peanuts. You decide to keep rocking, time to take everything you can from this malicious machine that tried to play you like a fool. After all, it had the audacity to try to steal your dollar... Does this machine even know who you are? You keep rocking it, back and forth, more and more aggressively when Jen from accounting walks in and catches you off guard. Startled, you accidentally lose grip on the machine and gravity takes over. Down goes Frasier. The vending machine and floor have created a you sandwich. You realize in your final moments that instead of playing the machine like a fool, you actually played yourself (don't ever play yourself). Jen will have a helluva time explaining this to HR.

Listen Mikey, it was just a dollar. Let it go. That Nutter Butter isn't worth being flattened like a pancake.

Stay safe out there.

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Reporter

American Alligator

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Fridays! 

This week STCKYF features the American Alligator.

I know, I know, I know. This one seems obvious. Of course an alligator can kill you... it's an alligator. Alligators are big, scaly, prehistoric looking beasts that inhabit the everglades and golf courses. Adult males can grow (on average) to 15 feet in length and weigh up to 1,000 lbs. That's much larger than you. I mean come on Roger, it's called bulk season for a reason... at least try for some #gainz. Even though they seem slow and lethargic, alligators have speed when it counts. They are capable of quick body movements; they typically use their tails as weapons to knock their prey off balance so they can use their jaws... also as weapons. Alligators are able to sprint short distances at a speed of up to 25 mph, depending on their size (adult gators can only sprint around 10 mph).

Now, lets talk about those mighty jaws. The muscle groups used to open the alligators jaws are actually very weak. That's why Steve Irwin (RIP) was able to hold an alligator's jaw shut with his hands or just a few wraps of electrical tape. The muscles that slam those jaws shut, however, are an entirely different story. An adult gator is capable of producing a bite force of 2,125 lbs per square inch. And going back to the official STCKYF jaw strength metric... yes, an alligator could 100% crush a bowling ball with its mouth. Its bite is so strong it has led researchers to come up with some interesting comparisons.

"Picture the jaws of a 12-foot alligator clamping down on its prey. Now think of the jolt one would feel by tying a rope to a small pickup truck and trying to hold on [to the rope] after dropping [the truck] from the roof of a tall building. Research has discovered that the strength of the alligator's bite, and the jolt one would feel when the truck reached the end of its rope are nearly identical."

Granted, this research came from Florida State University where they rely on divination from hallucinogens. I would have preferred to see these facts come from the University of Florida, a.k.a. America's foremost Gator experts. After an alligator bites, they use a maneuver called a "death roll". Yeah, you know it's never a good sign when death is in the name. Because alligators cannot take bites of their prey in the same way a hyena would, they rely on the death roll to perform this same task. After clamping down with its powerful jaws, the alligator begins to spin its body along its longitudinal axis to, literally, tear its prey limb from limb. 

Think you can avoid these large modern age dinosaurs? Think again, Roger. Just ask James Wiencek, an Ohioan whose arm was, shall we say, involuntarily removed by a Fripp Island alligator. The alligator was not even fully grown. After it was caught, the alligator was only measured to be 10.5 feet and 400 lbs. Due to the development of the alligator's natural habitat, interaction between humans and gators was inevitable. These days, most of the alligators we see at our favorite seaside getaways are used to being around humans. This is not good. The last thing humans need are thousand pound cold blooded killers (literally) comfortable around humans. That's how incidents like James Wiencek's happen.

In the past I've pointed out examples of big dumb idiots who ignore prudent warnings like mine, and intentionally interact with shit that can kill them (like people who keep deathstalker scorpions as pets). So, if you want to ignore me this week and mess with STCKY, then look no further than the FAWC. That's right, Roger, the Freestyle Alligator Wrestling Competitions (fawcomp.com). According to the FAWC website, their next event is in 2016... so maybe not as lucrative of a business venture as they thought (they just couldn't compete with Spartan Races or Elise's Winter Beerlympics). But still, organizations like this one exist, and they're probably all sponsored by PBR. If you're an adrenaline junkie looking for a new life skill, I highly recommend FAWC (but seriously, Roger, don't do that).

Stay safe out there.

BONUS PIC!!!

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Crocodile Hunter

Scorpionfish

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Welcome to the next installment of Shit That Can Kill You Friday's!

This week STCKYF features the California Scorpionfish.

That's right, Shitheads (its a name I'm work shopping for you guys). We're back to the eternal hellhole that is California. Home to deadly animals, earthquakes and the descendants of prospectors. Two weeks ago we saw how the California Newt terrorizes its home state with toxins hundreds of times more potent than cyanide. Well, to make the place even worse, adding metaphorical gasoline to the fire (which is a waste of gas with their ridiculous gas tax) its also the natural home to the Scorpionfish.

The California Scorpionfish grows to about 43-47 centimeters in length, which is roughly 17 inches in English. They love shallower waters and hanging around rocks. It enjoys long swims (roughly 2 km/day), eating sushi (aka other fish), and polygamy (insert Kool-aid man "Ohhh Yeahhh!" HERE).

Their love for shallow water puts them in proximity to humans. Swimmers don't seem to have a lot to worry about because from all of my research, the scorpionfish seems to not bother them. Fishermen however better look out. The Scorpionfish loves to take the bait of fishermen, probably on purpose, so they can carry out revenge against those who invade their home with medal hooks. When its pulled out of the water, the fish panics (which is probably not surprising because fish prefer water) and they flair the spines of their fins and gill covers. Not only do these spines make the fish hard to handle but they are also very sharp and laced with venom. Survivors say that a sting from a Scorpionfish is like the bite of a rattlesnake (I feel really bad for whoever was stung by a Scorpionfish AND got bitten by a rattlesnake in order to make such a comparison).

Imagine being a fisherman whose just pulled one of these fish out of the water. You don't know that this fish is dangerous because your a commercial fisherman and not a marine biologist (aka science dork, so lucky you). A single prick of the finger from one of the Scorpionfish's many spines causes severe throbbing pain. The affected digit becomes swollen and hard, then hot and red, then numb. This sequence then travels up the arm followed by nausea, faintness and fluctuating blood pressure. On the nastier side of things the venom also causes difficulty breathing, shock (due to the cardiotoxic nature of the venom), seizures, and paralysis.

We've all heard the saying "even a bad day fishing is better than any day at the office". I'd like to counter that. Even if you've spent the day in endless meeting getting chewed out by your superiors and corporate wondering if you might get fired, at least you didn't get hospitalized by a fish. Especially when the California hospital will probably just give you some weed and point you to the nearest locally sourced organic cafe.

Stay safe out there.

 

--

Charles R Mercer

Amateur Oceanographer